Constantly make people mad without intending to



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impulse343
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31 Oct 2012, 6:08 pm

Does anybody else constantly make other people very mad without intending to do so? This happens very often to me - not only in real life, but online as well - I keep getting banned and blacklisted, without knowing what I did wrong.



antifeministfrills
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31 Oct 2012, 6:11 pm

impulse343 wrote:
Does anybody else constantly make other people very mad without intending to do so? This happens very often to me - not only in real life, but online as well - I keep getting banned and blacklisted, without knowing what I did wrong.


you need to ask people what you're doing wrong. someone will be willing to give you constructive criticism.



Jaden
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31 Oct 2012, 7:09 pm

antifeministfrills wrote:
impulse343 wrote:
Does anybody else constantly make other people very mad without intending to do so? This happens very often to me - not only in real life, but online as well - I keep getting banned and blacklisted, without knowing what I did wrong.


you need to ask people what you're doing wrong. someone will be willing to give you constructive criticism.


Honestly, I've tried this approach and no-one has ever willingly given "constructive" criticism, instead they result to insulting me and calling me "evil" because I am able to get angry at them, and "emo" because I have emotions that I can't deal with (seeing as how I've always ignored emotion until this last year).

In my experience dealing with other people, I've noted that people are offended easily and when they feel offended they proceed to do one of two things: 1) Cut off all contact with said person who supposedly "offended" them, or 2) Respond with insult and casually make the whole incident that follows your fault, even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with, and their insults that kept it going.

Needless to say, I run into this 9 times out of 10 and I don't have much respect for anyone new that I meet anymore because I know they'll end up doing the same thing.


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31 Oct 2012, 7:14 pm

You are asking for honest feedback, so I will give you some. I think that the crux of your issues might be portrayed in your following statement:

Quote:
I've noted that people are offended easily and when they feel offended they proceed to do one of two things: 1) Cut off all contact with said person who supposedly "offended" them, or 2) Respond with insult and casually make the whole incident that follows your fault, even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with, and their insults that kept it going.


You don't get to determine what "offends" other people. Each of us, as individuals, determines what we find offensive. When you offend someone, turning it around to blame the offense on them "even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with" will almost always result in others becoming angry with you.

When you find you have offended someone, the safest response is an apology--without an attached litany of excuses and explanations, then tuck the fact that they are offended by whatever it was into your memory banks and try not to repeat the offense in the future.

There is your honest feedback. Take from it what you will.


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31 Oct 2012, 8:06 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
You don't get to determine what "offends" other people. Each of us, as individuals, determines what we find offensive. When you offend someone, turning it around to blame the offense on them "even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with" will almost always result in others becoming angry with you.


This is a perfect example of why social interaction is illogical and ultimately futile.



Jaden
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31 Oct 2012, 10:35 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
You are asking for honest feedback, so I will give you some. I think that the crux of your issues might be portrayed in your following statement:

Quote:
I've noted that people are offended easily and when they feel offended they proceed to do one of two things: 1) Cut off all contact with said person who supposedly "offended" them, or 2) Respond with insult and casually make the whole incident that follows your fault, even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with, and their insults that kept it going.


You don't get to determine what "offends" other people. Each of us, as individuals, determines what we find offensive. When you offend someone, turning it around to blame the offense on them "even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with" will almost always result in others becoming angry with you.

When you find you have offended someone, the safest response is an apology--without an attached litany of excuses and explanations, then tuck the fact that they are offended by whatever it was into your memory banks and try not to repeat the offense in the future.

There is your honest feedback. Take from it what you will.


I never said I determined what offends them, I said that they were simply easily offended. It doesn't matter what it is that offends them, whether it's something regarding me or not, it's their problem, not mine.

Just like if I were to take offense at your statement, that would be my problem, not yours. So if that were the case (if I were offended), the safest way would be for you to apologize to me for taking it the wrong way? Even though you may not have intended offense and had no part in determining what I saw as offensive? Do you see why that's illogical?

Basically, using that logic, you want people to apologize to you because you took something the wrong way. It's not their fault you took offense at something they said and it's not their responsibility to correct your problem. Just like if I had taken offense at your frank opinion, that's my problem and you shouldn't have to apologize for it.


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Jaden
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31 Oct 2012, 10:42 pm

Dillogic wrote:
InThisTogether wrote:
You don't get to determine what "offends" other people. Each of us, as individuals, determines what we find offensive. When you offend someone, turning it around to blame the offense on them "even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with" will almost always result in others becoming angry with you.


This is a perfect example of why social interaction is illogical and ultimately futile.


I couldn't agree more actually because basically they're saying that because they find something offensive (could be anything, even something stupid) that the other person should apologize. The reality is no-one need apologize because someone is taking issue with something, if we all followed that rule, then everyone would have to apologize for every little thing because like I said, people are easily offended. I think when it comes down to it, as far as most things, people just need to grow the f*** up and forget about whatever "offended" them because dwelling on it will only cause problems and that is why there are arguements about it. Yes, one may say "that offends me" but that doesn't change that it's that person's problem. Nobody should ever have to apologize for stating their views because it may "offend" someone, that to me, is the ultimate form of social control, where people use that as an excuse to block someone else and their views/opinions/etc.

