Truth about Asperger marriage failure rates?
good question. NTs seem to have desires (#) and expectations for
- interaction generally (Aspies don't get any buzz from this, but rather generally find it very draining hard work, unless it is in a fairly simple mode that they have seen many times before and so can do without major difficulty and draining)
- fun interaction in particular (as above)
- physical affection and contact (can be nice for Aspies but can come with such complex interaction stuff that sometimes feels best avoided).
# they don't need these to stay alive, but NTs who don't get these are unhappier than NTs who do get them. However even in most NT-NT relationships female NTs don't get these.
I am sure my ex husband expected he could, with his infinite brilliance, fix me right up, but that was the furthest thing from happening. I had no idea what I even needed from a relationship prior to my diagnosis, so how could I have made that work? ha! Also I had no idea that I was a poor judge of character and generally attracted manipulative psychos, so yeah. That didn't work out.
You make a very important point. There are lots of other confounding variables, besides the one that you mention in your first paragraph. Relationship failure involves multi-causation at the best of times; given that ASD is not understood beyond stereotypes for most of the population, the credibility of any study is suspect, because the cultural impacts are ignored along with much else; it is naive to translate cultural impacts into personal failures in an unquestioning way, though it happens all the time unfortunately.
Lilla thanks for your lovely post. How do you 'do' your relationship, to make it work? e.g. do you regularly remind yourself that your partner is AS, and adjust your expectations for that?
Lilla thanks for your lovely post. How do you 'do' your relationship, to make it work? e.g. do you regularly remind yourself that your partner is AS, and adjust your expectations for that?
Our relationship just happens. *shrug* We've just found out in the past year or two that he's AS, so for the first several years of our relationship, we made things work because we were both focused on the other and their happiness, so whatever it took to do that is what happened. Once we found out he was Aspie, it did help in many ways because I could learn more and anticipate problems (and avoid them!) instead of having to wait till they were a problem. The way I see it is that everyone has different quirks which affect their relationships, and that when you make a commitment to another person, you're committing to work through those quirks, whatever they are. When I made that commitment to him, I didn't know exactly what those were, but one never does when you make that commitment. The things that I cater to may be different than what someone else caters to, but I don't think they're any more or worse.
For example, last night a friend texted that he'd be in town for Christmas and wondered if I'd be around to get together. I haven't seen him since we bought our house, so I was like "Oh! I should have him come here and he can see the house!", but rather than texting right back and offered, I turned to my partner first to make sure that'd be OK, knowing that for him (and I think this is largely an Aspie trait), having someone in his home could be an invasion of his safety-zone if it's not someone he's comfortable with. I was pretty sure he'd be OK with this guy, cause we're both pretty cool with him, but out of respect I checked with my partner first, who was totally OK with it. Maybe if I was dating an NT guy, it would've been normal enough to have company over that I wouldn't have needed to check first, but I'd like to think I would've asked anyway.
That example might be an NT vs Aspie thing, or it could be an introvert vs extrovert thing, or it could be a one person vs another thing. In my mind, asking first and fixing things is a love and respect thing. If my partner had said "I'd rather not", then I'd have arranged to meet my friend at Wendy's and never thought anything more of it...and it wouldn't have mattered to me if it was because he was Aspie or because of anything else - it's what makes him happy, so it's what makes me happy.
Learning about Aspie things can and does help me understand how he thinks and what I can do to make things better for him, but I don't see it as "Since I have an Aspie boyfriend, I'm stuck with xyz", or anything like that. It just helps me understand things like why he doesn't want light caresses, and why that's not anything against me - so then I can give him big hugs instead and get my need for physical connection without causing him to itch and be uncomfortable. So, things like that I guess you could say adjust my expectations, but not in a negative way. The truth is, in any relationship, you have to adjust your expectations, because your storybook romance and their storybook romance are different, and a real romance is better than a storybook one anyway. My life and my relationship are nothing like what I would've pictured before it started, but I wouldn't trade this for what I'd pictured.
