Some general advice and common sense

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19 May 2010, 9:15 am

I know a great deal of people on this forum/site always have questions about dating and love related issues in this part of Wring Planet. I do too myself but I have some knowledge which I can to share to everyone from what I have learned from being around my good and close friends.

Love is not like at first sight type of ordeal instead it is a developing nature of mutual feelings between two people of different sex or same sex in some cases. Love can be complicated if you make it out to be honestly. For me, developing feelings towards a female friend I known while she isn't is not mutual love but liking. I been recommend to take my time and take it easy so you don't scary them. I am currently doing this since the friendship is more important than developing the relationship which is common sense. If mutual feelings are developing then you have to take a risk or few for a relationship to form. An example is having coffee together sometime is a nice way to get know each other as friends and to have good time with each other. Often in the close and good friendships you have, you have to give plenty of space for your friends and yourself. Don't be annoying and irritating by texting or wanting to chat with your friends everyday. Every two to three days is good for texting and chatting. Also it is important to recognized the need for space and spending time with friends that you haven't seen in awhile. I have a hard time doing this myself but I am learning to do so as I speak. Most important, being yourself because being someone else never ever works for anyone in love.

Love and relationships take time to grow and develop. I have two females both whom are good and close friends with me that are interests for me but I am letting time to take part since rushing things could easily turn things from good to bad and even worse in some cases. Just take your time and be respectful of space is what you should keep in mind from what I am saying along with being yourself.

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Sound
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19 May 2010, 9:40 am

JerryHatake wrote:

[....]I been recommend to take my time and take it easy so you don't scary them. I am currently doing this since the friendship is more important than developing the relationship which is common sense.
[....]
Love and relationships take time to grow and develop. I have two females both whom are good and close friends with me that are interests for me but I am letting time to take part since rushing things could easily turn things from good to bad and even worse in some cases. Just take your time and be respectful of space is what you should keep in mind from what I am saying along with being yourself.

I'm gonna go & guess that you've read through this forum once or twice, and have a good idea what sort of response you're going to get from a number of us. So rather than attempt to dissuade you from your current behaviors, I'll simply wish you lots of luck.
Let us know how it works out for you.

In the meantime, consider that you're advising a behavior that has yet to bear fruit for you.
Sorta like a hypothesis presented as a conclusion, prior to the experiment's completion, without supporting data.

zeldapsychology
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19 May 2010, 9:44 am

Very well said IMO I've had "space issues" with some female friends (teacher/coworker) in the past I'm looking to change that. With my current friend I've mention AS and my traits etc. and she's very understanding. We went out to eat and I met one of her friends (who was nice) I feel fine not texting her all the time and we've planned future outings for the summer (such as seeing Prince of Persia/eating out/seeing Last Airbender) and I was thinking MONTHS ahead (take her out for her Bday buy her a gift) Just now I thought of set up a Halloween party at her house and lastly come over and stay Thanksgiving evening and go Black Friday shopping the following day. (Yes it's only May and I've planned all this.) :-) She's a good very understanding friend. Maybe I can meet a guy with her qualities (What kind of guy are you looking for? (someone asked) Me: Someone nice/understanding of me/my quirks like her my friend) LOL! Great advice!! !! !

JerryHatake
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19 May 2010, 9:53 am

Sound wrote:

JerryHatake wrote:

There has been fruit from this behavior since the friendships have develop to close and good friendships (I know one of female for less than a year and the another for 3 1/2 years). The key word is time since time does have a role developing friendships and even relationships.

billsmithglendale
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19 May 2010, 10:25 am

JerryHatake wrote:

I would say you are right in some cases, but there is no universal law of love. I definitely have seen and been a part of love at first sight. This doesn't mean the love will last (though sometimes it does), but the types of love are so variable and the variety so great that the above is just one sliver of the universe of love.

As tempting as it is to try to formulate, there is no consistent logic to why we love someone or how we fall in love.

