"I have Asperger's" is no excuse.



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Ai_Ling
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Fri May 27, 2011 2:23 pm

I would guess that most aspies are not intentionally rude. For me, I can come across as quite rude, I can say offensive things by accident. But then when people look more closely into it. Often times when I say those offensive things, I dont have the expression or tone to make it sound rude. Its like me saying something offensive with a flat nonchalant tone whereas NTs who are being rude deliberatly will raise their tone and make it sound harsh.



Sweetleaf
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Fri May 27, 2011 2:55 pm

League_Girl wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Dark_Lord_2008 wrote:
"I have Asperger's" is no excuse. If a kid says something rude to you, you tell them why it was rude and why they shouldn't do that. If an adult does the same, and you rebuff them, and they just say "I have Asperger's, so I do that," then you tell them to go f**k themselves. If they say "oh, sorry..." then you accept their apology. People with Asperger's can learn social skills and not be a jerk. People can overcome it through effort and practice, so using it to excuse as*hole behavior is bullshit.



For the first time ever, I actually agree with you. It is no excuse to be rude. Just like me having anxiety is no excuse for me to be rude and impatient and to be a jerk. I always feel bad for my behavior when I couldn't help it or when I had a hard time controlling it. I just think I will try harder next time and I do.


One time I offended my aunt with a thank you card and I learned after that to not ever mention cost when you write thank you cards and I have also been told to not ever mention cost when it comes to gifts. I was also told never tell anyone how much you paid for the gift you give them. Do not say cheap frugal or inexpensive, nothing about money. Problem solved, I learned that and I don't see who wouldn't be able to learn that. That is learning a social skill right there. Us aspies keep learning bits of it as we get older and try and make a note of it and remember it.


Well I have always found the whole 'don't ever mention prices when it comes to gifts' a little bit ridiculous. Like if it bothers people I don't. But I swear the horrified look on some of my family members faces when they are wrapping a gift and realise there is a price tag left on the gift would make one think the penalty for exposing how much was spent is death. I really don't understand it.......I mean when I am around people who worry about that then I won't leave the price tag otherwise I don't care.



But now that I know of the rule, it's not my AS anymore, it's just me being rude now. That is what the OP means. Us aspies just don't pick up on these things so we need to be told and once we're told, it is no longer an excuse and we're just rude now.

Sometimes people accidentally leave the price tags on but those things happen. I don't even know if it be a appropriate to tell them they left it on after I receive their gift. After all I was told to not ever mention costs. If I want to be rude, I will tell the person but I will not say it was my AS that made me do it because I full well knew it might be rude to mention that. Even if I think I was trying to be helpful so the person will be careful next time when they wrap up presents, it's still be rude of me.

If I think something is stupid to be considered rude, I am just rude then and not blame it on my AS. Problem solved. I have noticed now that everyone seems to have their own conception of what is rude and what isn't. Like if they don't like what you have said, they say you were rude even though you were not.

Well I don't think leaving the tags on is rude......its a very ridiculous social norm. But that's not the aspergers talking that's just my opinion on it. So if I was in a senerio where I was confronted for leaving the tag on for instance I would not use aspergers as an excuse. But yeah I do see your point......but then things like eye contact I see a bit differently because aspergers is the reason I cannot look people in the eye unless I know them.



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Fri May 27, 2011 3:14 pm

What do you mean? You're crazy. Having AS gives me every right to be rude. I go around being an ass and blame it on my AS all the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. [/sacrasm]


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Last edited by SammichEater on Fri May 27, 2011 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

League_Girl
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Fri May 27, 2011 3:21 pm

SammichEater wrote:
What do you mean? You're crazy. Having AS gives me every right to be rude. I go around being an ass and blame it on my AS all the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.



I hope you're being sarcastic.



SammichEater
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Fri May 27, 2011 3:29 pm

League_Girl wrote:
SammichEater wrote:
What do you mean? You're crazy. Having AS gives me every right to be rude. I go around being an ass and blame it on my AS all the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.



I hope you're being sarcastic.


Yes, I was. I guess I probably should have put that in there.


