Strange comment from an NT relative

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I was talking to my sister who is an NT. I told her that it seems that everybody likes her. She said that not everyone actually likes her but it is easier for people to drop the politeness around me and she said she doesn't know why that is. I don't pick up on social cues very well but I do sense that I am treated differently even if people are not overtly mean. Has anyone else had a sense of being treated differently? Nobody is mean to me in day to day life but I still get a sense that somehow, in a lot of ways I "don't count." People are less friendly to me and my sister's comment confirms what I suspect.

I feel like people treat me differently ... but in the opposite way... they are overtly friendly and always seem hyper concerned with how I am... it's weird they don't ask my companions.

NTs also treat me differently and just make excuses (that they look like AS people) for doing so. This also includes family.

High school and universities can be very hierarchical places, with crapola standards of popularity. Read Paul Graham's essay "Why Nerds are Unpopular," http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html in which he states that in many ways it's an artificial environment that leads to this.

And some workplaces are like this, too.

But not the whole world. In some social venues, people are more real (still ping-ponging back and forth in medium steps and getting to know each other) and appreciating people's contribution, whether the person is mainstream or different, both are okay.

I was considering similar thoughts a few days ago. It is not that most people aren't nice or friendly towards me, because they can be. But, it doesn't go beyond that all that often to the point where I wonder if it is all a charade of social niceties. I will feel like I am getting along fine with somebody at work for instance, but it will usually be someone else that they will connect with on a different level where they are helping each other on the job or going out for lunch. Maybe, I am not playing the game right. I am cheerfully willing to offer an hand when asked, even when I have plenty to do; but if I need help, it feels like more of an intrusion and a favor on their part. I guess it could be simply a popularity contest, but it does put me at a disadvantage that isn't always easy to overcome.

i know what you mean. i think people dont know how to treat me - its like, fake a smile to make me feel better or whatever? as if they even have any clue as to what i am feeling...sheesh. or maybe they smile to give me the impression that i make them smile to make me feel emotionally connected?? maybe i think to much.....

of course, some just go with "like any one else", or something along those lines for sure. or it's as if they want to help me

Yep, this has been the case for me too ever since I became aware of it. Whenever I think I'm getting along with somebody pretty well, and maybe we could become friends, especially if it's someone new added to the office or something... then I find out in disappointment that I'm not part of "that" circle. It's happened so many times I'm surprised I'm not used to it by now. I think partly it's because... I don't have that many circles... I don't like 'distant' acquaintances, we're either good friends, or not. And perhaps also a contributing factor is I don't like that many people enough to want to be friends with them anyway, and I don't like groups. I find myself sometimes wondering how close their group really is. Having been friends with people who were part of groups it seems like most of those groups are more of a shallow connection than the connections I form, but I'm still not welcome in it.
Another factor I suppose is that I seem to make most people uncomfortable if they have to interact with me for very long, even more uncomfortable than they make me. I don't act like they expect, and even when I make an effort I'm not good enough at faking it to get it right, and it's rarely worthwhile. I've decided I'm just not compatible with that many people.

People drop the politeness with me a lot, too, but not necessarily in a way which is rude. I'm led to understand that people are unusually open with me.

AS,
First off, your sister was a little out of line for saying that to you and it was hurtful, shame on her. She should have stated it differently that maybe other people didn't understand. How rude. You might want to politely confront her sometime about her behavior and mention that you were a little confused about what she said.



As for people treating me different, it happens all the time. I continuously get people who don't understand me which is fine. Yet, I do notice that when I sit in church that no one will sit in the same row with me. Meanwhile, I meet other people with different developmental disabilities such as ADHD and mild cerebral palsy who function at the same level, and they agree that they don't like me because I am weird behind my back. They then don't talk to me and when two of them are together, they act like two clicks and act mean. Yet, when one of my co-workers are gone, one of them will act like my friend and talk to me. They supposedly pretend to hate my in front of their other friends.

If they are aware you are on the spectrum, then one of the reasons might be that you represent a social blind spot to such people, meaning, since they believe you are not aware of or follow the same social rules of engagement as they do, they are unsure of how to act around you...in other words, they have an acquired social disability with respect to you.

Another reason might be that they have preconceived misconceptions about who you are and your actual strengths and weaknesses.

If any of them are overtly rude or patronizing to you, I've learned the best way to deal with this is to reply with a sarcastic incarnation of the same. This is how NT's tend to handle these situations and it seems to be very effective.

You can also assert more of a presence by speaking up more in group conversations, though there are some rules of engagement with this that can be difficult for many on the spectrum.