Fantasizing about suicide as revenge

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Yeah, I have had these fantasies for a very long while.

Basically, when I start to think about the many times my family has traumatized me in my early years, I fantasize about what life would have been like for them if I had killed myself immediately after any one of those times, in a way that would imply that my blood would have been all over their hands.

Of course, I now know something like that would have never worked out the way I wanted it to - nobody in my family thinks of me as an actual human being, after all. When I was being raised by my family, they did not want to help me with my development into a healthy adult - they wanted me to be a punching bag at times, for them to beat whenever I made a single misstep, to be screamed at they had a hard day at work. Then, often after they brutally cut me down, they wanted me to hug them, say that I loved them, and then they tended to tell me "pretend nothing is wrong, for our happiness depends on your compliance".

I was not allowed to have my own emotional needs. Every time I tried to express even the slightest bit of discontent, my mother, stepfather and sister would all gang up on me and tell me that I had no right to feel that way. My stepfather beating me? My mother and sister would say, "Well, there are kids out there who are being beaten with baseball bats, and you're complaining about being smacked around with his bare hands?" My aunt forcing me to commit acts of bestiality when I was in middle school? My sister thought that was hilarious, she was encouraging my aunt to continue with it, after all. My mother responded with several things after hearing that. At first, she told me I had no right to be angry at her, because she has had "such a hard life", and that I should just let her continue doing what she wanted with me because her happiness was so much more important than my own well-being. Then she told me, "I was abused when I was a child. I was not weak like you are now. I was strong. I just got over it. The fact that you are not getting over it is proof that you are immature." Then it basically came down to, "You are an ungrateful son who is just trying to ruin my happiness."

I was bullied nonstop in middle and high school. My family always told me that I deserved the beatings I got on a daily basis, along with most of the staff at the public schools I was sent to. In 5th and 6th grade, I was in a special ed environment, and I was getting a lot of support. My mother was too proud to have me continue being in there - she was hell-bent against "her son being a part of the system". So she placed me in public schools and fought to make sure I had no support of any kind whatsoever. She did decide to put me on medications when I was 16, but she was using that as a form of discipline - she would take me to doctors and talk throughout the entire appointments, tell the doctor I was lying every time I opened my mouth, and then the doctors she liked taking me to wrote prescriptions for me based on that alone. Every time I started to feel the slightest bit of discontent, the first thing she would ask is - "Are you taking your pills?"

OK, my mother, my stepfather, my sister, my biological father, my aunt, her husband, my grandmother, most of the staff at the public schools I went to, the bullies who beat me nonstop - they are all a bunch of b*****s. I now recognize that it was not my fault that my family decided to use me as a punching bag in an effort to groom me into being a support for their insecurities.

I also recognize that if I did kill myself when I was in middle or high school, it would not have sent any message across. My family probably would have taken full advantage of that, actually - they would have carried the whole, "he killed himself, we don't know why, so we are going to milk as much pity out of everybody around us as we possibly can" card. I probably would be worth a lot more to my family dead than alive, and I don't want to give them that sort of sick satisfaction.

Yet the fantasies remain. I hate them so much. I know, there are generations of abuse and denial in my family. I am the only person in my family who is the slightest bit interested in breaking away from those chains, and my family is starting to seriously resent me over that. F**k 'em. I want to get away from these fantasies that I have wallowed in for many years, purge myself of the poison my family forced into my soul, and move on.

This is a tough one.

KL,

You've got to understand that some human beings in this world are stupid, heartless, self-absorbed scum who'll do anything to keep you down. But you shouldn't let them get to you. Instead of fantasizing about killing yourself, you should stand up to them, prove them that you're better than they are.

Suicide as revenge is like boycotting an election -- the final results are up to the people you've left behind, and they will almost always act in their own favor, and not yours.

I don't think it would be much of a revenge. They won't change their thinking. They'll say things like, "He was too weak to go on" or "Such a selfish person, to do this terrible thing to us." Do you see what I mean? Maybe even "How could God have cursed me with a suicidal son." I'm saying there's no way they'll take the blame.

My suggestion would be to move to the other hemisphere and never have contact again. Maybe you could send a letter to the police saying that you left of your own free will and do not want contact. I know a woman who, when she couldn't reach her daughter by phone, got the police to go to her door - and this was way over on the other side of Australia! The daughter took out a restraining order against her mother.

I really hope you can get away from there. Best of luck.

Wow, your family is seriously messed out. Now, my family is pretty bad. Yours might be even worse.

With your mother, it sounds like it is all this internal whatever. It doesn't matter the actual facts. Everything gets interpreted, you're upset, you shouldn't be upset.

With your aunt forcing you to commit acts of bestiality---Holy Sh-t---on that one, you have them dead to rights. With physical abuse, a lot of people make all kinds of excuse, if the adult hit the child, then the adult must have had a good reason. With sexual abuse, that's not the case, the overwhelming majority of people are on your side, that this is not cool at all.

With fantasies you'd rather not have, I like the zen approach. I kind of de-powerize the fantasies. I meander to a point, where it's okay to keep the fantasies, it's okay to let them go.

I mean, classic zen meditation and the chattering monkey mind. I view it as just a thought. It will flow in of it's own accord and will flow out. I neither try and hold onto it, nor try and push it away. I give it power in neither of those two ways.