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wefunction
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Fri May 27, 2011 3:33 pm

League_Girl wrote:
SammichEater wrote:
What do you mean? You're crazy. Having AS gives me every right to be rude. I go around being an ass and blame it on my AS all the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.



I hope you're being sarcastic.


Why is it that I see you continually questioning people on whether or not they're being sarcastic and telling others not to tell jokes about things that aren't true (like the one who posted a radio commercial not everyone knew in the Random section) but you were very defensive when people didn't think your April Fools posts were funny? I see this as a bit of a contradiction. Either you think it's cool to joke around aspies or you don't. Which is it?



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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Fri May 27, 2011 3:35 pm

leejosepho wrote:
My mother used to keep the receipts and keep them handy in case someone later actually needed a receipt and had asked, but then that just led to people giving things away rather than asking for the receipt ... and then my mother felt like a poor gift-giver.

Overall, I think it is best to just give something to someone either with or without the price and receipt and to then just disconnect oneself from any concern about what people do with those things that have just become their own.

That's great advice :)
Either that or gift cards. My family is going in that direction more and more, just buying gift cards for everyone and leaving it at that.
I was exchanging something at Wal Mart and watching the people in front of me who just had a baby shower. They were exchanging so many presents. I thought it would be easier on them just to get money instead of gifts.



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Fri May 27, 2011 3:53 pm

wefunction wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
SammichEater wrote:
What do you mean? You're crazy. Having AS gives me every right to be rude. I go around being an ass and blame it on my AS all the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.



I hope you're being sarcastic.


Why is it that I see you continually questioning people on whether or not they're being sarcastic and telling others not to tell jokes about things that aren't true (like the one who posted a radio commercial not everyone knew in the Random section) but you were very defensive when people didn't think your April Fools posts were funny? I see this as a bit of a contradiction. Either you think it's cool to joke around aspies or you don't. Which is it?



I never told him he couldn't tell that joke. I told him I don't read his posts. So that is why I fell for it. He did ask if anyone listens to the night radio and he did mention how he always posts about wanting a woman or whatever I don't quite remember the details) and he just got mad at me just because I didn't remember him. So which is it for him? Am I dumb or playing dumb? It's people like him why I hate people in general because they seem to attack me for no reason when I did nothing wrong and then think I did stuff on purpose. My online friend just thinks it was a misunderstanding and it's about something small in the past. That is also why I used to get into fights with members in the past attacking them back because they attack me first. Now what do I do about it now? I report them now and I never speak to them again to avoid further conflicts. Problem solved.

But I have noticed since then I have replied to his threads in the past just this year and I just didn't take notice in his name.

And the reason why I was hoping sammich was being sarcastic was because what he said was disturbing so if it was sarcasm, it be a good thing because it meant he doesn't go out and do that. If he did, it be shame on him.



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Fri May 27, 2011 4:06 pm

Absolutely!
I still do social mistakes, but once my mom tries to explain me what i did wrong, i can try to correct myself. When i do it is because i don't know i am doing something socially wrong.
I think using AS or whatever to be rude is stupid and lazy.


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wefunction
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Fri May 27, 2011 4:09 pm

Sorry, League_Girl. I didn't realize there was such a history there. I feel like I pulled back a scab. I didn't mean to. It just struck me as odd... and now I know why. Sorry.

League_Girl wrote:
And the reason why I was hoping sammich was being sarcastic was because what he said was disturbing so if it was sarcasm, it be a good thing because it meant he doesn't go out and do that. If he did, it be shame on him.


I tend to assume the bizarre things are sarcasm. The humor is in going to the extreme.



Seph
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Fri May 27, 2011 4:10 pm

wefunction wrote:
I come bearing hypothetical scenarios, please stay with me.

Scenario A:
Aspie is talking with NT 1 and NT 2. Aspie is making an effort to contribute to the discussion and not say anything too far from expectation or understanding. Unfortunately, NT 1 says something to Aspie that Aspie completely misses and just continues on with the discussion as if NT 1 never said anything at all. Both NT 1 and NT 2 think this is really obnoxious or weird of Aspie, and Aspie is completely unaware that it even happened. If Aspie ever has a chance to explain, Aspie would be able to apologize and explain that sometimes moments in a discussion are completely missed, it's unintentional and please don't ever take offense.

