What is it about Aspie women that men can't stand?

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In answer to the original question, neurotypical men like women they don't have to take seriously. Aspie women demand to be taken seriously. Simple as that.

Maybe this is trolling and I shouldn't respond, but in case you are sincere, I will be so as well. I have bolded the ones that can equally or more suitably describe NT women than Aspie women (and are therefore inaccurate). I have italicized the ones that are over-generalized to the point of being inaccurate. Along those lines, "adopt radical ideologies"--to this I can only say...eh? This is in no way related to Asperger's. Very random. The ones I didn't touch are largely accurate, however. The last one might not be; I suspect it's more variable.

Edit: I realize this may come across as defensive or angry, but I don't feel either. I simply want to clear up any misconceptions.

I should have qualified some of the traits, rather I notice trends when observing women with aspergers. Should have a disclaimer ** not all women with aspergers have these traits. But the ideologies thing has to do with the tendency towards self-esteem issues, as well as self-deception - ideologies are often a way to fill a void. It seems a lot of aspies suffer from bouts of self deception because of their difficulty with interpreting the social world and more radical ideologies may appeal to them since they are on the end of a lot of abuse.

Last edited by ZakFiend on 30 Nov 2010, 11:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that could be part of it, though I think its true for guys as well unless they have a very particular look about them - seems like that's how society often dispenses who can do what in general. While I do like a girl with a sense of humor who can laugh at things and disengage a bit in productive silliness, I still prefer someone who does take themselves and other people seriously beneath it all and enjoys a deep/intelligent conversation just as much rather than having an inherent allergy to it. With depth/seriousness at her core, humor and silliness at the right times seems more admirable I guess while, if that's all there is to her, it just seems flaky.

I've had plenty of women on Eharmony who will throw out the question "How often do you find yourself laughing?" I'll always say that I'm 50/50 - I see equal the beauty in both the humorous and serious sides of things. Plenty stop right there seemingly because much less than an always answer is too much seriousness. I'm perfectly ok with the 'loss' because, well, I can't relate to people who are constantly running from anything that's real or alternately working that hard to run from themselves. The feeling seems mutual.

Yeah, like cripples can become pole vaulters or Down's Syndrome guys can become astronauts.

They're all lazy.

As a VERY Aspie gal, some of the things that have been said about me in relationships:


insecure
emotional
too passionate about different causes
submissive
want to spend every waking moment together
no friends other than him
near-total mute, punctuated by monologues where I come off as a know-it-all
never smile unless he smiles at me
misunderstand him

Add to that my being asexual and quite hideous according to society,
it's a wonder the relationships lasted as long as they did.

Nothing, apparently. In my experience, almost all aspie women are either ugly or taken. I think a better question would be "What is it about aspie men that women can't stand?"

I've never met a (diagnosed) Aspie in real life, but I have noticed some things just in my time here on WP.

Many of the Aspie men I've encountered are:
sexist
sex-obsessed
dismissive of the struggles Aspie women face
easily-angered
used to blaming others for their shortcomings
(IE "I can't get a date because women are too stupid/masochistic to appreciate NICE GUYS.")

I've had to report a few individuals for sending me death threats after I apparently offended them by disagreeing with their proclamations about women and why they couldn't get a date, and I had to stop replying to one thread because the individual had worked himself into a mental state where I feared he was on the verge of going out and assaulting a woman.

But there are many men here who are perfectly rational, lovely people.
I've just never ever noticed any of the above on forums until I came to WP.

In general I have noticed that many AS women are in relationships. Most who are not do not want to be in relationships.

Word of advice to the OP, you are wearing a mask in the relationship and that is not sustainable for any relationship. Be honest about who you are, explore your interests, and you may find somebody. I would also say it is helpful to be honest about AS, I don't think being open about that is harmful at all for most women on the spectrum. Honestly being open about my ASD helped my relationship.

What I have noticed is the girls who wear the mask, which works great for work, often suffer for it in relationships. The ones I have seen on this board who do the best are those who thrive in their quirkyness and don't try to be normal.

