Grampa dying of cancer, mom unconsolable, me painfully numb

Post Reply New Topic

First I want to thank those of you who were there for me when my mom attempted suicide, your words carry me everyday. I try to come in here once in a while and repay that debt, although I am not all that great at giving advice to those in tough situations other than reminding people to live in the very moment you are in which is my only solace at times.

Onwards,

My Grampa is dying of advanced cancer...it spread to his lungs from some other site and has recently spread to his brain. He swore he was fishing for gators in his living room, got into a big argument with my aunt about it. He was rational up until 3 weeks ago. It is a very fast moving cancer, doctors dont know where it came from but suspect it is a glandular cancer. We recieved word from my aunt, his oldest daughter and primary caretaker, that hospice has been called, they said he will probably pass away within the next week or so. He has been given heavy duty pain pills and liquid xanax to curb the air hunger and help ease him on out. I seen this all before, heard that rattling cough, wheeze, cough that sends chills into your core. My father died of lung disease from being a military fire fighter and lifetime smoker. Its like a bad dream to be going through this again...meaning witnessing a loved one slowly drown in their own fluid...fighting in vain to stay afloat.

I was never really that close to my Grandfather because my mom married when I was 7 to a military man who became the man I call father. Well as you probably guessed, we moved alot, far away from my hometown of Enid, Oklahoma. We went home to visit about 7-9 times since I was a child and I am now 35. Also I have a severe hearing loss, and depend alot on lipreading, and my Grandfather chewed on a cigar, never smoked it, just chewed one of those big stogie cigars and talked around it while it is in his mouth. Needless to say, I never understood a d@mn word he ever have to say. I only heard what he said though other people retelling stories of his many adventures through life as a short bald impish Irishman.

Anyway, the doctor did not catch the cancer in time because he ignored my Grandfather when he first said that he was having trouble breathing in November...there were 3-4 appointments to the doctor, and he just gave him some steriod pills and sent him on his way. My Grandfather begged him not to feed him pills and string him along...he wanted to know what was wrong and to get better. No chest x-ray was done until in March when his lung colasped and had to be rushed to the ER. Finally a chest xray was done, they found a large tumor and alot of fluid in his right lung. Soon after a biopsy was done which took 3 weeks to get back...it was cancer, not only just cancer, but a very fast growing and hard to treat cancer. It came from somewhere else in the body, but the lung doctor saw no need to find the origional tumor which I highly disagree with because IMHO if you knew exactly where it came from, you could treat it better. He went through radiation and chemo, but the radiation burnt his throat badly and he could not eat, so his health whirlpooled down the drain and finally he gave up the treatments and the cancer resumed its steady march to his grave.
I really dont think the doctors even tried from the beginning because he is 84 years old and only on medicare which doesnt pay enough to save a life I guess.

Well my mom who has had a very conficted relationship with my Grandfather, her father, for most of her life because he just ignored her presence on earth as she was growing up and the woman he married, when she was 5, was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to my mother. My Grandfather worked overtime to avoid seeing the bruises, cuts and welts on his daughter....he chose his "soulmate" over his child. My aunt was the favored child...the dynamic still plays out well into their 50's. My mom spent her whole adulthood trying to please emotionally unavailible and extremely abusive men. I called it, "looking for daddy". I have 2 fathers, both of them were very abusive to me as well. I sought solace in spirituality, God is my father. I never really considered the two men who raised me to be my true father because no father would treat their child like that. Anyway, there is a point to this rambling post which is coming soon but I had to lay down the history first.

So my mother has been on the outer edge of sanity for 2 years now weaving on the line between insanity and being terrified. She has been stalked for almost 7 years now by something my father put in motion while he was the director of mortuary affairs for the air force reserve. He had a high security clearance, had buddies in intelegence, and was jilted because she had an affair that lasted 10 years after he told her that he wanted out of the marriage but was staying in it for the kids (referring to my sister and brother as he did not have much use for me because I would not play into his games). It seems that once he put it in motion, he couldnt stop it even when he tried to. He admitted having a part to do with it on his death bed.
My mom attempted sucide last year and it was very traumatic for me, some people here really said some things that I carry with me everyday and help keep me moving...thank you.
Well after the news of the stage 4 cancer, my mother has been screaming nearly non stop since march. She believes that the doctors did not try with Grampa because they were convinced by the stalkers not to treat him. I honestly dont know if this is true or not. I know the stalking is real...I have seen it over the years in ways that even the greatest sceptic could not deny if they seen what I have. I dont know if they had anything to do with the neglectful treatment my Grandfather received until it was too late.
Eitherway, my mother blames herself for my Grampa dying because she feels that if she had killed herself that would have lived and that she is selfish for wanting to live.

