scared to have sex?



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Cad
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12 Sep 2009, 11:34 pm

Hi all,
While I have sex drive, and it is fairly strong sometimes, I am scared to have sex. I have driven many guys away from me cause they want to have sex but I don't want to. It's not that i don't want to have sex ever, but the thought of it with another person (as apposed to masturbation) makes me squeemish. Is this normal? does anyone else feel like this? btw i'm 19 and female.



Briana
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12 Sep 2009, 11:44 pm

It's normal. The fact is is that these guys don't really like you for you, they just want to use you for sex, as I've said in another thread already about why us Aspie girls get boyfriends and aspie guys cant get gfs a lot of the time



Tim_Tex
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12 Sep 2009, 11:54 pm

It sounds like, while you are anticipating it, once it becomes more likely or imminent, you have cold feet.


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CanadianRose
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13 Sep 2009, 1:06 am

You might need to think of sex is a broader context.

When you say that you are scared to have sex - do you mean actual full on intercourse?

What about other forms of intimacy - kisisng? heavy petting? mutual masterbation? Oral sex (giving and receiving mouth to genital stimulation)?

There are many highly sexual people who have never had actual male/female sexual intercourse. A good example would be someone who is a lesbian and has only given and received oral sex with her partners. She is still having sex (and perhaps [/i]lots of it...[i])

Please have the type of sexual intimacy that is comfortable and acceptable to both you and your partner. You can discuss further types of sexual activities when you are both ready.



outlier
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13 Sep 2009, 4:56 am

Cad wrote:
does anyone else feel like this?


I did. When a younger adult, I was also very disturbed about being touched. I am not normal, however.



willa
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13 Sep 2009, 8:00 am

Have you had sex before? I felt that way until I had sex. I was just kinda afraid of the intrusive nature of it, but like you, I wanted to try it. It was actually all my girlfriend at the time's doing. She instigated and planed the night. If she wasnt the move maker i'd probably never had made a move. But after that night, couldnt get enough =P.
I kinda felt something then that i didnt realize till years later, the difference between making love and sex. It sounds like you've had multiple suitors, given the statement 'many guys.' So probably not a whole lot of love between you and the guys, so hold off till you find it. There is nothing at all wrong with holding off till you love someone. And not even love, but someone you care about. Making love is about opening up yourself at it's most vulnerable state to one-another knowing and trusting that both your intentions are to make the other feel as good as possible (where as 'sex' can be just "take off your clothes, i want an orgasm").

So, basically, yes, it's ok to be hesitant, think about it, as a women, you're allowing someone inside of you (and you guys, should realize more and respect what it can mean to a women to physically allow someone inside them). And with the nature of AS to be opposed to physical contact the idea of not just touching you, but being inside you is obviously very off putting.
You dont have to wait out some fabled true love, but wait till you at least find someone with mutual feelings and care for one another and do it. You will be pleasently surprised, then you can move on to all the fun and kinky stuff involved in sex once you feel comfortable with each other :twisted:


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i_wanna_blue
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13 Sep 2009, 8:45 am

For me it's mainly a problem with intimacy and how the other person reacts. In other words, I will shy away from intimacy unless I know for certain that the other person is accepting of mine. If I'm in doubt as to what they feel, I won't even consider any intimacy.



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13 Sep 2009, 11:30 am

I've been with exactly two women. The first was my wife. The second, some random girl after my wife and I split. Trust me when I say, you want to wait until you have an emotional bond with your potential sex partner. The difference between my two encounters is like night and day. With the woman I loved, it was an incredible experience that I'll never forget. With the other, I would have rather watched a movie or played a video game. Was utterly meaningless.

Wait for the right guy, it is worth it.


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Homer_Bob
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13 Sep 2009, 3:14 pm

I'm a guy and I'm terrified of sex and don't want it. I have been alone my whole life thus far so it's not like I've been in any sort of situations like that anyways. If I do, I don't know what will happen.



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13 Sep 2009, 6:21 pm

If those guys dumped you because you were afraid to have sex, you obviously weren't dating the right guys in the first place. I haven't done it yet, but I'll definitely be afraid the first time around (especially if the gal I'm doing it with is way more experienced than me).

Just wait until you find the right person. It'll be worth it.



Aoi
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13 Sep 2009, 7:14 pm

I agree with the theme above: wait for the right guy, and sex will come naturally.

Or not. I've had sex a number of times in my life and remain uncomfortable with it in many ways. It took until I was well into my 20s before I lost my virginity, and I've only had a few partners in the ensuing two decades.

I have extreme sensory issues, plus a low libido. So sex is complicated and undesirable for the most part.



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13 Sep 2009, 7:26 pm

Strangely, feel self conscious about posting here buuuut, how I am doesn't make me happy so if you can be open enough to raise this, i can try be brave enough to add comments.

Maybe the other posters are right, wait for the "right person" etc, but what if you have pushed away the right person because this fear overwhelms everything else that might be good about the relationship? If this is the case, there probably is counselling...I was told I should seek counselling by the well woman clinic doctor (and this was at only 3 years celibacy....it's nearly a decade now :oops: ) but the shame of following it up was too much for me (explanation- I felt that because I have a child I'm ruined and it's not even appropriate to have those kind of urges anymore let alone do anything about them.)

Derailed by overexplanation there, however it's worth having a think about whether it was the potential partner or if its other issues. Maybe it could be fear of unknown, or too much loss of control, maybe you don't know if it's something you want at all or maybe its other isues you could be helped with. However I hope you can find the solutions as you are young and if you do want to have a full relationship with someone (or if in fact decide you don't) it shouldn't be dictated by fear.


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14 Sep 2009, 12:49 am

For your own safety. Make sure that you're clear about the boundaries before you even get close to that point.

Even then, with the wrong guy, you could get hurt for leading him on. Be careful.

That said.... Once you've had sex, you can't unsex. It's very hard to start a new relationship based on innocence again.

Enjoy it while it lasts and don't be in a rush. There's a lot you can do without actually having sex - and sometimes it's better.

(and ditto to everyone else's comments - if a guy dumps you for that reason, then good riddance... it was the wrong guy).



polymathpoolplayer
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14 Sep 2009, 3:13 am

Briana wrote:
It's normal. The fact is is that these guys don't really like you for you, they just want to use you for sex, as I've said in another thread already about why us Aspie girls get boyfriends and aspie guys cant get gfs a lot of the time


Wow let's all jump to conclusions and make them axe murderers while you're at it



Merle
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14 Sep 2009, 3:46 am

Cad wrote:
Hi all,
While I have sex drive, and it is fairly strong sometimes, I am scared to have sex. I have driven many guys away from me cause they want to have sex but I don't want to. It's not that i don't want to have sex ever, but the thought of it with another person (as apposed to masturbation) makes me squeemish. Is this normal? does anyone else feel like this? btw i'm 19 and female.


Normal. It may be when you're 14, it may be when you're 20. From what I've seen, a lot of it boils down to how much you trust the other person. You may not want to rush into this and it should be okay for you to feel the way you feel - and to take your time.



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