Hyper aware of your lack of abilities?

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I am not officially diagnosed but I have discovered a lot about myself since finding this forum. I found at work today when something comes up that I have difficulties with I am really, REALLY aware of that fact now and get a little nervous/anxiety and wonder if I can even do it.

I used to not be aware and just trudge through the problem as best I could and think nothing of it. Now I get all paranoid that I won't be able to handle it or how to handle it or what the right thing/way to do it is.

Did anyone else go through this during their self-discovery? I'm hoping it goes away. LOL

Reminded me of something in this article:

Before I was diagnosed, I thought that I picked up emotional signals from others, that I was sensitive to people's emotional needs, and that I had empathy....

Then AFTER I was diagnosed, my family and (my only) friend found that they then felt safe in telling me that I obviously don't understand others' feelings, that I had always come across as cold, distant and distinterested.

If they had only had the courage to tell me this BEFORE, then maybe it might have helped me to avoid 17 years of wrong diagnoses and dozens of powerful medications. ... but I would have been offended.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. Knowing what they are makes life easier for me.

I am very aware of my lack of abilities and knowledge. The flip side is that I know what I do know and what I can do. It gives me confidence to try new things to see if I can do them or not, or if the ability comes from practice.

I filed for SSDI shortly after I was formally diagnosed and the attorney who filed my Disability case asked me once if my symptoms had gotten worse after I was diagnosed, as he had heard that sometimes happened.

I was quite puzzled by the remark and truth be told, wasn't sure if I should be offended, because it sounded to me as though he was implying, or even encouraging that I would or should exaggerate my symptoms to make my disability seem worse than it was. In any case, I thought the whole notion was kind of stupid to come from the mouth of a supposedly educated man. I still think that, but now I believe I understand what he was saying, and why there might be some legitimate reason why an observer might come to that conclusion.

Those of us not diagnosed until well into the business of living, have had years to develop coping mechanisms to get us through day-to-day life. We didn't know they were coping mechanisms, because we weren't even aware just how hard we were forced to struggle to pretend we were like everyone else. Oh, we knew we were different, no doubt about that, and so did everybody around us, no matter how well we played the NT part - but because we never experienced the world through neurotypical eyes, it was easy to suppose that well, everybody dealt with those pressures and struggles at least in some ways.

Once you're diagnosed and you begin to learn about what AS is, and how completely it affects your life on every conceivable level (they do call it a PERVASIVE disorder for a reason), the scales start to fall from your eyes and you realize with a sort of slow-motion shock that NO, everybody does not have these problems. You always felt a little different because you were never allowed to realize how totally different you actually are.

Its just like that cute lil' habit the newly diagnosed have (and I did it, too) of referring to their case of AS as a 'mild' one. In the beginning, its easy to think that, because you're still living in that brainwashed state of believing you're one of them. The more you come to understand what exactly clinical psychologists mean when they throw around terms like Empathy, Theory of Mind and Executive Function the more aware you become of just how completely differently your mind has been functioning from those around you for your entire life. And gradually, the NT mask starts to slip and fall away. The diagnosis is like a Get Out of Jail Free card - you finally come to terms with the fact that you don't have to pretend anymore to be someone you never were. You don't have to hide your true nature anymore. And so, to those around you, it may appear that after your diagnosis, your Autistic behaviors are more pronounced - and they are - because you're no longer obligated to stifle yourself.

You didn't get worse, you just stopped lying about who you are.

And , yes, I too am now hyper-aware of my deficiencies, but I don't think they've gotten any more severe or harder to deal with - although I do sometimes feel that I am no longer obligated to make myself sick with anxiety to please someone else. I am certainly more aware of the disabilities because I know their names now, but before where I would have panicked and looked around for a tool or an alternate method to help me cover for something I could not do, I feel more empowered to just say "Nope, I'm not comfortable doing that."

Another excellent post, Willard. Right on the money.

Willard, That post definitely deserves a place in the ASD FAQ, if there is one...

Thanks guys

I wish I were as articulate as you, Willard!

I was recently put through an assesment by psychologist an NIH (National Institute of Health) in DC. At first they decided I was too mild to do research on, since it was a research project they would've paid me for. Then they changed their minds. They said I was hyper aware of myself and that I've "worked my way off the spectrum" I tried to explain that I still feel the same way that I did when I was a kid and had all the obvious symptoms. He said a lot of people just learn to cope. It's our hyper awareness that makes us seem more "normal" I didn't necessarily agree since I still feel like I have constant internal struggle going on inside my brain to look and seem normal. I do it even when I'm by myself at this point. If I didn't I would probably hurt myself a lot more, like I used to. I said to him that being told I'm no longer on the spectum feels invalidating.

He said think of it this way, that a lot of people he sees are so unaware at how socially inept they are that they are happy. They are loners and they are taken care of by their family. They have no job and they are happier than I am, he said. That's the balance. I've sacraficed my happiness for self awareness and the ability to fit in. I'm not totally unhappy. But sometimes I wonder just how more stressed out and anxious I am than the people I'm pretending to fit in with.

They later called me back and asked me to come back to be a part of the research study but it was too late I had already moved. I guess after reviewing my case they decided that I am actually on the spectrum after all. I don't know though.

Thank you again, Willard! That is exactly how things are for me. I was not diagnosed until I was 45 and I just threw off all the things I learned in favor of being the me that I had always been on the inside. Some friends and family members accused me of acting the part to fit my "new life", but I told that they are finally seeing the real Steve with the costume off.

"Remember that strange and brilliant little boy you loved? He grew up into a depressed, moody, anxious, lonely, and inhibited adult that people only tolerated."

dustintorch: Wow. So many people seem to care more about what they see on the outside rather than what is going on on the inside. I have felt the same in the respects I consider important, through most of my life. But other people put this huge emphasis on when I could speak, and when I couldn't speak, and other things that are so external I barely notice them, and they see "lots of change" over time where I don't. Because what they care about is my outsides, or rather their (somewhat blinkered) perceptions of my outsides. When autism is about how we think and perceive on the inside.