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Paranoia is the reason I can't have friends. I get paranoid that I'm hurting their feelings constantly, so I try to be as nice as possible, and I'm worried it makes me come off as creepy or even facetious. I'm paranoid that people will think I act nice just to get something from them, like some kind of manipulator or sociopath. That's another thing I'm paranoid about, that people are saying I'm a sociopath behind my back. I'm paranoid that people are going to play a prank on me. I go online and talk about my paranoia, shame, depression, and anxiety to people I think might make good friends, but I end up scaring everybody away. I go on skype and wait until people say hi to me but they never do, so it MUST be because they hate me, or think I'm a psycho, or they're afraid that I'll manipulate them. My mother, who did every kind of drug before I was born, got addicted to painkillers when I was 15 and cut herself in front of me, always told me that I'm manipulative and that I'm a sociopath, so I'm scared everyone else thinks this too. I moved out 3.5 years ago as soon as I turned 18, I was homeless for 7 months, and I moved to the other side of the country just to get away, yet I'm still afraid she will find out where I live, call my employer and say something to get me fired. After being treated the way I was by society after I left my family, I don't really trust anything anymore. I was hoping I would get to develop some social and emotional skills before leaving out into the big world, but it just didn't pan out. I had to learn independence and survival. I didn't always have this intense shame and paranoia, but it started to develop after I moved out and became homeless, and I noticed it got at lot worse in the two years that I smoked weed. I would get high and almost start to hear voices, and every time I'd hear someone laugh I would think they were laughing at me, I would look in the mirror and I looked like some kind of clown, the way I walked never felt right and I was always worried people could tell that I'm not right in the head by the way I dress and walk. Sometimes I worry that the universe is punishing me for being a terrible son and friend or something.
Whenever I think about things that caused me trauma, I like to think about going back to that moment and making fun of myself for allowing myself to get so emotionally affected.
Like my sister found the porn I was looking at, (anime porn) when I was like 13 or something, and she told this as*hole who yelled out in the middle of a class I had with him. "Hey (my name) is it true you watch anime porn?" And I felt so embarrassed it was like I was watching myself from above, I'm not here this isn't happening type of thing. I wish I could go back in time in my body and say really loud. "Yeah, so what? I like it. Try it sometime it's awesome."
Like for instance your mom cuts herself in front of you and calls you a manipulative sociopath. "I'd be like, yup I manipulated you to cut yourself, my plan is going perfectly". Or just go full on f**ked-up "Hey mom when you're done can you do me next?" and roll up your sleeves or something.
05 Jan 2014, 11:00 am
