I've been told that I'm unapproachable...

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I've been told the same thing and many of our kind are unapproachable. I think the main thing is we may like people but the way we go about and doing it is completely wrong. If you like someone, how will they know you like them if you are running away from them and avoiding them. If I saw a girl run away from me, you could bet I wouldn't even have a thought that she liked me. Treating people like they are nothing is an even worse way of going about it. You have to show them you have some interest in them. You don't have to act desperate and go right up to them and say you like them(I've done that and that doesn't exactly work either). You just need to acknowledge them at least. You say you've had girlfriends so you at least have some experience anyways.

I've heard people tell me I was unapproachable before, but not necessarily because I look creepy or scary, rather they tell me I look that way because I always look upset about something and they don't want to disturb me.

I have the same problem too. I make other people feel uncomfortable with creepy stares and a blank expression.

Identified it as a defense mechanism. Basically it's me that's uncomfortable, and find it much easier to deal with people when they are too. Therefore, I developed a demeanor that makes this happen. Been doing it for so long it happens naturally.

Think the only fix is to just power thru the awkwardness. Yes you feel weird, yes you spread discomfort like a plague. But the only way to get better is to flood yourself with social exposure til it doesn't bother you anymore. Then hopefully, your outward expressions will begin to match.


PS: when I say power thru, I'm not kidding. Have gotten into fights and been yelled at for creating major awkward vibes and not taking hints to leave. However, it happens much less now, so I guess I'm getting better.

hahaha dude you're better looking that me and ive been with a ton of women

funny thing though, i just didnt seem to get it until i was about 18

then i got laid and suddenly bam, it was really easy to approach girls..

not saying thats the way to go or anything, but its kind of a matter of perspective i guess

I'm unapproachable because I seem like I'm in my own world

Well, thank you. And, yes, I am thankful that - by most peoples standards - I'm a decent looking guy...but being decent looking has not helped me at all in any way that I can think of. I have zero friends, and I've always had a very difficult time with women. I've had three girlfriends total and I'm twenty-one. Not to say that's a bad thing, but getting each one was a struggle, and with long intervals inbetween...and I used to have friends (when I was in school) who were butt-ass-ugly and had girls (pretty girls, mind you) falling at their feet! Now, I know it's because they're nice and I'm not, or (more truthfully), that they lie well and I don't. I just don't f*ck around when I'm talking to someone. I HATE courting women, I hate doing the stupid little dance. EITHER YOU LIKE ME OR YOU DON'T, LET'S LAY IT BARE UP FRONT SO THAT WE CAN EITHER PROCEED OR MOVE ON!! ! I don't like to have to cut through all the trivial sh*ttalk to get at the real person. I HATE IT. So I don't do it...and I think this may also be a contributor to the (many, I think) reasons why I am essentially friendless.

I'm not mean to girls I think are pretty, or girls that I think are ugly. But I don't like pretty girls to think that I think they're pretty unless I like them for more than just their looks. Then I'll let them know that I think they are pretty. Like I said, I don't like when I feel a girl expects me to think they're pretty. I'm not mean to anyone based on how they look. People just don't approach me...guys or girls...(well, I really don't care about the guys. For some reason I have zero interest in having a guy-friend)...and it's really starting to get to me! I'm so f*ing lonely...Why don't I have any friends? People half of what I consider myself to be have all sorts of friends! I think I may be a narcissist...Anyways, I'm a difficult person to handle, and I guess being decent looking just isn't enough for most people to try and deal with me. f**k. f**k. f**k.

I'm probably coming off as an insecure prick...

Last edited by MarsCoban on 04 Feb 2011, 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A long expressionless stare from me in particular would scare the crap out of you? Why is that?
I do try to smile but I always feel like they look forced and unnatural...

I suspect people find you creepy more from demeanor than appearance. One friend of mine has creepy looks, but is really friendly so has plenty of friends (although no girlfriend as far as I know). Vanity in and of itself won't drive friends away (one of my best friends is probably the most arrogant guy I've met). Probably it's how you treat people--even if you aren't consciously being nasty, I suspect girls would want to be flattered (although I've never been in a relationship so I can't say I'd truly know).

i used to hear all the time "i thought you hated me," (from people i didn't have any impression of or even recall meeting) and that i was intimidating, i've always been told things like "smile! it's not so bad" when i feel fine, people think i am angry or bored when i'm not, or even that i am snobby or overconfident, and on and on. you communicate differently (opposite to?) NTs in some ways and will be read wrong.

to an NT, they will be over friendly and talk a lot with someone they like, not leave them alone. i also think if you are unreadable to them it will spook them a little, and that is probably somewhat unavoidable, so it might help to try some friendly gestures like saying hello and forcing smiles and greetings .. because that's what they will expect from someone who wants to interact.

I can identify especially with deadeyexx and katzefrau as well.

I can remember realizing how unapproachable I can be, when I was walking through a neighborhood and a guy drove by in his truck and stopped in the street. He grimaced in his face before finally deciding to ask me if I had seen his dog. It looked like he was at pains to ask me probably because of the serious look that people say I have on my face, when I don't feel like I am in a serious mood at all. It seems only when a person is in urgent need, that they will attempt to approach me through my stoic demeanor.

"What's wrong?" "Why don't you smile?" Well nothing is wrong with me except I don't have monkey expressions on my face all the time and I don't smile much because I prefer to show emotion at precise times, if I continually show emotion, it would tire me out both mentally and physically.

However, I do get the point of what people are trying to say, it's that years and years of this tend to bring out my defensive side.

I feel that I have blown some chances with women, who otherwise would have been interested in striking up a conversation with me or getting to know me. My blank face, and unemotional response, surely didn't help.

For some Aspies, they seem to learn what to do and make appropriate changes. For others (myself) it can be a work in progress and then some.

Take it from me dude, there's no way around it. I've been dealing with it my whole life. If you are an Aspie guy, girls will think you're creepy. End of story.

If you are really bothered by it, like I am, then you just have to minimize its occurrence. The best way to do this is to immerse yourself in anonymity. If people don't know who you are and they get the fleeting impression you are creepy, who cares. They never even knew your name.

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A cousin that I looked up to when I was younger once confided in me that when I was nervous I quite honestly looked like I was ready to beat someone down. I think that may be what you're dealing with, if your getting a sense of flight or fight from your body and its registering outwardly people may easily sense anger or hostility. Its the way of the lymbic nonverbal world we live in.

+1

That and I can fully identify with the top paragraph. Its not only anxiety, its fatigue as well. Went to a friend's place earlier in the fall who was having a get together and one of his fiance's friends mentioned that I looked really sad like someone had wrecked my day - more realistically it might have been the coffee wearing off.

What goes around comes around. If you walk around afraid of people all the time people will be afraid of you too.

But often times when I see people like that I feel more sympathetic towards them because I figure they must be having a tough time, and I know what's that's like.

Dude, you can't just walk up to a strange woman and ask "Do you want to f*ck?"

Mind you, I knew a guy who did just that.

He would go to a party or a bar and ask every girl there.

I said "Man, you have to be kidding. You must get your face slapped a lot"

He said "Yes I do, but you would be surprised how often it works. It saves a lot of time. If they all say no then I can spend the evening drinking with my friends".

It worked for him.

Was he Kevin Bloody Wilson

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