How to stop myself from being a stalker
Mouldy
Velociraptor
Joined: 28 Nov 2009
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 467
Location: The Other Side Of The Pickle Jar!
I have a question. Do you think there is any healthy way for a human being to be a special interest? I really don't think my husband considers me one; wouldn't having interest in someone to be at that level be more like objectifying the person and, thus, there would never be a way to have a healthy relationship? I guess what I wondering is if it is wise to reduce or limit contact, or if it's time to just admit that this isn't meant to be and cut off all contact.
I think it is largly out of ones control what becomes a special interest, but you can control (or try at least) how you behave.
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I think the key thing is to logically work out how much would be normal contact with that person and not let yourself contact them more than that.
I think it's very easy for aspies to become stalkers, because having a person as a special interest happens all the time. I know that I have had this very thing happen to me many times. I find I can't control when it happens, but I can exhibit self control. Unfortunately, I don't know what it's like to fall for someone without that person becoming my special interest. It happens every time. But that doesn't mean I objectify the person, on the contrary, it's like an intense feeling of love and attachment, and an intense desire to be constantly near/in contact with that person at all hours of the day, plus constantly obsessively thinking about said person (basically like a normal crush, except more extreme I think).
Self control is the only solution, thus I have built up my self control for years and it is very strong.
Also, to the OP, I don't think it's necessarily inevitable that this will happen, it seems to be different for different people, but don't freak out - because in the end you are your own master, and you can learn to control your urges.
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Into the dark...
I'm the same way. If and when a person becomes my special interest, I want to always be near them, I'm constantly thinking about them (ALL THE TIME lol) and I even think of doing romantic things for them, which now that I think about it would be kinda creepy coming from a random stranger lol
Luckily I've found someone finally who accepts me for all my faults, so I can have her be my special interest and not seem like a stalker lol
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Aspie score: 110/200, Neurotypical score: 89/200. Apparently I have Aspie and NT traits.
I think your best bet is to nip emotional attachment in the bud.
I am the same. There is one guy i'm madly in love with and look at MSN every 5 minutes to see if hes online. That isn't hurting anyone, but it's unhealthy. Best to nip it in the bud at the stage where it isn't hurting anyone.
If you are unsure of what healthy behaviour in regards to this is, I can try and help out.
Calling/texting someone you don't know too well more than a couple of times a week.
Don't let it get past this point, if you find yourself starting to do this, try to nip it in the bud.
Also, sometimes you know where they live, and you go out of the way to walk past their house. Its not hurting anyone, but this is the time to tell yourself "Its developing into something unhealthy now is the time to act/put it to a stop".
To avoid being a stalker first you have to be capable of recognising stalking behaviour in yourself so you don't need it pointed out to you. If you have any more problems or questions, post here.
This thread makes me sad. I don't want to agree with the folks who said not to get attached to anyone, but I'm seeing some wisdom in it. When I fall in love, the other person becomes my special interest, and that can be a beautiful thing. Most recently, I fell in love with another Aspie and we were each other's special interest. We were constantly in contact--texting, e-mailing, IM'g, all over each other's social sites...and then all of a sudden I was shut off. I didn't understand it. I still don't.
I feel like he was the first person to understand me, the legitimate me I've always hidden away lest she be laughed at or made fun of or bullied. For the first time I had an honest to God friend...and then I didn't. I still have to restrain myself from contacting him, because I'm so alone now. He's accused me of stalking, and I guess technically I did--but only because I didn't understand why things changed so suddenly. I almost wish I'd never met him, or that I'd stayed well away from him when things first started. But right now I want my friend back.
I can't bring him back, nor would I want to coerce him, but I sure could use that kind of friend again. And I never, ever want to feel this rejected and worthless again. I guess I have agree that staying away from people completely is the safer thing to do.
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-Amy
without the dark of night we could not see the stars
hereirawr.wordpress.com <---shameless self-promo
I feel like he was the first person to understand me, the legitimate me I've always hidden away lest she be laughed at or made fun of or bullied. For the first time I had an honest to God friend...and then I didn't. I still have to restrain myself from contacting him, because I'm so alone now. He's accused me of stalking, and I guess technically I did--but only because I didn't understand why things changed so suddenly. I almost wish I'd never met him, or that I'd stayed well away from him when things first started. But right now I want my friend back.
I can't bring him back, nor would I want to coerce him, but I sure could use that kind of friend again. And I never, ever want to feel this rejected and worthless again. I guess I have agree that staying away from people completely is the safer thing to do.
I'm the same way if that happened to me. Like when my first girlfriend dumped me, we did stay friends but I could never understood why and I constantly pestered her to tell me why for what seemed like an eternity. lol
I agree with some of the people here. I don't think you should let someone else become your special interest, unless you're in a committed relationship, and there's some "backbone" to the relationship. (ie. don't "obsess" over them the first month you meet them or you might scare them away)
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Aspie score: 110/200, Neurotypical score: 89/200. Apparently I have Aspie and NT traits.
i've had a sort of stalker before.
That girl was loco... or maybe just unattractively desperate.
she tracked down my address and asked my friends for my cell number after i wouldn't give them to her. She kept telling people i was her boyfriend
I was like "oh my god.... i can't believe i actually have a stalker."
She gave up after a few months though. Possibly just found someone else, idk
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Redd
Snowy Owl
Joined: 24 Dec 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 147
Location: Brevard North Carolina, United States
hmmm my input on this may be valuble yet i may sound like someone who thinks of himself as superior although im not. the stalker claims to "need" the person he stalks but really who is to blame in this scenario? the stalker is to blame and only the stalker. those who say that they "cant control themselves" are weak minded or just lying and therfor deserve all negative consequences associated with their actions.
basically what im getting at is if you dont want to stalk then simply dont do it, and if anyone says its not that simple they are one of the weak or a lair and the weak always deserve what they get. responsibility to the responsible. I live my life by that simple rule.
earlier the statement was made that the stalker substitutes this imagined need for another person for a personal need or problem. If that is truly the case that still doesnt mean that the person who fits this description isnt 100% to blame for all their stalking behavior. If thats the only way you can deal with your un met needs then do us all a favor and fix those problems your self in a healthy non destructive way because all personal problems can and should be taken care of solely by the person they apply to even if this means seeking help from others. although i personally see that as a sign of weakness as well. do not tell me insensitive or harsh because i will take it as a compliment. if everyone was a harsh rugged individualist then we wouldnt have these kind of problems in the world.
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