Help! Special education teacher may have overstepped!

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My son Isaac is 9yrs old and was diagnosed with “mild autism” possibly Asperger, but more towards Asperger. He is such a good kid with a big heart and I'm not just saying that because he is my kid:) Isaac is a bright kid whose main issue would have to be focusing at the task at hand at school.

We were going over his spelling words and he did so well I told him what a lucky mom I am to have such a smart kid. He then tells me his special education teacher said that “in some people two parts of their brain don’t connect like they should and that is why he needs to practice because he is one of those people”.

I decided long ago that I would not tell him about his diagnosis or explain anything about it unless he asked or if a situation came along where it would be necessary to explain. I am the parent and it is my decision. He’s come along soooo far since he has started school and it’s a possibility where he may not need services way in the future. I’m not sure how to handle this situation, to be honest it really pissed me off! I had to explain to him that it doesn’t have to do so much with your brain but they way you learn. I don’t want him to develop a complex thinking something is wrong with his brain and because he is a bright kid I don’t want him to think he could use it as a crutch. I don’t know if I should talk to her directly or just bypass her and go straight in for the kill and talk to someone higher up. She is new to the school and it’s her first year with him but she’s been doing this for years elsewhere. I would really appreciate some advice because I’m not sure what to do next.

In this instance I think you should ask to meet with the teacher and the head teacher or whoever the most appropriate senior teacher/line manager would be so that you have a fuller idea of why the teacher made this comment and what prompted it. You can explain to them your decision not to disclose your son's diagnosis to him, and how that can be respected and also their thoughts on that.

Does your son not wonder why he has a special education teacher?

My son was assessed and diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 7 years, and I decided early in that process that I would tell him of his diagnosis. My son has found it helpful to know more about himself and said that he knew he was "weird" and it was a relief to know why.

A number of adults on this site were not told of their diagnosis until they were in their late teens or older, and from what I've seen here they would rather have been told much sooner, ideally when their parents knew.

I would first say give yourself at minimum 24 hours to chill and collect your thoughts. If it were me, I would talk with the teacher and be as non confrontational as possible so that you can access what prompted her to say that. I think it is important to keep in mind that I don't think she meant to harm or upset your son or you.

Please do not take this the wrong way but if you get emotional with her she will become defensive and emotional. If that occurs nothing contructive for your son will be accomplished at that point.

Just my thoughts- Hope it all works out for the best.

Marcia, it was something that I have thought about. He says that sometimes he needs extra help and thats why he has a teacher who helps him a couple hours a week. I think Ill look into it more. He has never asked really asked why but when he does I wont hide the truth from him. I think my concern comes from her way of explaining it. I also believe it was not meant in a harmful way just in my eyes a bit irresponsible wording especially coming from a special education teacher.

Nogyro, I totally agree! going in emotionally would not help anyone. (thats why I decided to sound off here) i think ill go to the school psychologist first and get her input as to how to handle it and who to talk to.

Thanks for the advice!

Well that is not even an accurate description of AS, it has nothing to do with two specific parts not connecting, that honestly sounds more like how you would describe someones brain after they have a lobotomy...So that certainly was not an accurate way for her to describe it. However if he does in fact have AS I am of the opinion it would be best not to keep him from knowing about the diagnoses. AS can interfere with certain things but if someone doesn't know there is any reason why they struggle with certain things they might blame it on them self and then push them self to hard not to disappointing anyone. Being 'intelligent' does not necessarily make up for all the difficulties AS might cause.

I know I grew up thinking 'what is wrong with me' and attributed it to me just not being good enough for anyone at all. I mean he might wonder why he is getting the 'support' services. Its best to be honest about these things I mean I would be pretty angry with my mother if I found out she was hiding a diagnoses from me for years while I was beating myself up for not being good enough.

The teacher might have overstepped a little, but it's also possible he/she was trying to reassure your child.

