Small talk: why people engage in it? And why?

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Dear Wrong Planet Sages

Small talk has always confused me. Why do people emgage in discussions about the weather when I live in the same country, same town, even same street as them and we are living through the same day? Yes, I know it's cold, hence the padded jacket... If it was another country, time or universe I could understand

Also, please enlighten me as to why, what our family refers to as 'normal' or 'ordinary' people, engage in hours of conversation about other people who did not accomplish, achieve or contributed to a betterment in any field?

Sitting through discussions filled with overly loud voices and laughter, just to establish social connections, I have pondered a reason why drunken behaviour, promiscuity, abject matter and other unacceptable and obscene behaviour is fascinating enough to occupy many minds for countless hours on, not just one occasion, but repeatedly. Any thoughts?

Thank you
Confused Aspie

Was this supposed to be posted in the "Social Skills" sub-forum?

I must thank you for calling me a "sage", so I'll take a stab at your first paragraph.

"Small Talk" isn't meant to convey overt information, it's usually designed to serve as an acknowledgement of each other's relative social importance, or in some cases, allow the transfer of social status information.

My understanding is that people feel comforted by having something 'safe' to talk about.
-It's cold outside.
-Yes, it is. And the roads are quite slippery.
And so on. You know you are going to be in agreement, and even if you disagree, it will not hurt anyones feelings.

As far as the 'gossiping' goes, I think people are just nosey, and want to know what is going on in other peoples lives.

There seems to be some kind of collective weird fear about being quiet... I don't know.
I can sort of judge people on how close they feel to me, by how much they can stand a (in my opinion) companiable silence. If you can sit together and share a moment in silence without it being awkward, you feel close to me and are not feeling threatened by the quiet.

Ok, sure:
1) People generally find silence in social contexts unsettling. The reason this is, is because silence in a social context is generally a failure state. It tells that person that they are failing to get your approval and this reduces their self-esteem and makes them seek rectifying effort to fill up the gap.
2) People enjoy social behavior, so even small talk is often enjoyable for people as it stimulates them socially. Most people do have significant desires to be approved of in social situations, and small talk is a very small way of getting that. Even further humor is known as a pleasant experience, so the laughing is often a major social goal people want from their social interactions?
3) Small talk is often a precursor to more involved social interactions. So, by having small talk, a person is actually testing who you are and what benefits you can provide for them. Small talk involves little pre-existing knowledge or trust, but by engaging it, they actually can determine cues about you, like your sense of humor, your background, your outlook on life, your skills and talents, and this knowledge is often used for much more involved social interactions. Also, trust among humans is often built by repeated social interactions, as social interactions provide a form of social stimulation which causes bonding.

Does that help? What are you really not understanding? I mean, explanations of how humor works are ongoing as the topic is difficult, but it likely involves discovering incongruities being built in as a pleasant experience. Socialization as desirable is normal because we're a social species and our social nature is a characteristic aiding our survival. The failure to talk about deep issues is also expected as IQ is not distributed to everybody equally, so not all people will be able to say as much on the matter, nor will all people invest as much into the issue. Selective pressure to be able to talk deeply probably were not strong enough, or countered by other pressures.

Do you think this is absurd in an evolutionary biological context or something?

It seems a lot like birdsong to me, only less pretty to listen to. Lots and lots of (meaningless) chatter that fills up a space with sound, without conveying much information other than, 'I'm here, and you're here, and we both know it.'

Personal pet peeve: "How are you," from a stranger. The socially appropriate response is, "Fine," regardless of how you're actually doing... meaning that the stranger is asking you lie to him if you're not actually fine.

Sometimes small talk is simply a way to reinforce a sense of friendship with someone you know. For example a couple of days ago we bumped into our neighbour in a nearby town. This is a very rare event. Anyway, we briefly discussed the hot weather we've been having - he initiated the subject after exchanges of "Bonjour" because I'd run out of things to talk about. We continued thus for a couple of minutes then parted. I've learned to participate in this sort of small talk over the years, but it doesn't come easy to me.

Thank you all for the replies, and no, this is the correct forum.

Awesomelyglorious, I do appreciate your input into this topic. Thank you for discussing each point in-depth. Very AS. I have learned most of these things, so it's not a matter of not knowing. I just question the use and validity of it.
Approval from strangers through small talk just seems pointless. If it was a person attracted to the other and would resort to small talk to establish common interest and gain approval, I understand that it has a purpose.

Yea, the enjoyment of social behaviour... Subjective, in my view. But I do understand that extravert, for instance, need social contact as they glean their energy from the interaction with other humans. Humour is definitely subjective and I do enjoy clever humour, but nothing about a noisy, drunken party where students expelled excess alcohol orally falls under the categories of enjoy, clever, or humour. Especially when discussed a few days while the students are stone cold sober.

The IQ factor often arises and it pains me to say that some of these alcoholic-expelling socialites have impressive IQs, which makes their behaviour even more perplexing.

In an evolutionary biological context I am disappointed that socially humans have not move further and faster up the Darwinian tree. Native tribes in Africa, where Westernisation has not yet touch their way of life, small talk and gossip is their way of everyday conversation and spreading news. Considering we have Televisions, the internet, news papers, the media in every contemporary form possible; it appears rather backwards or small minded to cling to archaic methods of socialising and news bearing.

