Getting the right mindset : The First step

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I note for posterity that when I wrote my replies I was in a negative mood due to various factors including but not limited to

* working in a place that I didn't actually like in general
* having ex-girlfriend-type coworkers in that very place, always there, every (work)day
* generally doing things I didn't actually want to do

I further note that I deliberately placed myself in those very situations because it all seemed like a good idea at the time, and surely, somehow it was, and is, and always will have been.

In conclusion, I concur with the basic truth that being optimistic is good. Sometimes life seems harder than other times where it seems easier. Ultimately, everything is good. Have a good everything.

I feel that many of my Asperger traits were inherited and many more were learned from my dad. I have always looked up to my dad and patterned my behavior after him. He is socially awkward. He has temper tantrums, doesn’t have many friends, has trouble with conversations, doesn’t like crowds of people, etc. I’m sure he is on the spectrum, but he would never admit it. My personality is almost identical to his. If I somehow changed my mindset, he would be disappointed in me.

My dad is also extremely judgmental and has an amazing memory for the slightest human error. He remembers specific instances when someone frowned at him 30 years ago, when someone was discourteous, or when someone said something incorrect. He often brings up these past mistakes of mine and others in conversations. He holds grudges to the grave. I do the same thing. I am just as hard on myself as I am on other people. I’m trapped by dwelling on past mistakes.

I’m not being watched or judged by millions, but I’m being watched and judged by my dad, and he never forgives or forgets. I don’t live with him anymore, but I still visit frequently. It’s hard for me to get into the right mindset when have to deal with my dad.