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This is kind of an utterly distraught-can't-sleep-6am update of something I posted earlier...

I have been dating the most wonderful guy in the world for 10 months and we just broke up. I got the whole "It's not you... It's me" line and all. (fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...........)

A little background... This has been the most splendid relationship I've had in years, literally... Yet things had been kind of off for almost two months now and we have tried talking about it several times (to no avail obviously). All he would offer for his acquired distance is:

a) depression (he was on anti-depressants for several years, so ok...) b) he's tired from work and needs alone time (i like being alone too, so ok) and finally, after much probing, c) he has health issues which might constrain certain timelines he has planned out for life (I love him so much, so ok)

Every time we talk, things get better for a bit but then he reverts right back to never calling or wanting to do anything with me. If I confront him, it goes back to the above points with the addition of how he just doesn't feel like doing anything and just works and goes home... doesn't hang out or anything.

Then one night, he butt dials me and all I hear is him out having a splendid time with some chick "______". Whatever... They could be friends... But when I asked him what he wound up doing that night, he lied and said "nothing"... he went home. So of course I don't press it anymore and things start to fester. Every time he doesn't want to hang out, I keep wondering what is up.

So I did the unspeakable and looked at his phone. Since I knew her name, I could easily see that he has been spending a whole bunch of time with this girl... Taking her out to dinner... Out on fun events... For like the whole time he's been distant with me. Also, he mentions to her things that me and him do... without mentioning me, conveniently.

Eventually confronted him about it. I told him how he butt dialed me and lied and asked who she was. He just couldn't think of a single name... He asked "what night" it was to help jog his memory and I honestly didn't remember. I told him how I looked at his phone and knew he was spending all this time with her and wouldn't you know... He immediately conjured her name. We talked and he said he didn't cheat and I believed him cause hey... Maybe she is just a friend. But somehow the issue of why he even bothered to lie never got solved.

Next couple of weeks or so things started to get better. We went out for a nice dinner this past sat and I took off sunday to spend the whole day with him (we both work a lot, usually 7 days a week for me, so this doesn't happen often)... We woke up sunday, bummed around the house for a bit and then he had to run some errands. This is what struck me as awkward, cause we've often run errands together and I was supposed to be hanging out with him that day... But he just kind of absent-mindedly (?) escorted me to my car like it was time for me to go. When I asked him, he was just like, "oh, I thought you'd be bored." But he invited me along, we came back home, cooked dinner and had a lovely evening "together."

I was in such a good mood, I thought to do a little covert operation to get him a christmas present. He lovely this series of books that are out of print and he mentioned he still needed a couple of them. I looked up online the titles but couldnt remember which ones he had. So I went to his place to see which books he had.

Now I don't know why... but I did something I'm not proud of... But as angry and disappointed in myself as I am... It's hard for me to not see the upshot kind of... I for some reason decided to read his email...... I saw on sunday night, literally minutes before coming to bed to me... He emailed her kind of apologizing for his errands taking too long that day. Like I guess they had planned to hang out. I also saw that he was arranging to take her out tomorrow. Since he had shot me down for hanging out tonight (cause he was working) I decided to follow up and ask him to hang out tomorrow. He said 'no can do", cause he has to work (when he's really going to hang out with this chick).

I basically emailed him and broke up with him and vaguely mentioned dishonesty and some such. He basically said it's not working for him cause he just doesn't feel it. And I just don't know how to feel. I want him to be happy and such...

I just don't understand all this lying. WTF. Why? I feel like s**t for being as crazy as I have and yet even though I've tried talking to him several times about this... He just keeps lying.

I just feel so bewildered.

Also, he's somewhere here on (the other site i posted this to)... So if he happens to see this, then I guess he'll find out. Otherwise... I'm just going to let it go cause I'm not as crazy as I sound in this post and I do love him... So what could I do anyway... since he just doesn't love me.

I am sorry things didn't work out. I hope you can meet someone better eventually. In the meantime, take some time out for yourself for a while.

I'm sorry too you're going through this. Lying is easier than ending a relationship for some people... though I can't see why myself, it's just stretching out the discomfort. Fresh start for you to find someone better.

All this and yet you still think he's the most wonderful guy in the world?

My spider sense says: you uncovered just the tip of the iceberg.

Don't feel bad. This liar and cheat does not deserve to be with you.

Yeah, sounds like he's right: it's not you, it's him. More specifically, it's not you it's him being a complete prick.

You're better off without him.
He's not worth you.

Exactly. If he fell out of love with you, or stopped feeling for you, it sucks so badly but fair enough. What is so wrong is LYING about it, dragging things out, and emotionally cheating on you (if not physically also) with another girl behind your back.

The sad thing is that this situation is very commonplace. I don't understand it myself; if I'm in a relationship and stop having feelings for my partner, I will straight away outright tell them honestly what is going on, and breakup if it comes down to that, but I would never cheat in that way while still being in a relationship.

The two timing bastard can rot in hell. If he had any balls he would have ended it as soon as he got feelings for someone else.

He's a gutless, spineless, pathetic creep.

Does he have AS?

This sounds a bit like me, I'm serious. I'm not saying your feelings don't come first but there could be many roadblocks ahead even if he is intersted in you.

The fact that he's cheating a lying about it means he doesn't take their relationship seriously. Sounds like a horrible man, AS or not. When lies just roll of people's tongues like that it makes them dangerous.

http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/c ... _in_a_lie/

here's the reddit thread for it... for some more interesting commentary.

he's been to doctors for years due to depression ect... he said half of them said yes while others said no. no official dx though.

I'm sorry Sedaka.

It does sound like he was cheating. I've had this same crap happen to me numerous times though 4 out of 1 because my therapists thought it was me. I guess I shoudl rethink the so-called obvious scenarios through.

Stay strong.

Sedaka,

I am very sorry you have had to go through this. It's a shame he did not have the integrity to tell you the truth.

I hope you feel better soon!

HR

he says he wasn't doing anything with her... though he did lie to me about where he was ect... and he never mentioned me (as far as i can tell) to her.

i don't know. just so defeated.