I'm so frustrated with dating



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Meghan2012
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Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:32 pm

I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science. I'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines. Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?



queen_of_grenyarnia
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Wed Nov 07, 2012 1:59 pm

Hey Meghan,

I know what you mean, I've been dealing with this for over 25 years (I'm 43) now. The first thing I thought of when I read your post was: "Why is she dating?" Are you looking for a husband? Or just because everyone does it? Your parents expect you to? It took me till 38 to find out that I really love living alone (until then I had experienced pretty much everything from "from dusk till dawn"-relationships to a live-in boyfriend and an engagement). You don't have to answer those questions to anyone but you might find it helpful to answer them for yourself. Very, very honestly.

Next question would be: what kind of guy are you looking for? I have the same social issues you have and I am an academic with a "nerdy girl" appearance (the upside of Aspergers: we don't age like NT-women :wink: ). I would never be interested in a "family guy" because I don't even like my own family and children annoy me. I hate parties as well so what would I do with a man who has to go out a lot to feel good? If he does, that's completely ok, it just doesn't fit. Do you want someone who challenges you, e.g. makes you go out more? Or someone who accepts you the way you are? Those are big differences and you have to find the answers in yourself before you go out there. When someone tries to change me ("wait till you're at the party, maybe you'll like it!") that's an immediate dealbreaker. I am old enough to know I won't like it. That has to be accepted. Would you be o.k. with him going out alone? Or would he have to stay in with you?

I don't date anymore because I consider it statistically unreasonable but I'd still like to accidentally meet the nerdy guy who'd actually LIKE to be with a very smart, weird woman who wants a light saber for christmas. Without complaining to his relatives that she's crazy and inappropriate. But I tell you quite honestly: that's not very likely. How far would your compromises go? How far could they go? Before you've figured that stuff out dating will only be a frustrating experience.

What you're doing right now is blaming random guys for not being right for you. That never works. Neither for NT women nor for us. And let's be honest: how should he look past Aspergers? Ignoring something fundamental like this does not make things in a relationship better. Find out what you want and need and focus on that. Have you read Rudy Simones "22 Things a Woman with Aspergers wants her Partner to know?". I found it quite interesting. Good luck! :)



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Wed Nov 07, 2012 3:40 pm

Where are you finding your dates? Look for nerds, introverts, other people with AS, and people who are a bit older than you. They will be more likely to share your interest in science and not care that you don't want to go out and party.


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Wed Nov 07, 2012 5:09 pm

Meghan2012 wrote:
I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science. I'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines. Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?


I think we all go through something similar.

Right now you're in a 'gold situation' : You're in college.

Finish your degree. While you're at it you will very likely meet like minded people (same major=same interests most of the time). You may find the guy for you there.

If not then you still have a good chance when you work in the field.

I know this sounds a bit like a generalization... but its true: Dating people your age range (18~26) will likely net you a guy that's in it only to get into your pants. If you're looking for a solid relationship then chances are you will get it by dating someone 26+.



JacobV
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Sat Dec 21, 2013 2:05 pm

Meghan2012 wrote:
I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science. I'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines. Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?


the women aspies I know are all married. one of them did it through a religious arranged marriage, the other one married an older man (about 15yrs older) who apparently had youth and looks as his priority in a wife. Maybe you should try that if you're ok with older guys.

reality is that the way we act naturally, we only attract either shallow people, completely psychotic/evil people, or other aspies/nerds like us. At this point in time as the other replies said it might be best off to stay off dating for a while (it's been two years for me and i'm still alive). work on yourself and fine tune your social speaking skills some. It's worth the effort.



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Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:46 am

I focus on other areas of my life. I don't pursue relationships with women because I always get rejected. I don't know how to interact with women. I also choose the wrong partners every single time. I look at my mistakes and how I can improve.

It might sound dumb, like a moral platitude, but sex and romance are such a small part of life. There is so much more in life than finding a partner. I am happiest when I don't even think about dating. As soon as a love interest enters my life, I start getting miserable.

I'm old enough to know that romance with come again and again and again. It is part of adult life. However, I don't obsess about it like I used to when I was younger. Every sex act I did post-puberty was an attempt to prove to myself that I measured up to my peers' standards and to get their approval. Everybody made fun of me because I wasn't having sex or looking for a girlfriend. Sometimes I still have low self-esteem because I am not married and don't have any kids. Societal pressure is so strong. That desire to fit in is so strong. However, I am no longer willing to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship and I am no longer willing to have sex just to say I had sex. I want love.

I guess what I am saying is that I let it happen to me. I work on improving myself and my life, and if someone comes into my life who I am interested in, I am careful not to jump into things. I think about who I would want as a partner and how I want her to treat me. If that person doesn't fit the criteria, then I move on. I go back to being single. The whole time, whether I am dating or not, I am still focused on improving myself and my life.



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Mon Dec 23, 2013 1:27 am

So the OP is a female, which means a totally different dynamic. (Note that I said different, not easier)

I too would ask where are you looking? It sounds like you would want to find an introvert or nerd more so than a party animal. Maybe someone in your own school program?



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Mon Dec 23, 2013 1:42 am

I would be a good candidate, but then I would have to give up partying and stop being a DJ, and just pursue a career in TV broadcasting or theatrical stage lighting


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sly279
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Mon Dec 23, 2013 2:25 am

Wish I had advice but I haven't had a girlfriend ever and I'm soon 26 :(

However I'd date you and wouldn't judge you on our condition. I don't let conditions effect my liking somond probably cause I'm caring sweet and seek to comfort people . I don't like parties either usually just end up sitting alone never know what to do

I don't think I'm the only guy like this hope so anyways so try to find a guy like that

I'd like to find a girl who is accepting like that.