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For members of your extended family where they have children, are you in a position where you can tell them there is sexual abuse in the family?

LIke aardvark said- that some messed up sh**t!

I commend you for NOT fantasizing about homocide.

If you were to take your own life -even if it did 'teach them a lesson"- what good would that do you? You wont be around to observe it.

So thats not a good way to "get revenge".

If you have to fantasize about revenge- fantasize about lawsuits.

Some of that abuse, I would think, is actually criminal.

Its probably past the statute of limitations, but if you have witnesses to some of this stuff you might in theory be able to sue your parents.

Im not a lawyer. I dont really know. Im kinda thinking aloud..,

But atleast its a more positive fantasy- whether you actually do it or not.

I dunno...maybe Im just fantasizing in your behalf. But even if you lost your case- forcing your parents and that aunt to answer for themselves in a public forum...that alone would be sweet.

Either loose the revenge fantasy. Or channel that energy into a more impowering fantasy(even if it is just a fantasy). I guess thats what Im trying to say.

I remember once I tried to tell an uncle that is extended family what was going on. That was a big mistake. He went right to my mother, and then he decided to take my NT mother's word over the behaviourally-challenged autistic person's word (aka my word). My mother later confronted me, saying, "I know what you are telling other people, and I know you are only saying those things to hurt me." So, she laid a massive guilt trip on me when all I was trying to do was find somebody who would care about the pain that was being inflicted upon me.

Not everybody would be on the side of a sex abuse victim. I know that very well. In the case of my family, there is a lot of sex abuse going on. But all of the victims are hammered into silence, and whenever one of them dares to speak up, they are given massive guilt trips because they are trying to ruin the family situation. I'm not the first who encountered that in my bloodline, and I most likely won't be the last. If I ever have offspring, I'll keep them far the hell away from the abusive c**ts that most of my family consists of, however.

This is the most messed up situation I have read about, on here, so far. :/ I'm so sorry. :/ You need to take legal action... talk to a lawyer, and see what might be possible to do. Even if you'd lose the case, it'd leave other people thinking "What if?" or "It probably was true, despite the lack of evidence." Doing that may prevent someone else, related to you, from also being sexually abused... even if you'd lose the case. It'd leave them fearful of what others think. If they'd move to get away from the rumours, you could send their new neighbours letters about the case, and the rumours they fled from. If you'd do that before moving to some other country, to permanently get away from them, you also wouldn't have to think of them suing *you* for defamation, either... you'd be in the clear, then, from such lawsuits, as long as you never returned to the country you are from. Just a few thoughts of non-violent acts of revenge, even if homicide certainly would be the most appropriate... but it'd be highly unfair of you to get arrested for such a thing, so I wouldn't really recommend it, on that basis alone. I certainly would *not* recommend suicide as revenge, though.... they would not even care, anyway, and would just keep going about with their sexual abuse and other forms of evil acts, to others. I certainly understand being suicidal, though.... :/ but don't do it as a form of revenge. Hopefully, you can save some others, related to you, from ever ending up being sexually abused, if you get legal aid.... it could work, and if you choose to take that path, I will keep your success in this in my mind.

Unfortunately, legal action against my aunt is not an option at this point. My state has a statute of limitations, and since I did not disclose any of this to anybody except my family until about a year ago, the statue of limitations ran out and my aunt can no longer be prosecuted for her previous actions against me. I should have said something about it before I turned 28.

NO one in your family is? I assume you're for sure talking about your immediate family, possibly more beyond. Is it possible you know a relative, such as a cousin who may or may not have had as abusive a childhood who would either way understand the way your family operates and not want to be part of the cycle of abusive? It might be a way to feel someone is in your corner because you sound very alone in this.

statutes of limitation apply to criminal conviction. But what about civil action? I dont know. Maybe they apply to that too.

But im thinking that if your parents left you in your aunt's care then your parents could be sued for negligence ( leaving a child in the care of a sicko)? Just a thought.

I sorta agree. In the end youll just be painted as some evil as*hole and thats how they will clear their minds of anything they have done wrong to desserve it. Its sad how humans work really.

I used to do that (fantasise about suicide as revenge). At least you know that it wouldn't really be revenge. I think even if no-one else in your family escapes, you've at least lived to tell the truth, which is an important thing in my book. It's important to tell the truth even if no-one listens. At least on WP we listen.

Okay, a couple of open fields. One way is to continue to write, just like you are here.

And then the benefit of an advocate, even if that advocate is not a lawyer. If you again talk with a family member not directly involved, I think having an advocate present does somewhat increase the chances of what you're saying being taken seriously. There might be a sexual abuse survivors group which might have volunteer advocates. And I wish we had Spectrum Network groups where we could maybe put you in touch with an advocate.

The whole thing sounds bad --- the sexual abuse, the constant bullying at school for which you were stupidly blamed for, the forced medication by your stupid and egotistical mother, and which the doctors ridiculously went along with.

All of this is horrifying abuse. You have to get away from these people. They will never bring anything but pain into your life. And they even say it's all your fault! They just want to blame the victim, so they can pretend they are innocent.

Revenge is one thing, and if it makes you feel better then go ahead. But I'm thinking the best thing you could do for yourself is to just get the hell away from them. They've done enough damage to your life.