I on the other hand am in a state of constant overstimulation from her screaming non stop that I havent had a chance to even know how I feel about all this. I feel painfully numb...like a soul-ache thats like a low grade headache in the center of my being that is constantly knawing at me...other than that, I feel no sorrow, no grief, just a deep chronic ache that just eats at me.
Sometimes, I think it would be merciful if I just let her kill herself, but I cant do that because I cant have that on my conscience and I worry about her spirit if she kills herself. I dont believe in eternal hell, but reincarnation...however I believe that those who kill themselves exit their lives in a way that is unnatural (kinda like cheating) and they are doomed to repeat their life again but harder the next life.

I dont get much time alone which is killing me slowly because I am an introvert.
Well I have to continue this soon speaking of her, she needs my attention.

Jojo

Wow... You and your family have been through hell, and I'm very sorry. You are a much stronger person than I am, that's what I have to say about that.

At least your grandpa won't be suffering anymore when he finally goes. Not quite sure what to say about your mom, other than the fact that her anguish is also temporary, because one day she too will pass on and be at peace. You are right not to let her commit suicide though, because that is indeed a spiritually dangerous thing to do. I hate to be the one to suggest this, but if your mom is this inconsolable over this situation, then maybe it would be best if she were... uh... institutionalized. It sounds like she is a very vulnerable person right now, and her psychological struggles may be beyond the help of her family.

God bless you, stay strong, and I will pray for you.

i'm sorry about the extremely difficult situation you are in now. sounds like you're keeping your head. your mom's feelings of guilt are not that unusual for someone facing the loss of a loved one. feelings of guilt, however, in these circumstances, rarely are realistic. try to reassure her it's actually not her fault and if you can't convince her, perhaps a grief support group or a professional counselor might be able to help her.

thank you for the kind words. I am tough, but a hard life has made me resilient...its a sink or swim thing. She has been in a mental hospital 3 times and each time she is worse than when she went in, and I am left to deal with her alone when she gets out. My sister and brother are of no help...my brother works alot and my sister lives 2000 miles away and works alot. Institutionalization doesnt work....its is impossible to get better when you are surrounded by people crazier than you.


cathylnn- I will see if I can get a grief counselor to talk to her...my Grampa has hospice and they have grief counselors.

What should I do about getting some time alone, she is really clingy and I need my space for my sanity.....she starts calling for me when I walk out of the room...if I ignore her, she starts crying uncontrolably....

Jojo

i would, as gently as possible, explain to her that you need an hour (?) awake and alone each day. can you go to the library for your quiet time? tell her you want to support her, but that you must be well to do that and that takes alone time. tell her it would be good for both of you in the long run.

Thank you, I will try that.

Jojo

Stay strong,but you need some time for yourself so you can be there for her.Is there any kind of adult services where someone could watch her and let you have a break?

Not really, we are in an under-served area. I am talking with her about moving back to Oklahoma where my family lives so maybe I can get more support there.

Well my Grampa died yesterday. Mom has been taking it better than expected...she said that most of her crying about him has been his suffering. She had a beautiful spiritual experience with him before she knew that he died. She said she felt his spirit in the room and it was like he was when she was a little girl. She finally got closure from that experience.
My mom is upset that she cant go to the funeral because she is too ill to travel and cant fly because of her rare hemological disease which the barametic presure changes during flying cause serious problems.
I am going to talk to my uncle about videotaping the memorial service which they will spread his ashes on the golf course. He was a lifetime golf player and will have a tournament named after him. He is also in the state bowling hall of fame.

My sympathies to your family, I hope things work out for you and your mom. We do need more programs to help people in times of crisis.I lost my closest friend to lung cancer two years ago and the worst was watching him go from a vibrant alive being to a husk.I asked him if he was afraid and he said "No,because this isn't living".He was the bravest and most honest person I've ever known.

