Cyclothymia is killing me

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I'm having a severe bout of cyclothymia combined with depression. Taking anti-depressants and a mood stabiliser. They aren't working. During the day I swing between feeling like a zombie due to the medication I am taking then when alert I am happy and content with programming my latest software creation then I am in the depths of despair and feeling suicidal.

I am pushing away the people closest to me or they are pushing me away, I can't tell the difference any more. My emotions are all over the place and I don't trust them at all. This is the worst bout of cyclothymia I've had for many years. Last time was nearly fatal with a serious suicide attempt. I have grave doubts I will survive this bout. I am staring into the abyss and it is staring back at me with arms open beckoning me to enter.

Maybe this post should be in the Haven. I don't know. I don't know anything any more. I don't even know if I am asking for help. I don't think any help exists anyway. Don't even know why I'm writing this. Cyclothymia + Aspergers + depression = bad. I don't know how those of you with full blown bipolar cope and survive, especially if you have financial responsibilities.

I really wish I could help.

I only have major unipolar depression with some psychotic features, not cyclothymia or bipolar. I do know what it's like to have that suicidal feeling and just wanting to die. It does pass.

Maybe you should try different medications? If you've tried them all, I don't know what to suggest.

If I believed in prayer, I'd pray for you.

Thank you for the positive post puddingmouse. I'm not like this all the time. It is known as rapid cycling. I can be feeling fine then a few hours later suicidal then a few hours later enjoying doing something. The medication seems to help to a certain extent but it leaves me very drowsy and it feels like my brain is made of cotton wool!

At this moment in time I'm fine. I can't understand how I can plummet so low so quickly. Anyway, now the fog has passed in my brain I'd better do some work.

What's Cyclothymia? I see what it says on the wiki but could I ask about personal experience?

Hang in there TallyMan! I too have both AS + Cyclothymia, it is incredibly tough and complex and I so wish I could maintain stability! However, I am trying to learn to just go with it and know that the hideous lows soon pass to the highs. It's not just a mood/bipolar disorder, for me at least, it is part and parcel of my temperament and I have realized I am never going to be level, it's quite freeing in a way just coming to that realization

For me, most of the time it doesn't cause me any problems, but occasionally (every few years) the mood swings become much more severe and unstable. This is the first time I've taken medication to try to help me because frankly without it I think there is a high probability I would take my own life.

When relatively normal (this lasts for a number of years) in the up phase I'm a positive person, highly creative, quite chatty and friendly and hard working. In the down phase I tend to be negative in outlook and tend to expect the worst to happen, I have little energy to do things even those that I normally enjoy doing. I tend to withdraw from people and am not very talkative and have difficulty thinking of things to even talk about. People don't generally find me to be a moody person, but instead rather laid-back and easy going. Over the years several people have said I'm like Spock on Star Trek, unemotional and logical. This must be the Asperger side of me.

When the swings become more severe, as they are at the moment, in the up phase I have difficulty sleeping because my mind just won't stop or slow down to allow me to sleep. Ideas and thoughts bombard me none-stop. My mind is like a whirlwind. When like this I am extremely creative and can do lots of work or solve very complex problems. It is like the accelerator pedal in my brain is jammed down hard. I tend to talk very quickly and be almost ecstatic with happiness. However, with only the slightest trigger (or no trigger at all) that mood can swing into despair. In the down phase I tend to sleep a lot, be very miserable and have suicidal thoughts. I am unable to think clearly and my emotions are very jumbled. I am unable to relate to people in a coherent manner and tend to read the worst into the slightest thing that happens or that people do. I try to avoid talking to people when this low because I cannot connect with them at all and tend to push people away, so I just wait for the lows to pass, usually secretly, not even telling those closest to me the severity of how low I feel.

Today I'm moderately upbeat and looking forward to doing some programming work.

The most bizarre thing about cyclothymia, for me anyway, (when it goes into big swings) is that when high it is impossible to comprehend why I felt suicidal the day before or will maybe feel suicidal the following day. When in the low state it is impossible to comprehend how I could possibly be so happy and positive the day before or that I might be that high and happy again tomorrow. It is a complete roller coaster of extreme emotions.

However, as I mentioned, the severe bouts only occur every few years. The last time I was this bad was eight years ago and led to a serious suicide attempt. I'm now 51 but suspect that I've suffered from cyclothymia from at least my early twenties. There is some blurring of the lows with depression too, something which tends to be relatively common in people with AS too. My first serious suicidal thoughts occurred when I was in my early teens, but I think they were more related to Aspergers plus clinical depression. I don't remember any rapid cycling in mood back then.

For the most part I think cyclothymia is a positive thing when the swings are relatively small. The boost of energy and creativity make life worth living and enjoyable. The lows don't tend to be that bad, relatively speaking and can be lived with.