Scenario B:
Aspie is talking with NT 1 and NT 2. Aspie is distracted and not really making an effort to talk to either of these people because they are going off-topic so often and aren't even discussing Aspie's special interest. Aspie insists on bringing up the special interest as much as possible so that the three of them can discuss something interesting. NT 1 and NT 2 are not very happy and form a negative opinion about Aspie. When given the opportunity to explain the behavior, Aspie claimed that Aspergers makes it completely okay to behave this way.

In my opinion, Scenario A is acceptable and Scenario B is not. If I'm understanding the OP's context correctly, Scenario B would be the matching hypothetical for this topic, not Scenario A.


It depends on the level of functioning of the person with Asperger's. To me Scenario B is showing a lower level functioning than Scenario A. As someone who is effectively mute and encouraged to talk more in conversations by my NT coworker counterparts(...back when I was working...), I would probably look more like Scenario B as I participate more. What matters is when the person with Asperger's doesn't care and breaks rules even when s/he knows better. I personally feel that it's inappropriate to make blanket statements about what is and what isn't acceptable without regard to the person's functioning.

The scenario I pictured when I read the OP was with regard to the issue of "white lies."



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Fri May 27, 2011 4:30 pm

I know what it is like. I go to school with students that the teachers favorite. They let them be bad and then say,"He can't help it he has autism." :evil: Really I have autism and I don't get away with stuff like that. :evil:


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Fri May 27, 2011 5:24 pm

For a long time, I insulted people without realizing it and never really understood how once it was pointed out to me. It wasn't until my 30's that I got a handle on it. It was also then that I started pointing out rude comments to other people - not becasue they didn't know they were rude. most rude people do it on purpose after all. But other people rarely call them out on it unless it is a scathingly personal remark. I would nonchalantly just say 'wow, that was rude.' and the that person would either get flustered or go on the offensive and get ruder. Later, the other people in the group would AGAIN tell me I was rude for pointing it out... What? It's ok to call me out on it but not other people?

This one I do not get and probably never will. I'll still call people out on it. I do my best to just be the kind of person that I'd like to have as a friend. I take all these social rules as a suggestion... optional, according to the users needs.



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Fri May 27, 2011 5:31 pm

A lady I used to work with liked to make little handmade Christmas cards for people. It was such a big deal to her that she'd take time out of her work schedule to put these together (as well as working through breaks and lunches and after work). These weren't any Etsy seller handmade card with raised scrapbook paper pieces, either. These were actual pieces of art done on a relatively small scale. When we had our Christmas party and she gave me mine, I said, "This is wonderful! You have a great little talent here!"

I meant it as a compliment because I was really impressed with the detailed work on something so small and precise, but that "little" made it condescending and insulting. And there was no walking it back.

There's a million things I know I could say today to help make it better... but I'd never say, "I have AS, I can't help it."



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Fri May 27, 2011 5:52 pm

draelynn wrote:
For a long time, I insulted people without realizing it and never really understood how once it was pointed out to me. It wasn't until my 30's that I got a handle on it. It was also then that I started pointing out rude comments to other people - not becasue they didn't know they were rude. most rude people do it on purpose after all. But other people rarely call them out on it unless it is a scathingly personal remark. I would nonchalantly just say 'wow, that was rude.' and the that person would either get flustered or go on the offensive and get ruder. Later, the other people in the group would AGAIN tell me I was rude for pointing it out... What? It's ok to call me out on it but not other people?

This one I do not get and probably never will. I'll still call people out on it. I do my best to just be the kind of person that I'd like to have as a friend. I take all these social rules as a suggestion... optional, according to the users needs.



Sometimes I wish people would call me out on my rude behavior but the problem is when they do, I get defensive and never want to speak to them again fearing I might say the wrong thing again and have another conflict.

People are usually not nice about it when they call you out because they assume you did it on purpose. But yet the ones who knows me tells me that is not socially appropriate and that is something you don't say. I like that call out better.


I call people out on their rude behavior if I know them, I wouldn't do it to a stranger or to someone who has a bad temper or who isn't nice to me.

Why do people not like being called out? I dunno but if it was done in a mean way, I can understand but if it was done in a civil way, I don't understand.



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