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19 May 2010, 11:06 am

billsmithglendale wrote:

JerryHatake wrote:

That is true that there is no universal law of love. However, there are universal principles and advice people give to one another on the subject of love. I am going by what I have been told by a few good and close friends of mine. My advice maybe right in some cases but its general advice to take into consideration at times. Love is not a science but an emotion and a behavior we all have and it is complicated to understand at times. We just have think more about it when we have that feeling basically instead jumping the gun.

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19 May 2010, 11:19 am

Just to add...

If I had an inkling that one of my male friends had feelings for me even though he wasn't acting on them... If I didn't already have feelings for him, it'd kind of put me off in some ways and actually perhaps prevent anything from ever developing (even make the friendship uncomfortable to varying degrees, depending). Not saying definitely that a relationship would never occur... But it'd probably not help things out in any sort of immediate sense.

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Lene
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19 May 2010, 12:11 pm

Quote:

Love and relationships take time to grow and develop. I have two females both whom are good and close friends with me that are interests for me but I am letting time to take part since rushing things could easily turn things from good to bad and even worse in some cases. Just take your time and be respectful of space is what you should keep in mind from what I am saying along with being yourself.

Finally, my chance to post this in Love&Dating!

[img][504:800]http://zs1.smbc-comics.com/comics/20100411.gif[/img]

(I don't mean any offence to the OP; it just seems to fit the situation

).

If you are already friends with someone, you are going to have to work a lot harder to get out of that situation than just being yourself and taking your time. The change may be so gradual that they never realise that there is a transition in feelings.

Even if you do make your feelings 100% clear, they will not always be mutual; after all, the other person entered into a 'friendship' with you, not a dating scenario and as Sedaka already said, they may feel weirded out, or even insulted that you had a different agenda all along (even if you do claim to value the friendship as well).

Enjoy the friendship and don't expect it to develop into more over time, unless you pull out all the stops and are prepared for it to potentially backfire. In fact, it'd be better to try it with a stranger; at least then you don't risk losing a friend.

Anyway, good luck if you still want to try this course of action!

Mosaicofminds
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19 May 2010, 12:39 pm

It depends what you mean by love at first sight.

If you're attracted to the person from the beginning (maybe sexually, maybe just noticing the person immediately and getting that magnetic feeling that "oh, this person seems really interesting, I really want to get to know them"), and the other person feels the same way about you, then there's a basis for a relationship there--whether or not you start out as friends, IMO. Doesn't mean if you start out as friends you'll get into a relationship 100% of the time, because there's lots of opportunities for both people to screw up (as many here would point out). But I think the potential is there.

But if you're not attracted to them from the beginning, then no offense, but if you become friends with them, I don't see it ever getting out of the friend zone. The attraction just isn't there. On rare occasions it's possible to get out of the friend zone with a relationship like this, but it never does develop into real love. The attraction grows, the affection grows, but there's a feeling of something missing, and then you realize you never went through that "head over heels" phase everyone else did, and it doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, either.

YMMV, of course.

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19 May 2010, 2:17 pm

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion here. I am just saying what I have learned over the past few years. The love at first sight concept to me doesn't occur to me as an individual. If you developed an attraction to someone close to you it is naturally in my opinion since it does happens for people. It may not be the case for everyone but it happens. Also it seems a few people have noticed the space concept which is very vital to keep in mind at all times.

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19 May 2010, 5:51 pm

I think it's important to at least communicate how you feel to them. Only then will you/they know where the friendship is. You don't need to say you've had feelings for them the whole time~as that would instill the awkwardness I mentioned. But if the friendship is real, then it would survive any awkwardness due to honesty and real "good" intentions.

But to sit there and maintain the friendship despite your current feelings is kind of dishonest imo. It's like you're just waiting for them to disclose some emotion that hasn't already happened in the 1-3 yrs you've known either of them. To find THAT out would make me feel manipulated or used or something along those lines and question the validity up the entire friendship up to that point, which is why I said it would possibly preclude anything happening in the future... Which is why I'd say to at least bring it up *currently*.

Plus once you do that... Then it really IS up to them to reciprocate... and not just some sort of obsessive interest that you are always secretly vying for.