I read somewhere that cyclothymia is grossly undiagnosed and is often considered by medical professionals to be a personality trait rather than a disorder - unless the swings start to become severe.

@FaeryEthereal - How do your experiences compare with mine? Are they similar at all? I do have periods when I feel level, like this moment in time, I'm neither low nor high, maybe just slightly on the up phase.

Last edited by TallyMan on 09 Nov 2011, 6:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

When the Cyclothymia is less extreme I've found I can generally live with the highs and lows. I know that in a few hours time or few days I will be feeling level or high again. Cyclothymia is part of my temperament too. In fact I only discovered Cyclothymia a year or so ago after it was suggested to me by someone who also experiences similar tendencies. My doctor has since confirmed this suggestion. It is certainly a complex issue. When the highs are applied to the special interests of Aspergers it can make us highly creative and intuitive in those areas and give us insights that most people are oblivious of.

I just wish the medication didn't make me feel so drowsy. It is also messing with my short term memory. So for example I can put the kettle on to make a cup of tea and a minute later I don't know whether I've put the kettle on or not. The medication seems to break the ability to concentrate on tasks and the ability to maintain coherent thinking. In other words the mental side effects of the medication are quite noticeable.

I understand TallyMan. Am struggling with severe very very rapid cycling myself (as fast as 1 to 3 hours). I could relate to everything you said. So far I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 as I have had full blown diagnosed episodes of major depression in the past, and what we now suspect were episodes of hypomania. This is my first experience of very severe extreme rapid cycling and it's utterly crippling. Not only the emotional extremes, but the severity of the physical symptoms - from seizure type fits when on "fast forward", to being completely catatonic and physically unable to move when in a low.

It is also hard to understand why I was in the other state while I'm one way. It's like being on an out of control rollercoaster and being unable to get off, just barely surviving (eating, breathing, sleeping). I am an invalid living under constant supervision and care by my parents. I can't wait until we get the medication right, because it's got to be better than this.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am free of the type of physical effects you describe. From what I've read cyclothymia can sometimes progress into bipolar with age; but I'm hoping I will be spared such a fate. The biggest external stress I face is financial at the moment. I sell a certain amount of bespoke software to a handful of established customers and some shareware software but am struggling to survive financially. I'm unable to secure full time employment and this adds stress to the situation and I don't qualify for any sort of financial support, so basically I'm barely surviving in abject poverty at the moment. At least the medication is free of charge for me. Finding work in today's economic climate is difficult, especially for a 51 year old in software development. I can't afford to be ill or basically I won't be able to pay the bills. The future looks very bleak at the moment.

Anyway, I'd better get working on my latest software project and hope that I will get some good sales from it.

I hope you find some medication that helps you to level out and hopefully that doesn't leave you feeling drowsy. I don't have much confidence though that medicines have reached a stage where they can resolve the problems without introducing other problems as side effects.

I really hope it gets better. I used to study and do lots of creative activities, but I am in a bad way now and mostly can't even do basic things. At my best I am able to read old children's books. I am managing to hold onto my singing job, which is 2.5 hours a week and a little income. I am on the disability support pension. I would not survive without it.

I just want my old life back, more than anything. I'm just praying that stabilizers will be enough to get me on that path, at least so I am able to achieve some small amount of work/study/creativity during good periods.

It must be very hard for you to have to deal with all that AND support yourself. I couldn't, I would be on the street.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, TM. I don't know how you always manage to sound so reasonable and good-humoured when you have so much to deal with. I really hope things improve for you. Jenny

Thank you Jenny. By nature I am generally easy going and good-humoured. When low I don't tend to post at all rather than inflict negativity on anyone, so this side of me is rarely seen. Creating this thread and effectively "outing myself" is quite out of character for me. However, it feels like a relief being able to openly express these things rather than just keep them to myself. It is clear there are other people on this site with similar issues and it somehow helps to share with them. I don't feel quite so alone, and it helps.

I hope it gets better for you too and that you can get your old life back. It must be terrible to lose the creative 'up' side of this. I didn't realise you were so badly affected by this. At least I still have the 'highs' and can enjoy their creativity.

I'm worried about it all just now, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today to hopefully move a step closer to a diagnosis. I'm convinced sometimes it's just normal teenager hormones, but others keep telling me it isn't. My mood swings are becoming more noticable.

The important thing is you are seeking help and may find some support. Let us know how you get on.

Poor you

remember it gets worse with the season change so try and get some sunlight on your skin and go for walks every day (boosts serotonin) also some food boots serotonin such as bananas, coriander and turkey so try and eat more of that. Cherish yourself and treat yourself kindly.

I know how hard it is, my thoughts are with you.
Grit your teeth and keep up the struggle *big hugs*