I personally think that you making a mistake by not telling him. He probally has an idea, and maybe if he's aware of his condition, he can adapt better. I don't know that your helping him by keeping it a secret.

[Moved from School and College Life to Parents' Discussion]

Did you previously direct school personnel not to tell him about his diagnosis? If so, then she really screwed up, if not, you need to make your desires clear. As another poster mentioned, I doubt that the teacher brought this up on her own accord. He certainly recognizes that he does different things than some of his classmates and he will have questions about that, any kid would. You will not be the only person he asks questions of. If you don't want the school personnel making up their own answers to these questions, you need to give them a script to follow.

I know you didn't come here looking for advice as to whether or not to tell your son about his Dx however I wanted to share with you the fact that this subject is one that we have discussed often on this forum and I urge you to consider reading some of the threads on this topic. There is a stickie at the top of the page called the Parenting Index

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt166142.html

and about 1/2 way down the first page is a list of threads on this topic. Stories from some adult Aspies whose parents actively hid their diagnoses from them were very moving to me. Also stories from those that were informed, and far from thinking that something was "wrong" with them or using their diagnosis as a crutch, these folks have used the knowledge of their condition as a way to make good decisions about their lives and how to cope.

It's probably unlikely that at age 9 he is completely insulated from knowing that he is different from others. I agree with others and urge you to reconsider telling him. If he feels that it is a "secret" he might interpret that as something really IS wrong with him. But I do understand you not wanting him to use it as a crutch or an excuse...so I also encourage you to view the thread mentioned above.

As far as what the teacher said, I doubt she was malicious in her statement and probably meant to normalize his situation, not accentuate a difference. While it is factually incorrect she might have just been saying how everyone's brain is different and some people think and interpret things differently.

Sooo... interesting to note... a couple of days ago on the reddit aspergers forum there was a special education teacher teaching a child who didn't know they had aspergers but the teacher thought they should know and wanted to tell the kid. Din't KNOW but sort of figured the parents weren't telling the kid for whatever reason and said that the kid kept saying things during their lessons indicating that he knew he was diferent etc, but didn't know why etc... A vast majority of the responses advised the teacher not to tell and to leave it to the parents, but that the teacher should discuss it with the parents. I doubt it is the same child/tacher, however it might be worth looking up that thread as it might give you insight into why the teacher did this. www.reddit.com/r/aspergers
Can't remember the thread title, just know I saw it there within, probably , the past two weeks or so...

Marcia, when did you tell your child? My son is 6 and he knows he needs help controlling his body (sensory stuff) and he's overheard me talking about Asperger's and asked what it is, but I haven't said to him, "Hey, you know you have asperger's." I think I'm waiting for a moment when I can explain to him why he is experiencing something different... Despite the fact that socially that happens all the time, I haven't found the best time to just tell him.

I did explain to him that Asperger's was just a name to describe people who think differently than other people.... that's all I could come up with.

I have many varied feelings on this. From the very beginning, I was in the "tell your kid camp." Without a doubt.

But for some reason, I have had a harder time figuring out the right way to do that.

But that's not really true, either. Both kids know they see a neurologist and both kids know they are different. They both know that their brains work differently than most other people's and that it makes some things harder for them and some things easier. But, luckily when our neurologist first broached the subject with my son, he was very sure to clearly state that my son is actually more intelligent than your average kid. It most definitely is NOT that he is "stupid." It is just that his brain processes information differently.

Another thought that came to my mind is that your son is old enough that he might want to "hide" that he is "different" from you, whereas he might feel more comfortable asking his teacher. I know that my son was 100% absolutely aware of his differentness by the age of 9. For him, the realization came in his 7's. I think that what the teacher tried to do is to give a reassuring explanation without stating an actual diagnosis (which is what I have been doing). I don't know that I would have used the actual "explanation" that she used, because as Sweetleaf said, AS has nothing to do with what she said, but I think the gist of her attempt was that his brain works differently. There is no shame in this. Geniuses brains work differently. It's a simple fact. So, I think if I were in your shoes, I would probably reconsider feeling angry about it. She probably did the best she could in the situation.