With regards to online dating, I have avoided most online sites, but I did find my current boyfriend through OKcupid. I am not a big fan of other sites, they don't allow the same level of screening and are often far to generic in thier funcitonality.


Alot of what some of the guys have posted in this thread is misogynistic crap.

Also with the person who mentioned having a kid from a previous relationship, I will note this is a strike against most women regardless of whether or not they are on the spectrum. Having kids from a previous relationship decreases the likelihood of finding a long term relationship. I have met way to many women who had kids and thinking they could find somebody as easily as they did before they had kids.

I think that answer has been supplied already -- basically, weirdness. It's ok in women because there are so fewer Aspie women (at least from what I see represented here), and women generally are in high demand until child-rearing age, meaning even weird women can find guys (generally). Men also don't expect as much from women in terms of earning power -- men value other things. Women do appreciate earning power in men, and this factors significantly into their relationship calculus. If a man's weirdness precludes him from having a normal or decent-earning occupation, his ability to find a long-term girlfriend or wife diminishes significantly.

Does the above make sense? Not trying to be flip, just succinct.

Aspies aren't our own species- why would men as a whole be more accepting of a weird Aspie woman because of a gender differential in the Aspie population?

Yes, I seem to have been unclear there. What I mean is -- you see a lot more men here in L&D than women looking for love, probably because:

A) The autism spectrum disorders are weighted heavily male, and one theory is that an autistic/Aspie brain is an "overly male" brain, meaning deficits in the social areas of the brain

B) The supply and demand issues I mentioned earlier. Most (but not all men) crave one thing from women at the basic level -- sex. Men will have sex with a weird woman, with a woman they hate, wih a woman they are barely attracted to -- the same is not true (in general) for women, at least in terms of how well they have to know or like someone to want to have sex with them. There have been studies done where men are asked how well they would have to know someone before they had sex with them -- it has literally gotten down significant amounts of men being willing to know someone for 5 minutes or less. It was not nearly the case for women -- it was a time interval that was much larger, though I would have to look it up again.

Now before I get bombared with all of the "I have no sex drive/ I'm asexual" comments -- yes, it would seem that this is somewhat overrepresented in male Aspies. In my argument, I can exclude you as the minority of men and still have my statement be true.

It goes beyond earning potential, that is a gross oversimplification that many Aspie men make. It really does have to do deal with social responsiveness, lack of empathy, etc. Women are more selective these days in general because most work, and many are not looking primarily for providers, but partners. Women are not so black and white, and that is a big reason Aspie men struggle. I have known some pretty poor guys who thrived because they were very social, charismatic, funny, empathetic, confident, etc. Basically they were very NT.

I think the person pointing out that guys it is often a sex drive which is the guiding force, while women it is far more complicated. From a social emotional level and sexual level you are talking about a major gap in terms of needs and desires.

In other words, weirdness.



I would still say this is a small subset. Appreciate that many of us here posting on these boards are of above-average intelligence and financial means (either our own or our parents, for those not employed) -- we have the money for a web connection, a computer, we're literate, and we clearly have time to post here. We are not the norm -- a good % of the population is still barely online. I would suspect that our peers also reflect these demographics. I think the case would be very different for the majority of the middle and lower-middle class, many of whom don't have college degrees, and many of whom are barely keeping their heads above the poverty line.



Me again -- I would say that for most NT men, not sure about Aspie men, judging by the amount of asexuals here, sex is indeed a primary motivator. Yes, there are others -- eating, sleeping, shelter, and misc. That being said, the adult entertainment industry is huge (it now dwarfs the regular entertainment industry in CA, which is the world capital of entertainment), and prostitution is both one of the oldest and most successful industries in the world -- the majority of the clientele are male. Is this not evidence of a clear asymmetry in how men value sex vs. women?

I am very eager to hear your explanation of how you interpreted "What is it about aspie men that women can't stand?" to mean "I hate women because they don't like me because I'm a Nice Guy."

Also, you have no problem with the OP complaining about men not liking aspie women, and yet when a guy complains, it's sexist. Go figure.

you asked a question (i highlighted it), and she answered.