Best of luck in finding a guy and in school



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Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:52 pm

JacobV wrote:
Meghan2012 wrote:
I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science. I'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines. Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?


the women aspies I know are all married. one of them did it through a religious arranged marriage, the other one married an older man (about 15yrs older) who apparently had youth and looks as his priority in a wife. Maybe you should try that if you're ok with older guys.

reality is that the way we act naturally, we only attract either shallow people, completely psychotic/evil people, or other aspies/nerds like us. At this point in time as the other replies said it might be best off to stay off dating for a while (it's been two years for me and i'm still alive). work on yourself and fine tune your social speaking skills some. It's worth the effort.



One of my favorite things I always hear from people is "you deserve someone really good".....and yet those same people usually want nothing to do with me in general anyways. I love that.



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Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:52 pm

JacobV wrote:
Meghan2012 wrote:
I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science. I'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines. Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?


the women aspies I know are all married. one of them did it through a religious arranged marriage, the other one married an older man (about 15yrs older) who apparently had youth and looks as his priority in a wife. Maybe you should try that if you're ok with older guys.

reality is that the way we act naturally, we only attract either shallow people, completely psychotic/evil people, or other aspies/nerds like us. At this point in time as the other replies said it might be best off to stay off dating for a while (it's been two years for me and i'm still alive). work on yourself and fine tune your social speaking skills some. It's worth the effort.



One of my favorite things I always hear from people is "you deserve someone really good".....and yet those same people usually want nothing to do with me in general anyways. I love that.



sly279
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Wed Dec 25, 2013 5:04 pm

Oh yeah I get that or your make some one lucky one day , or your so great I don't know why you haven't had a girlfriend yet. Or the best you'll find somone some day



jerry00
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Wed Dec 25, 2013 5:16 pm

Welcome to the forum, it was cruel what that guy did to you.

It sounds like you've been attracting the typical social NTs, which is good news, it means you're approachable and people consider you attractive. The bad news is the men who would suit you are probably too shy to approach. You will have to open up to them and let a relationship form gradually if that's what feels right.



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Wed Dec 25, 2013 5:28 pm

TheDoctor82 wrote:
JacobV wrote:
Meghan2012 wrote:
I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science. I'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines. Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?


the women aspies I know are all married. one of them did it through a religious arranged marriage, the other one married an older man (about 15yrs older) who apparently had youth and looks as his priority in a wife. Maybe you should try that if you're ok with older guys.

reality is that the way we act naturally, we only attract either shallow people, completely psychotic/evil people, or other aspies/nerds like us. At this point in time as the other replies said it might be best off to stay off dating for a while (it's been two years for me and i'm still alive). work on yourself and fine tune your social speaking skills some. It's worth the effort.



One of my favorite things I always hear from people is "you deserve someone really good".....and yet those same people usually want nothing to do with me in general anyways. I love that.


This is so recognizeable. People are such hypocrites sometimes.



Merle
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Wed Dec 25, 2013 8:32 pm

Meghan2012 wrote:
I have Asperger's, and I have a more severe case of it. I have a lot of trouble socializing, I tend to say the wrong/inappropriate things without realizing it, and just about everything else that comes with Asperger's. I'm not stupid, in fact I have an above average IQ. I'm currently in school to pursue a degree to become a forensic scientist. Like most people with Asperger's, I have one main interest that I'm obsessed with. My obsession is with science. Often the only thing that I want to talk about is science.


Plenty of fish in the sea, particularly those who like a girl with a nerdy/intellectual bent. Did you know that girls mature up to 10 years faster than boys? This means that depending on who you attract (or find yourself attracted to) they may be the equivalent of a Justin Bieber fan, a pre-teen one.

[quoteI'm 19 and I've had 2 short term boyfriends in the past, but both left me because of my Asperger's. The first because he "didn't want to date a retard", which is very inaccurate since I have an above average IQ. The second left because he couldn't deal with certain aspects of my Asperger's, such as the fact that I dont like to attend parties because of my lack of social abilities and my strict routines.[/quote]

Their loss. Honestly.

At 19 (and hopefully they're in the same age bracket) getting to know how to deal with people and their issues is something that is going to help them later on in life. This would have been a decent opportunity for all involved to 'break some eggs' and make an omelette in order to see what works and doesn't. Instead of trying to find someone "easier" to date.

They're retarded, plain and simple. At least by our standards - and this is coming from someone also with an "above average IQ".

Quote:
Does anyone know how to cope with all of this rejection and loneliness? It's so difficult, because guys aren't willing to look past my condition :?


There's no one way. Some use booze (see thread on Merry X-mas), others find a good book, and other just stumble through relationships. It's going to vary for you (avoid the heavy drug use if you can, but I don't judge), and as you age, things are going to change.

Heck, you may be like that other person with 10 cats. Or a WoW account. Or just living in a small studio watching Dr. Who.

If you need to vent, need to ask questions (Ms. post count of 1) , we're here for you. Maybe you'll find a good answer 1:10, or even 1:1, but maybe not. We're struggling with this stuff same as you.



Last edited by Merle on Thu Dec 26, 2013 9:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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