I am the child of a man with depression, schizophrenia, anxiety and alcoholism.My mother has anxiety, a history of eating disorders, high stress problems thanks to me and everyone else in the house, and a lack of happiness in anything. Her husband (aka Cpl. Jackoff) is verbally abusive to the ladies of the house to the point were it physically hurts, but then suddenly all chocolates and roses most of the other times. Daddy's wife (aka Jabba the Hut) has successfully cut me and my brother out of the picture. You can tell I have no respect for the stepmother, but really I do have it for my mother's spouse. I'm just mad at him right now because he just went off at me.
I myself have inheirted anxiety and depression, anger problems from the both of them, Asperger's from my dear Grandfather (I do believe anyway) and (brand new as of last month) sleeping and eating disorders. Whenever I take a bit of food, I feel so guilty I could puke (I don't do that though in fear of damaging my teeth), so slowly I've started eating less and less. Sleeping is like torture and I spend my nights thrashing around and having nightmares and all, so I'm alternating between sleeping too much and not sleeping at all. Either way, I'm getting no freaking rest and I'm starving.
I hate myself. I hate that I'm overweight. I hate that I'm always sick but no one believes me. I hate that everyone thinks I'm a freak. I hate that I'm stuck in my own bubble away from the world. I'm a total idiot. No wonder I get so upset when someone calls me stupid; it wouldn't hurt if it wasn't true. I can't read Shakespeare when all the other kids can. It's never been like that before; usually I'm the one who's either already read the book or is done with it in a day. I feel so stupid it's... well it's stupid.
I understand my situation isn't too bad. I only get called names, but other parents beat their children. Since my mother has stopped that for the moment, I'm not in danger anymore. Other kids are failing, and I'm passing straight A's in honors classes. But nothing I do will make me happy. It feels like I'm drowning myself in molassas. I can't get out either. It's like moving in slow motion. I keep forgetting that I'm alive.
Anyway, I'm going away I think for awhile. I don't want to dwell on this website anymore. It reminds me about too many things. I need to get through some crap first. A lot of crap. And I'm going to have to do it alone.
Well, that's my pathetic martyr like farewell. See ya later.
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I'm not mad, just terribly hurt.
23 Mar 2011, 9:01 am