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19 May 2010, 6:07 pm

JerryHatake wrote:

The last bit is a flat out falsehood. For the purpose of initiating a relationship, timing makes or breaks.

Since you have romantic interest in them, then ultimately your goal is to try and initiate a romantic relationship, as you've stated. In that goal, you have not yet succeeded, nor have you made progress(though I'm guessing you'll disagree on that part). Therefore, your efforts have not yet borne out. On the other hand, if you were not romantically interested in these women, then you've successfully fostered platonic friendships.

Also consider another route to fostering friendship, which is also generally more productive at fostering a relationship:
You meet, and there is some attraction immediately from one, and at least receptiveness from the other. One person pursues and escalates toward a relationship within a short time frame, perhaps beginning within the first night. During their relationship, their friendship develops over time, as time is necessary to foster a deep friendship, as you've correctly stated. Later, it turns out that one or both of them realize that they should not be in a relationship, so the relationship ends. However, the individuals maintain enough maturity to respect their friendship, and so remain close friends, but see other people instead.

In this scenario, a friendship is not compromised, nor the ability to initiate a relationship. As a side benefit, one person does not lose interest in the other due to the inaction or perceived romantic disinterest of the their, such as what is would likely happen in your proposed path.

Romance and friendship are different things, and grow at different paces, but one need not limit the other.

But that's just one of a dizzying myriad reasons why the advice you're giving is deeply flawed.

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20 May 2010, 8:19 am

Sound wrote:

I am entitled to my own views and opinions. You're entitled to yours views and opinions as well. My advice could be deeply flawed like you said but it can also be not flawed. Timing is everything which is true however you also need signs and cues for the timing to be right. Just going straight out telling your emotions to your interests when there is no sign or cue of interest in you will have multiple effects on you and your interests.

I am not amused and liking in your bashing of my advice, Sound. I am not here to argue with you or anyone else about what they should do if they want to have relationship. I am giving some general advice that may or may not be helpful to some people. It is to be taking into consideration since life and love are complicated issues for many people.

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20 May 2010, 8:43 am

Sedaka wrote:

A very valid point there, Sedaka. Even I have done it with mixed results but the friendship has lasted without awkwardness occurring. Sometimes, it is for the best to express those feelings when you feel you have to. It is ultimately up to them for them to reciprocate those similar feelings back towards. Now that make time to do so but as long as the friendship is maintained and stable. Anything is possible in life for anyone. The sky is the limit when expressing feelings and having them reciprocate back. As R. Kelly's song, I Believe I Can Fly states we can all reach the potential of having a relationship maybe even with a good and close friend.

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20 May 2010, 5:49 pm

Very well put, JerryHatake!

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20 May 2010, 7:06 pm

Good deal Jerry. I'm glad you're happy with what you're trying. Just be sure you're not afraid to speak your mind when the moment comes though.

Mosaicofminds wrote:

But if you're not attracted to them from the beginning, then no offense, but if you become friends with them, I don't see it ever getting out of the friend zone. The attraction just isn't there. On rare occasions it's possible to get out of the friend zone with a relationship like this, but it never does develop into real love. The attraction grows, the affection grows, but there's a feeling of something missing, and then you realize you never went through that "head over heels" phase everyone else did, and it doesn't seem to be coming any time soon, either.

YMMV, of course.

Mm, yeah. Good point. I kind of noticed with my last serious relationship. I had this moment with our first couple serious conversations, but she never did, and eventually she just old me she never felt a spark, and I probably should've been able to tell. =/.... To her I think I was more of an experiment. A rare chance to try a relationship dynamic that doesn't usually occur. (Our first serious conversation went into was about our awkwardness about gender rules, and sense of discomfort being stuck in the "guy" role and the "girl" role, even though neither of us cared to alter our bodies or was uber-bothered by this.) She even claimed to have had fun with that.

It's really not fun when it works out that way, with a one-sided head-over-heels feeling and a drawn-out relationship. .__.;... For that reason, I've since tried to always break things quickly once I realize that I'm really just not interested. I don't want to make anyone hurt like that....

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