It sounds like your mom needs psychiatric help again and you sound like you will need to see a counselor for this sometime. I wish there was some magic answer for people with cancer that aren't mentally competent anymore, but there isn't. I've checked. There isn't much you can do but take care of yourself, and take care of your mom secondary. I don't know what to say about the stalkers because I've never heard of anything like that before except to check up on people that actively have an extremely high security clearance- not the families of someone with a clearance who has since died. Do you have witnesses? If so, can you gather evidence and try to have the police catch them in the act?

Sorry about your friend. Cancer does that to people. I have found that no one is immune; even the healthiest people can be hit with it hard.
I watched a PBS show about cancer and this one person really stuck with me. He was a very active person, an extreeme sportsman and he ate a healthy organic/all natural diet and drank only water. He was also a construction worker. One day they were dismantling an old house to rebuld it elsewhere, and he got into asbestos and got it all over him. A few years later, he developed mesothelioma and no treatment worked on it. He said something interesting, " I feel like I am letting my loved ones down because I am dying. You hear all the time that you have to fight cancer, fight the good fight, but for me, I dont have a choice. I am dying and there is nothing I can do about it."

My Grandfather was the same way. He has been an athlete all his life, was a health food nut before it was fashionable and drank only water. When he got cancer, he was teaching golf to 9th graders at 84 years old. His team went won state once, regional several times. My Grandmother died 7 years ago (they were married for over 50 years and adored each other)...and he has not been the same since. The last 3 days of his life he kept calling for Gramma, I know he missed her.

But your right there are not enough services for those in crisis. I know mental hospitals dont work...one cant get better being surrounded by people crazier than oneself, but what is really needed is a program they used to have in Georgia until it lost all funding called Family connection. It was an in home crisis intervention team that came to the house and worked with the patient in their home enviroment and worked with the family to break down dysfunction that gets in the way of healing. Their philosophy was to heal the individual, you have to heal the family also, healing doesnt happen in a vacuum.

It seems that the programs that really work are the ones that get cut first...then we are left with the ones that are more dysfunctional than those they serve.

Jojo

Thank you for your support. I am glad we can agree to peacefully disagree on politics cuz I really do admire you.
Well the way the stalking thing goes is once a person's information is entered into the database and the stalking begins, it is out of the person's hands that put them there to begin with. My dad had an act of conscience after all that was done to my mom and she still took care of him as he was dying of lung disease, copd, chronic emphasemia (sp) and asthma. He tried to back out and make the stalking stop, but he couldnt...they turned on him and shortly afterwards, somehow a strong strain of MRSA was found in his breathing equiptment and he developed MRSA of the lungs. Much lung tissue was badly damaged and he died a month later.
But during this time, he confessed his part in this to me. Also friends that have turned on me in a really bad way told me that they had no choice because their loved ones were threatened, and some of my mom's doctors, when I was present, told her that they were threatened and one doctor told her that her medical care has been blocked to the highest level in government. We have been collecting evidence, but no police officer will take it.
The one officer that did help us when our storage unit was robbed was killed 2 months later.

I really dont know what to do with her cause she is not totally nuts, she is just terrified. She has been in 2 mental hospitals and both times she is in much worse shape than she went in. She did not start the non stop screaming until she got out of the 2nd mental hospital. I try to get her talk about what happened there and she wont talk about it. It must have been bad.
I have been hospitalized as a teen and it is really crazy. While I was there, being an aspie I said something stupid to some girl from the projects and she really wanted to kill me. I told the staff about her threats against me and they just said, "Ohh my, thats rough". I was in constant fear for my life. Well finally I faked a seizure one morning, since I have epilepsy, they could not just tell my parents that I was faking it. My parents pulled me out of there. Later, I confessed to my parents that I faked it to get out, but they did not believe me.

Anyway, what I really need with my mom is someone to help her here at home...someone I can trust, which is hard when even good friends can turn on me or her if their loved ones are threatened. I could put a wanted ad for nurse that has no family and friends, but I doubt I would get any replies.

I am writing a book...it will probably be put in the fiction section. People dont believe me until they spend time with me and they see it for themselves.

All I really want is a simple life...this all too much drama for me.

Jojo

if it weren't for my sustaining belief in the summerlands, i just couldn't cope.

Mindfulness keeps me sane....that and a hope for a better life next time around.