I have also shared your concern of my kids using it as a crutch in the past. My daughter (almost 7) remains blissfully unaware of her differences and she doesn't even realize she struggles. She externalizes all of her social issues and they become the fault of everyone around her. So she has not used it as a crutch....yet! My son made very feeble attempts at it a few times, but I simply don't allow it. "But, MOM! My BRAIN doesn't work right!" Me: "No, no one ever said your brain doesn't work right. We said your brain works differently. Now lets figure out how to do this."

But the truth is, at some point your son will probably need to know that sometimes "it" really isn't his fault. It's not a crutch but a valid explanation. My son's handwriting stinks. I can still hardly read it and he is almost 11. But he understands that there is no amount of trying that is going to fix this. It is just a part of his wiring. He is also woefully disorganized. He needs to understand that this is not because he is lazy or unmotivated. It is because the part of the brain that makes organization easy for some people happens to be the part of his brain that is different. So, we have to try different things to help him be more organized and he has to think about it more than other kids. But if he didn't know this about himself, I am sure he would have the self-esteem of a slug by now because most people do not understand that he is severely limited in this area. Especially because he is bright. They assume that because he is bright, his organization issues must be the result of lack of effort or carelessness on his part. People seem to have a very hard time understanding that "bright" and "impaired" can apply to the very same person. His "very best" may only ever approach the low end of average functioning in this area. So if he wants to use his wiring as a "crutch" to explain it, well...that's all right by me. It is better than him thinking he is not trying hard enough. He's trying harder than most people...his results still just fall short. Another example is simple things like for most kids, it is "automatic" to greet people you know and smile at them. This is not an automatic response for him. His automatic response is a flat affect as if he does not even see the person. He understands that his "natural" response to seeing someone he knows makes other people feel bad, and so he is working really hard at smiling at kids he knows and saying hello, or at least responding when they say hello. For as much as some people like to say that he shouldn't be "forced" to conform to social norms, this is doing wonders for him. He feels more connected. He feels like he actually has friends. And the other kids respond more positively to him. If he was unaware that he had this issue and that it was the result of the way his brain works, how would he even have the power to do anything to change it? He wouldn't. He'd just walk around thinking people don't like him, and they'd walk around thinking he didn't like them.

<Sigh> None of this is easy. You said that you want to tell him "when something made it necessary to explain." Maybe the fact that he is 9 is that "something." Soon you are going to be hitting the preteen years, middle school, and puberty. I would think waiting until then would be very unwise. Perhaps you don't need to give him the label, just a better explanation about what the teacher said. Maybe starting out with "I want to talk to you about what your teacher said about the two parts of your brain. While I am sure she was trying to explain things to you in a way that you would understand, that isn't quite accurate. Actually, the truth is that your brain does process information differently than most people. This makes some things (list a few) much easier for you than for other people. But it also makes some things (list a few) more difficult for you. This does not have anything to do with how smart you are, because you are definitely smart. It just has to do with how your brain works. Some people say it is the way your brain is 'wired.'" Then let him ask questions. He might be relieved to know that 1) the things he has always felt about himself are not wrong--he is different, and 2) that you know about it, accept it, and love him just the same. You are not disappointed in the least and very proud of the kid he is, wacky wiring and all!

I have repeatedly told my son that if I could choose "him" wired the way he is, or "him" wired a different way, I'd choose the way he is hands down. Yes, he struggles, but the things that I find achingly beautiful about him--the parts that I would never ever give up--are also because of his wiring. I think he is a better person because of the way he is wired. And I don't just tell him this. I really mean it. He knows I believe this with all that I have, and I do think it helps give him solace during those times that are tough.

Now I'm just rambling, as I sometimes do. Let us know how things go and I wish you luck.