14 year-old aspie son always yells "shut up"?

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For the past year, I seem to be annoying my teen son, diagnosed with AS, every time I open my mouth. When he is playing WoW, which is most of the time this summer, I cannot ask him anything without getting either "shut the F*&% up" or "I hate you B&%$&@" or the more neutral "you are so annoying." When i tell him that he does not need to yell at me, he almost always says the same thing--"but you were yelling at me." When I ask him to explain, as I am not raising my voice, he says that my asking him questions about stuff he doesn't want to talk about IS yelling at him.

WTF? Is this a teenage attitude thing or is it AS? Is it something other aspies understand or can relate to? Or is he depressed? Sometimes his moods change abruptly. Sometimes he has rages where he dents the wall with his fist. He has a lot to be depressed about. He is very overweight, has no friends other than the friends on WoW, and he pretty much hates school, which is starting again in 3 weeks.

Any advice at all--I need it. I'm walking on eggshells all them time now with him. Even when I am talking to his sister in another room and he can hear us, he frequently tells us to "shut the %$&# up." I am a self-diagnosed AS and try to put myself in his shoes, but feel like I cannot say or do anything around him now. I love him and want to do the right thing. He is 14.

I think I used to do that, minus the cussing. I think that's just what happens when you can't communicate right and you're depressed, and want to do your interests in peace. I think that things will get better when he is older.

WoW is a really bad interest anyway. It doesn't gain your kid anything and anyone can be obsessed with it.

Asking someone questions is yelling? I never seen anyone with that weird thought.

I assume he hasn't always been this way since you asked if it's teen behavior or AS behavior. Maybe it's the hormones. I got pretty bad in my teens but I never did those things to my mother nor punched holes but my brother did several times and my parents always made him fix the hole. I maybe said shut up a few times and called her that b word once. They usually slipped out of my mouth because I was frustrated. I also used to talk back.

However I never saw my brothers acting the way I did in my teens but my little brother told our mother to shut up once lol and also the fact he get snotty because of his tone of voice and he never realized he be doing it until mom told him and he always apologize and stop.


Sounds like he may need counseling. I hear lot of teens need it, AS or not.

This has absolutely nothing to do with AS and everything to do with the fact that your son was not taught to respect his parents and now that he his 14 and going through puberty, you are seeing the manifestation of that.

Behavior like that should not be tolerated at all. If he were my kid and he spoke to me like that, he wouldn't be playing WoW for the rest of the summer.

You are the parent. You and your spouse together need to be firm, confront him together on his behavior and language, and bilaterally enforce punishments.

Speaking to a parent that way, over a WoW game, just can't be tolerated. It's not just disrespectful, it's dangerous. The time will come where you'll have to tell him to do something for his own good, and you'll have to hope he does it, even when you aren't looking. If he regards you that little, he's unlikely to regard your advice or orders any better. Which, if he makes the wrong decisions, could be fatal. Tell him to stop, and have real consequences for not stopping. A small step now will save you heartache later.

What you have is a simple case of teen disrespect. Threaten to send him to live with his father.

I sort of, though not entirely, agree with some previous posters. It's time to get tough: no more back-talk tolerated, or he loses privilges; limited amounts of time spent playing his game; fill the vacant spaces of time with productive things. Asperger's is no reason at all to be allowed to be a jerk.

Just throw him a cold shoulder. That's the best way to put your foot down without intimidating him. In short, others' bad habits don't thrive without your attention.

He shouldn't be allowed to play WoW, for the rest of the summer, if he's going to talk to you, like that.

Hi there,

I have a 15 year old boy. I have AS, he doesn't so I don't know if I can help. What I do know, is that he needs to learn some manners, AS or not. In the big bad world, he is likely to get in serious trouble for speaking to people like that.

I wasn't dx with AS until I hit 36 years old, but as a child the same scenarios were there for my behaviour. My parents were very strict, my mother crossed the line a few times and was excessively violent, however, they taught me etiquette, table manners, how to speak eloquently and correctly and to think before I speak. Doesn't always work and it became my life to an obsessive degree, but I doubt I would have gotten good jobs and meaningful discourse if I did not have the basic tools of correct and proper communication and social skills.

I am almost as strict with my son (minus the violence) but so help me if he ever spoke to me that way. He would be grounded for a month and all computer privileges removed. It is about respect and whether you have AS or not is besides the point. Discipline is not easy. It is easier to give in so you can avoid the argument and the vicious looks but eventually it backfires and they end up walking all over you.

Stay calm, stick to your decisions and get angry once in a while. There is nothing wrong with your child seeing how much they have ticked you off with their behaviour or lack of respect. I have learnt through years of therapy that you can be angry without losing your temper and having a melt down.

