New here. Need help helping my Aspie son

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My son was diagnosed last year with Asperger's. He is 11 years old. I am just looking for some helpful insight on my son's behaviors. I assume that some of this behavior is b/c of jealousy of his 2 year old sister. One of the biggest things that bothers me is his need to be right. For example, I have a black dog and he will say it's purple. No matter what I say, he will insist that it's purple, even though he knows its not. Another example, he will kick the dog. I will see it and he will continuously tell me he didn't do it, even though he knows I saw him. Sometimes these behaviors end in him crying and screaming on the floor. I want less fighting with him. I know there has to be a better way to handle these things.

What kind of dog is it? Is the dog flat black, or glossy black? Sometimes glossy black fur or hair can have highlights that glint blue or purple in bright sunlight and autistic folk do have a tendency to sometimes focus on odd details of light or sound that others don't even notice. Or there might be some obscure pun involved with the dog's name or breed that makes him think of it as 'purple' even though it isn't. Or he could just be having you on for a lark.

On the kicking thing, I hesitate to suggest. When I was that age, corporal punishment was never off the table if all else failed. If my parents had decided that I didn't have enough natural compassion to refrain from abusing an innocent animal, they would have made sure that I feared the consequences of not exercising that self control.

There's obviously a lot more going on than you have mentioned here.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to offer, although I'm sure others will have more suggestions for you. One thing I would say to you is to "pick your battles". If he wants to say the dog is purple, let the dog be purple for him. That's not a big deal. If there are other issues similar to this, which you can let go, then that will free you up to deal with the bigger, more important issues, such as him kicking the dog and his wilful denial of doing it. And perhaps with less arguing and stress he will be able to see more clearly that the issues you do pick up on are really serious - might help concentrate his mind if there is less overall negativity. (That's not a criticism of you - I know how hard it can be to let go of stuff. But I have found that if I let some stuff go, then my son is more receptive to hearing and taking on board comments about other behaviours.) Think of it as prioritising.

My son is ok with our pets, so I don't know how I would deal with the situation you have with the dog, and he will readily own up to any wrong-doing, so can't help you there either. I'm sure others will have experienced similar situations though, and will be able to help.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! This is a great place for advice and support.

My son is the same, he has Aspergers and is 8. he is super smart and can and will find a way to make EVERYTING that anyone else says wrong, or he will make his answer a better one. Most of the time he is right! When he was LITTLE he did just what your son is doing. He would argue that the sun wasn't yellow, orange, etc..that it wasn't really cloudy when it was, etc...now he will tell you the names of the clouds, or explain why the sun looks different on different days.

I don't care for me, but he is ALWAYS doing this with his little sister, and it makes her feel bad. I try to explain to him that he knows a LOT of cool stuff, and that's awesome. Sometimes other people like to know things too and it is polite to just say "Yes, that's right" etc... Still a work in progress!!

As for animal abuse, that is a no no. We have cats and dogs...my son would absolutely lose his precious video games for hurting my animals. I don't care if he owned up to it or not. And sometimes when my son INSISTS I didn't say something, or he didn't do something I saw him do, I will ask him this, "Why do you think I would say you pushed your sister if you didn't?" usually his answer is because he did it, some times he says he doesn't know.

Hi Kellie,

While the behaviours your describe aren't uncommon in children with Asperger's syndrome, it doesn't necessarily follow that they are "caused by" Asperger's syndrome.

There's no easy way for anyone to explain what is really going on - except perhaps your son, with a little insight.

That said, being argumentative is pretty common and it could be as you said, very much an attempt to keep attention focused on himself.

One of the best things you can do is let him know that you will no longer engage him on this level. Maybe take him out somewhere and explain this but also give him some special one-on-one time. A good place to take him would be a coffee shop because this makes it seem like you're treating him as an adult. He'll be more likely to listen there. Wherever you take him, try to make it just the two of you and pick a place that doesn't have other distractions such as playgrounds or a TV.

Make it clear to him that he can come to you whenever he needs to talk. Let him know that you'll sometimes be busy with his sister but that you'll make time with him to talk later if that's the case.

Once he knows that the argumentative path to attention is closed, follow it up. Don't engage him on lies or arguments. If he says, that dog is blue, just say Ok and let him get on with it. The exception to this rule is when he does something damaging or dangerous. Kicking the dog or harming his sister or breaking things. If you know for sure that he did it, then either punish him immediately or give warning that he will be punished for any further transgressions.

Don't get into the argument of whether or not the event took place (ie: whether he actually kicked the dog) the warning isn't about the past, it's about his future actions. If you're punishing him, then again, don't accept arguments, just state the punishment and be done with it.

I hope this helps.

My son is 12, was dxd at almost 9, and this has been our biggest issue. I just hate the arguing! For some reason, for the past two months, it has been a much lesser issue here, not completely gone but rare. In fact, I'm glad this issue has come up so I could recognize how good it has been.

My guess for my son is that this is a Theory of Mind and self esteem issue. I think that he is doing better now because we have his life - routines, diet, friends, school, exercise, therapy etc. - in good order now. In other words, he is happy. When things AREN'T going his way, things don't make sense to him (he has a TOM problem) so arguing is a way he tries to take control of life around him. My son has a constant ear to trip up people when they speak. He loves to correct his teachers and is constantly seeking for an exception to what they say.

I agree with everyone here, especially gbollard, that you can try to establish that arguing is inappropriate, and then don't engage him, except for harm to people, animals or property. This is easy when he calls a dog purple. Just don't engage.

Our problem is that we homeschool (though he also has teachers once a week), so when he tells me the opposite of what I'm trying to teach, I can't just let it go. Thankfully, like I mentioned, things are going better now.

I wish the best for you.

I want to add.... this is a very concerning issue for me because nothing makes you look and feel like a bad parent than constantly arguing with your child. I'm so grateful we are doing better.

My asd 3 yr old and my (quirky) nt 6 year old both do this a lot! I just tend to say 'lets talk about something else' and move on. I think the earlier poster may be right in that in some way they are correct in what they're saying in a way we don't realise hence them not wanting to back down. Either that or with my 3 yr old I think it may be that he sometimes enjoys the predictability of my response each time.