Feel as though suicide is inevitable

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I was at that point last year where I reached my breaking point and attempted suicide with pills. When I woke up in the hospital in restraints and not knowing where I was was a horrible feeling. I was so grateful that I didn't die because it is probably the worst thing I could have ever done to my family. That was last may and I was 6 months out of work getting over the attempt. I am still making progress on getting back to normal but it has taken a very long time. When I went into lockdown there were so many people in there who had attempted suicide or was suicidal. So you are not alone. You may not be able to see it but there is a lot to live for and what it going on now will not be going on in the future. There is so much to live for and life is a gift. I had a couple of friends who died recently and they couldn't help it but I was willing to give up my life willingly. If you get to the point where you do not feel safe then go and have your self admitted.

As far as meds there is no silver bullet. They all have side effects and the thoughts are still there. I don't understand why suicide comes to mind and that I think I should off myself. But it is there and when it comes to mind I just have to let it go. I guess it will always be there.

I feel like this too. Every single day I have felt like this, lately. And I go through cycles of feeling like it all the time. I'm not sure why, entirely either. I have days lately - these last days, where I just lie up all night and watch videos to my interests, and sleep all day because I am so depressed. So morbidly depressed that I can't do anything...ill drug myself with whatever I have in the pill cabinets, just to be in a semi-state of consciousness; not fully conscious, that is unbearable. When I didn't have pills, I would eat: pastries, pizzas, cookies, anything to stuff the void.

I have felt such morbidity I'd rather a .9 mil be put to my head than to experience another moment. But, I'm still here. I just left my job ...it was too stressful and, I wasn't making any money. I was demoralized and being lazy and unfocused. So I upped my dose of effexor to 150mg now, if eel numb. Like I don't care about anything. But i feel strangely happy...or, almost happy.

I don't know what's wrong with me, either. There's something wrong with me - but I don't know what it is. That's why I'm here. I'm trying to figure that out, it out.

I've felt exactly like you have felt. I think you'll be okay, just as long as you survive. There's something wrong in our heads...it's a chemical storm, it will pass. I think about putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, the mess it'd leave; I think about and have the image of what people would find when they saw it. That stops me from doing it, strangely; it's so grotesque.

You're not alone, Just know that.

JacobV: you can't generalize from a single case, the obvious example is that you can't know all Aspergers people from meeting one of us. Your comment was one form of extreme generalisation- in the same category of statements like "all white are greedy", "all men are rapists" etc.

PS: the characteristics you describe are far more consistent with Narcissist Personality Disorder (Cluster B) not BPD.