Not sure if I really answered your question or not - maybe I'm just sitting here starry-eyed and being annoying. I'd say I've adjusted my expectations based on my lover, and my expectations have been blown out of the water in the best possible ways. I don't know which of those adjustments were due to AS and which were due to personality etc., and I don't know what adjustments he's made to his expectations about me, but because we love each other more than we loved our pre-conceived notions, it's ended up working perfect. I think the elements that make a relationship work are the same whether AS/NT, NT/NT, or AS/AS - love, respect, and 100% commitment.
P. S. I will add as a side-note, though, that other people's expectations of us as a couple have definitely had to be adjusted due to AS. For example, I started a new job this year and the Christmas party is coming up. The expectation of my NT coworkers was that my boyfriend would attend with me so they could all meet him. However, there's no way I'm going to even ask my AS boyfriend to deal with the stress of trying to impress my coworkers with 30 people packed into a small house having a party. So, my coworker's expectation that I'd bring him had to be adjusted. I did let him know he was invited, in case I was wrong and he'd want to come, but he didn't want to come and I let my coworkers know not to expect him. Our relationship might not be what an NT world expects, but they'll deal with it.
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Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
thanks Lilla very interesting (and heartwarming). I notice in particular
- "it's what makes him happy, so it's what makes me happy." I.e. you're not being selfish.
- you are 'eyes wide open' in a 'reality-adjusted' real world, rather than trying to fit reality to some pre-existing fantasy.
Thanks again. I think you're unusual, and that your partner is a very fortunate guy.
Excellent points. I think those two things - not being selfish and enjoying the relationship you have instead of the fantasy you created years ago - are essential in any relationship, though perhaps the need is magnified in an AS/NT relationship. That's why I think that all Aspies can find love and that it shouldn't be that much different, because an NT that could have a truly good relationship with an NT could have one with an Aspie too. I think the only real difference is that the superficial relationships where everyone acts like it's OK even though it's not don't work as well with Aspies, because Aspies are more honest about what's going on.
I had someone tell me long ago that once you're married (or, I'd add, in a long-term committed relationship), your spouse/partner has to become the golden standard of all people in your mind. It was a guy speaking, so he said, once I marry, I determine that my wife is the perfect height. If I meet a woman who's taller, she's too tall; if I meet a woman who's goofier, she's too goofy; if I meet a woman who's more serious, she's too serious. I think this mentality has somewhat always been with me and is part of why I can love what we have instead of constantly comparing it to others, because no one will measure up on each individual count, but when taken as a whole, you can see how much better yours is than everyone else's.
_________________
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
Truth about why marriages or even relationships fail based on experience and what i see in other couples:
- Failure for one or both to adjust their expectations for their partner and where the relationship could and should go.
- Failure to properly communicate any issues or problems with eachother and inability to compromise
- Less faith is put into relationships now a days which often results in less trust for eachother.
To point out even further, Many people seem to point all the blame on someone's Asperger's diagnosis as well instead of look at what they might be doing to contribute to the problems in the relationship. I call the reason for this relationship failure irresponsibility and immaturity.
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Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
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Yep.
Maybe though truth is that almost always (Lilla an exception!) Aspies will fail to meet the 'intimacy' and communication needs of NTs; so probably Aspies should not marry unless absolutely convinced the NT partner understands what they're getting into.
If they cannot (or don't want to) learn the ways of NTs, they can still find somebody neurodiverse to marry.
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Yep.
Maybe though truth is that almost always (Lilla an exception!) Aspies will fail to meet the 'intimacy' and communication needs of NTs; so probably Aspies should not marry unless absolutely convinced the NT partner understands what they're getting into.
Being brutally honest about what you and your partner need out of each other will definitely help the chances of your marriage working.
It's not sexy to talk these things out, but neither is going through a divorce because you weren't honest with eachother about these things.
actually it can be very sexy to talk about these things; NTs love to feel they are discussing things intimately and deeply and honestly
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Yep.
Maybe though truth is that almost always (Lilla an exception!) Aspies will fail to meet the 'intimacy' and communication needs of NTs; so probably Aspies should not marry unless absolutely convinced the NT partner understands what they're getting into.
Over half all marriages fail and 90% of people are NT. I'm not convinced us Aspies are any worse at relationships that everybody else.
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