Take care and maybe get some help from a unbiased support platform. Does he have some skills to learn to deal with uncomfortable sounds? I also suffer terribly with sounds and often ask my family to please be quiet, in the nicest way possible. I also use ear plugs. Please get some for your son. It may cut his agitation in half as they do for me. Maybe assess his environment and ask for his involvement in improving it if you can. Softer lights or a "down time" in his room quietly or some such thing.

Take care. You are on the right track in getting some support with this issue. It means that you care about your boy and you are a good mum. Get some confidence in your parenting and stand up for yourself. Set the boundaries and all will get better over time.

Mics

I used to be an addictive gamer and would get upset whenever my parents interrupted me. But I would never curse at them like that. Try to get him as far away from online gaming as possible. It's a terrible addiction that makes people live in a fantasy world and not care about the real world they're living in. Do whatever it takes to get him away from that game, the first few weeks will be hell but give it time and he will thank you. I wish my parents did that to me 4 years ago. I used it as an escape from the real world, and when I went to college and started to get a life I started to lose interest in gaming and 3 months ago I decided to play no more than an hour a day. And 3 days ago I chose to stop online gaming for good.

Please do everything you can to stop this terrible addiction. He will more pissed off than he has ever been if you take his game away. Think of it this way. If he was doing drugs would you take those away from him? Would you let him continue using them but limit the usage? Obviously not! Gaming may be more accepted the drugs but it is doing equal if not worse damage. Sitting in one place for a long time isn't good for health and he has Asperger's so he is not improving his social skills and not being out in the real world enough will make him anxious when he actually does have to go out.

I'm telling you this from my personal experience. Stopping my gaming addiction was the best thing I ever did for myself, and your son is still very young. Don't let him live that life. You can stop this right now. As soon as I stopped gaming, I started exercising as a way to relax. Maybe you can encourage that.

Good Luck!

I think AS most certainly can contribute to a feeling of being yelled at when you feel someone is bombarding you with questions that you feel are intrusive, demanding or personal. Autistic processing issues can make it difficult or even completely overwhelming to try to compose answers under pressure that won't get you yelled at (and the questioner may not even realize how much pressure they're creating), so I can kinda get that.

However, there is absolutely no excuse for allowing any teenager to speak to his mother that way. If I had ever said things like that to my Mom, I'd have been picking my teeth out of the carpet. If my Dad had heard me talk to her like that, It would have been a free trip to the hospital. And I'd have deserved it.

I can understand depression and low self esteem, but do you realize what kind of adult you are creating by not teaching this boy to respect others? And if he's overweight, why is he sitting around playing a game in the first place? The game should be a reward for doing something useful or getting some exercise or both. not a place to hide and become even more lethargic and depressed and overweight and self-loathing.

Honestly, I hated sports as a kid because I'm clumsy and always felt I was letting the team down, because...well, because they were always telling me I was letting them down, and they were right, I sucked. But I wish somebody had gotten me interested in weight training back then - you can do it by yourself, the results become visible very quickly and looking better makes you feel better - about everything. Just a suggestion, nothing's right for everybody, but some kind of self-improvement should be tied to the PRIVILEGE of WoW time.

This guy needs a PURPOSE, other than gaming. A reason for being. Something that will bring a sense of accomplishment and individual value.

I went through a similar period when I was his age, in pretty much every respect (except I was not overweight). I was depressed and he probably is too.

The thing about MMOs like WoW is that, because they involve other people and they're persistent online worlds, you cannot pause the game, and you frequently feel obligated to do things because if you quit (say, during the middle of an instance) you will be letting the players you're playing with down. It means that if you're interrupted it affects not only your enjoyment but the enjoyment of those you're playing with. It is engrossing and, especially if your only friends are within the game, it becomes more important than the real life concerns that your parents may be bothering you with.

I'm not entirely sure what you can do about it. You can try to limit his use of WoW, but I don't know how that'll affect him. It could easily make him even more depressed, at least for the forseeable future, and it would certainly make him resent you more. You should maybe look at the causes of his problems and try to fix them first. WoW, at least in my case, was a symptom, not a cause.

Thank you for all of he incredible feedback. To everyone who said that he should treat me with respect, I agree, obviously. But since puberty about 3 years ago, he has gotten less social and basically irritated by other people everywhere. He seems so depressed. As to the game, I go back and forth, thinking its an obsession and his main interest (so he should keep it) and thinking its an addiction. I am afraid to impose the limits I told him I would impose at the beginning of the summer, e.g., the parental WoW limits per day of maybe 3-4 hours. I repeat, I am afraid. He is a big kid, over 200 pounds, and has put holes on the wall before. I am being bullied because he knows and I know that I am afraid. If I though he was this way because he is depressed, I would try to make another appointment with a shrink he saw a couple of times, and get him some meds. But if its just my bad parentling, then I guess I've created a bully.