Having said that, there are some things yes, that deserve an apology. But those are not always the occurence.


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EstherJ
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31 Oct 2012, 10:45 pm

Jaden wrote:
InThisTogether wrote:
You are asking for honest feedback, so I will give you some. I think that the crux of your issues might be portrayed in your following statement:

Quote:
I've noted that people are offended easily and when they feel offended they proceed to do one of two things: 1) Cut off all contact with said person who supposedly "offended" them, or 2) Respond with insult and casually make the whole incident that follows your fault, even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with, and their insults that kept it going.


You don't get to determine what "offends" other people. Each of us, as individuals, determines what we find offensive. When you offend someone, turning it around to blame the offense on them "even though it was their misunderstanding to begin with" will almost always result in others becoming angry with you.

When you find you have offended someone, the safest response is an apology--without an attached litany of excuses and explanations, then tuck the fact that they are offended by whatever it was into your memory banks and try not to repeat the offense in the future.

There is your honest feedback. Take from it what you will.



Basically, using that logic, you want people to apologize to you because you took something the wrong way.


Actually, yes. People want an apology from someone else because they themselves took it wrong. It's VERY illogical, but that's social interaction for you.
Basically, it's the responsibility of the offender (whether justly or not) to apologize for someone else's misperception. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. Otherwise, that person will sit in the corner and sulk and cry (figuratively) because it hurts their pride that they weren't made to "feel better."

I learned this the butt-kick hard way, and have a few posts in the members section to prove it. I'm still reeling from it. And I lost a friend in the middle of it. All because THEY misunderstood my autism. But, dear, it's my fault that they misunderstood. Is that logically (and morally) wrong? Yes. Is it going to change the social rules? No.

And, it's BEYOND me why someone wouldn't accept an explanation for an apology.

WHY? To me, an apology and an explanation are just what an offense needs. It is a soothing reason why a human mistake occurred. It gives order to the chaos and sets things straight. But NO, no, we have to "feel" better.

Explanations and an apology aren't good enough? What do they want? Candy?



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31 Oct 2012, 10:48 pm

I tend to make lots of people mad.

The Republicans think I'm a Democrat and the Democrats think I'm a Republican. In reality, I'm an Independent who doesn't think much of Democrats or Republicans.

And the Global Warmers think I'm a denier and the deniers think I'm a Global Warmer. In reality, I'm in favor of Global Warming -- we need it: the scary thing about Global Warming is not that it might be happening, but that it might not be happening.

I think for myself instead of letting others tell me what to think and that always makes those who cannot think for themselves furious.



EstherJ
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31 Oct 2012, 10:48 pm

Notice that excuses and insincerity will never make any peace out of any conflict.



Jaden
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31 Oct 2012, 11:06 pm

EstherJ wrote:
Notice that excuses and insincerity will never make any peace out of any conflict.


Agreed (to your previous post as well)


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31 Oct 2012, 11:34 pm

Most of my problems seem to happen online because that is where I interact and talk to people but in real life, I am quiet and kept to myself so there is no way I can piss someone off. But I did piss them off when I was in school because there was interaction and now I just withdraw.

Only way to not offend someone is to not talk at all and be quiet and shy and withdrawn.


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01 Nov 2012, 3:48 am

I get this in both real life and online. Luckily only once or twice on WP (a long time ago as well!) but that's when I try to debate on a subject which is in reality, completely beyond me! In real life I often say things which make people really angry. I try asking what it is I have done wrong and they yell 'YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID'. Scary thing is these people are supposed to be MY CARERS!! ! My response is that I blatently don't know what I have done wrong and they then accuse me of being manipulative or something and I end up smashing my head off the floor out of frustration... Another time online was on a general disability website. The physically disabled on those (not all I hasten to add) seem to loathe anyone with a hidden disability! Again I commented on something political but I obviuosly didn't understand what I was talking about (as another poster pointed out) and one person in particular took great offense to me especially when I asked for an explanation for why I had upset him. It's so frustrating!


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Si_82
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01 Nov 2012, 4:41 am

When I was trying to fit in by taking park in some office banter among colleagues I thought I got on with and could relax with a little. I attempted to make some comment about one of the guys there looking younger than he was (seemed a safe topic as others had mentioned it in a similar way of jest to him earlier). This was a couple of years back and to this day I do not fully understand what happened but the whole group turned against me and the guy in question told me I was 'on thin ice already' and threatened to raise a formal complaint against me.

I tend to just keep myself to myself mostly now. Much safer.


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01 Nov 2012, 5:07 am

I think this is just the most obvious sign of Asperger's from an outsider's point of view -- offending people without meaning to (not being able to predict and avoid saying or doing what will offend people) and then not knowing how to recover or make peace. Regardless of how it feels, it is 99.9999999% of the time in your interest to recover and make peace. If you can't see that, then take it on faith because it is REALITY whether you can see it or not.

There is an American cliche for describing someone with exceptionally good social skills: "He could tell you to go to hell and make you look forward to the trip."

I could no more hit in that league than I could fly.

All that said, there are lots of social spaces in this world that are bullying or hypercritical sub-cultures. Ask others if they find the environment you are in hypercritical, or dominated by bullying. You may find that many of the NT's think the social atmosphere stinks, too.


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