Advice needed on 11 year old Aspie/ADHD son with aggression

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Hello again,

I tried the non-med route for years. We then tried several non-stimulant and stimulant meds...nothing worked. He has also been in therapy for quite some time.

We also lead a pretty active lifestyle...hiking, running, we even cycled 100 miles in 4 days. I try to expose him to healthy activities and he seems to enjoy the physical outlet.

My question is this, I am not sure how to handle my son's aggression. He will poke me repeatedly, so hard it hurts. Today he pushed me in the stomach. He also sometimes kick and punch. Another thing he does is chase our dog around and poke him/hold him down.

When he pokes me, it just comes out of the blue. He does not even seem aware he is doing it. When he punches and kicks, it will start out with him trying to play and then it escalates. Sometimes I will be backed into a corner trying to push him away. There have also been times where I have to actually physically restrain him. He does have some moments when he is very calm, but that's usually if he is on the computer or watching a movie.

Any advice? I'm skeptical of the meds now and I'm at my wits end.

Thanks,

Kat

One possible suggestion is that every time your son does this, you talk to him and tell him that he can't behave like this anymore, it hurts you, and you don't want him to do it again. Every time. You can even say things like "What does it feel like when you get hurt? Do you like it? Well that's how it feels to me." The goal is to teach him that you have feelings, and that his actions may be harmful. In time he may learn better control. But you must be consistent and patient. Good luck

How is his diet? Do you find he is having any types of reactions to foods such as dyes or processed sugars? Other than that, is there a consequence that would encourage him to not do it again?

@ Denver Dave - I have tried speaking with him numerous times when he is calm. He often says it wouldn't bother him. Sometimes he has difficulty seeing other peoples point of view. Kind of like.. If he's not experiencing it, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Tonight he also poked me and I asked him to stop. He didn't even recall doing it. He has also told me that he will get the urge to poke and can't stop.

@ grace - his diet is healthy. Lots of fruits, veggies, chicken, and fish. We only drink water at home. I don't buy sodas etc. I have also tried different consequences. He always gets over it. I try positive reinforcement as well. Thus doesn't last long either.

Thanks

Exactly...this is what I'm suggesting you work on teaching him. But it could be a slow process, there may not be a quick solution.

Regarding this part:

Maybe you could ask him to recall a time when he really was hurt or injured or ill, and then compare poking to that experience. Another suggestion is, I've used a numerical pain-description system since the kids could count where you describe your pain level on a scale from 0 to 10 and zero is no pain at all and 10 is the worst pain you've ever felt in your life. Maybe you could use this system to help him put his own experiences with pain in this context, and then compare that with the pain level that poking induces. Again, teaching these concepts will take some time.

Hmm the pain scale thing is worth trying. Thanks for the tip!

Sounds like something that needs to be redirected. Get him a punching bag or something to fiddle with instead of poking you. If he starts poking you hand him something else to poke or fiddle with.

My son has done and still does do similar things sometimes although now he has progressed to trying to verbally annoy people. By far the most perplexing moments were when he woud hurt for no reason almost as a way to self-stimulate or to push reactions. I agree that a visual way to explain to him could help. What helped my son explore his emotional spectrum was drawing a rainbow with his outreach worker. They then discussed the different ways he might feel and where this could be shown on the rainbow. He learnt that hyper and happy or hyper and upset were conditions in which he may overreact or become physical. Happy and relaxed was a good place for him and that was a time when he could relate well to other children and would be less likely to be physical.

My son has done and still does do similar things sometimes although now he has progressed to trying to verbally annoy people. By far the most perplexing moments were when he woud hurt for no reason almost as a way to self-stimulate or to push reactions. I agree that a visual way to explain to him could help. What helped my son explore his emotional spectrum was drawing a rainbow with his outreach worker. They then discussed the different ways he might feel and where this could be shown on the rainbow. He learnt that hyper and happy or hyper and upset were conditions in which he may overreact or become physical. Happy and relaxed was a good place for him and that was a time when he could relate well to other children and would be less likely to be physical.

From reading your post, it doesn't seem that your son is angry when he does these things - is that a correct assumption? It seems more like he is experimenting with cause and effect, rather than loosing control and acting out aggressively.

I know this has been a controversial suggestion, but what worked for my DS (10) - who used to act out aggressively during meltdowns - was not allowing him to touch me at all for 24 hours. No hugs, no cuddles, any comfort he got from me was verbal for the day (though he was able to get hugs from Dad if needed, and he still got his bedtime routine from me, minus the hugs and kisses; this often seemed harder on me than it did on him, but it really made him stop and think.) The therapist who recommended this system had suggested that DS might have some confusion: that all touch was the same to him; this provided a clear differentiation between good, caring touch like hugs and hurtful touch like hitting.

We also taught him that he HAD to go to his room when he reached meltdown point, and have been working hard to get the school to accommodate him in a similar manner. He has finally matured enough to be able to do this, and we haven't had an incident involving physical violence for many months.

the first thing that comes to mind here, do you believe him when he says that he doesnt remember doing it or didnt realize he was doing it? if he is unaware of his actions, then its not really aggression, but more physicality.

second, do you think this could be sensory related? it sounds, especially if he describes it like an urge, like he is seeking something like deep pressure contact with the poking, pushing, holding down.

or could this be a physical expression of inner feelings? i am not asd, but when i get anxious or wound up inside, it comes out physically. i feel almost like im vibrating and need to be physical to get rid of the excess energy. i tend to punch my SO when that happens =)

my son is very much like this, extremely physical but not with an aggressive intent. he needs a lot of physical input and is often leaning or lying on furniture, the floor, or people. he is quick to punch or kick, but without the theory of mind ability to understand how his physical actions are affecting other people. you can always tell his mood by his physical actions and reactions.

with some behaviors, i think its really important to try and understand the cause before we try to eliminate them. if your child is sensory sensitive, those behaviors are often fulfilling some need or purpose that may be important for your child.