Don't you feel the unquenchable thirst for intelligent discussions which leads to not only greater knowledge but the seed of a new project, business, novel, article or such?

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying people should change, I'm just questioning why their social habits have not made the progress that they, as humans, brought about in furthering and developing every field of interest.

When the robots do all the work; will people once again while away time gossiping and exchanging thoughts about the weather over a cup of Earl Grey tea? Fluffing their silk cravats and powdering their wigs?

There seem to be on small percentage of the human population who happen to be heading in the right direction. They're colloquially known as 'geeks'.

Approval from strangers through small talk creates a sense of community (even when the community is as ephemeral as the handful of people waiting at the bus stop). It is also a way of demonstrating no bad intent, a fact which sociopaths make use of to lull people. But most people aren't sociopaths so it remains useful. Everything that Awesomelyglorious posted is true, Every single bullet point.




Clever, no. But you are using too narrow a definition "enjoy" and "humour" by excluding the things that you don't enjoy or find humerous. Other people do enjoy the drunk excess and find the antics humerous. Although you say "humour is subjective", you aren't acting as though you believe that.



They sure do and they throw great parties (which I attended in college). Back in the day ( and presumably still happening) the drunken antics and humour of high IQ partiers often included supplies stolen from the chem lab, such as dry ice and sometimes also tubing and glassware. Why? FUN! Even if you don't find something fun, other people do including those with high IQs.



If it's not broke, don't fix it. There is plenty that is adaptive about this and nothing which is maladaptive.


False dichotomy. Small talk does not displace intelligent discussions. When people feel comfortable with each other, it's often a prelude to it.



This is assuming that giving up small talk would be progress. Unwarranted assumption. If it's not broke, don't fix it.


Some undoubtedly will as part of cosplay. Steampunk is almost played out. Maybe powdered wigs will have a moment.




I am a geek and a nerd and have been as long as I can remember, but that doesn't preclude small talk and this form of socializing. The high IQ drunk people at those parties were geeks too. This way of socializing is adaptive and feels good and helps hold people together. It also happens a fair bit on WP. People on the spectrum may shudder at the thought of verbal small talk and silly socializing, but the Random subforum is almost nothing but that. It's just typed rather than spoken.

I am speculating (as I don't understand it either) but I think chatting allows for preening of one's persona. People have enormous illusions built up around themselves about who they are and their importance in the world. Small talk is an opportunity for them to reinforce these beliefs.

Phylogenetic trees do not indicated some sort of progress. Humans are no more evolved than a chimpanzee. If anything, the oldest organisms on Earth (bacteria) are the 'most evolved' and certainly evolve faster than we do with their average reproduction rate of 1 new generation per hour. Phylogenetic trees merely indicate relationship. They're a family tree, not a progress ladder.

Chit-chat is a sort of social lubricant that's characteristic for Homo sapiens. Even in monasteries where the monks/nuns have take a vow of silence, they still make gestures other to acknowledge each other. There is a lot of value in being skilled at small talk. The real information exchanged is not the weather or how the kids are doing at school, but much more vital information. People who are good at small talk invariably are socially succesful. They get jobs and promotions easier, have more friends and get more help when they need it. So if there is an evolutionary advantage, I'd say it's in the direction of more chit-chat, not less.

Nature defines (so to speak) the "right direction" as reproductive success. The reproductively successful tend to pass on to the next generation those traits which made them reproductive successful in this generation.

Evolution is not a process of intellectual/moreal improvement and perfection. It is a way to achieve optimum reproductive success.

ruveyn

Like many here, small talk is tedious for me, but it does have a purpose. How can you discover shared interests without taking a stab in the dark? The weather may be just an intro into something else.

Small talk is a good way to relieve tension and open a line of communication when dealing with people we've just met. Refusal to respond in kind when someone has initiated small talk could easily be construed by them as contempt or general unfriendliness. People that are apprehensive about something may feel the need to engage in small talk as a way of self validation, for lack of a better term, and it is usually good form to accommodate them and reciprocate in kind if possible. Difficult people can sometimes be softened up a bit with some small talk as long as it comes off as sincere.

I sometimes think it must be Verbal Tennis. Just engaging in talking back and forth and experiencing the face to face social medium. Interestingly, I think one of the most common types of "small talk" is sports talk.


I suppose I did a little myself yesterday. I was asked at the coffee shop how I my day was going so I said I was going to see Pacific Rim. They said they recently saw Lone Ranger. So a brief discussion on recent movies like Man of Steel came up. Now, even though this is just talking about movies, I like to think this kind of discussion is at least thoughtful rather than just groping for a topic like the weather. I may be biased though because I'm a movie nut.

Then again, I suppose sports talk is as important to sports people even thought I could give a F*(k about it.

I think humanity went through too long a period of living in small groups (tribes) for us to be able to shrug off the small talk and gossip habits.

Knowing who has done what to who and reinforcing social status/regard would have been vital to our survival for perhaps hundreds of millions of years. We have had television/telephone for about one hundred years so humans cannot be expected to suppress what has now become hard wired into brains.

Because we seem to lack that hard wiring we notice the redundancy of these evolutionary traits, but those who are wired for it cannot see it in that way. To them it is like reflex.

I found this video very helpfull in understanding this theme:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ue5gTvC4dNU&feature=c4-overview-vl&list=PL32F8B5F41870D160[/youtube]