As people get to know me more and more, I lose respect

Post Reply New Topic

I've noticed a tendency all my life that I can usually make a good first impression on people, but as time goes on people gradually come to see me more and more as annoying, stupid, ret*d, a jerk, etc.

In the last month at work, I've made discreet corrections by email sent directly to them to my co-workers when I see them make a mistake--as they would do for me--and those co-workers have directly chewed me out for it; it's not because they thought what I was saying was wrong, but that they felt they were being "singled out." I'm like, OK, cuz we're on the same team, we correct each other, and we're all at the same level.

I conclude that they've come to view me as either a stupid ret*d or a jerk. Of course, you wouldn't want a stupid ret*d to correct you, neither a jerk.

I guess in the future, instead of sending corrections to my co-workers, I should just send mistakes that I observe and impact team performance to my team lead.

You're in a programming position, right?
Disliking isn't the same as losing respect, I wouldn't imagine that people would start to lose respect for you for correcting them, perhaps the opposite, but some people might not like you at all for it.
FWIW, my DBA husband says he simply glosses over mistakes co-workers make all the time, but when I prompted him about what you should do he's just like 'Well, I don't want this person to adopt lower work standards, but yeah, people'll get pissed about that."
Perhaps you could lower you standards for what counts as an error?
Are you sure these people would point out mistakes of the same magnitude to you if you made them?
Often people don't want anyone correcting them. They'd rather send out the code full of errors, have it get to testing and then come back. It's a pride thing.

I don't have the same situation as far as a job thing like the OP but I feel the same way sometimes. I have had that happen a lot. I make a great first impression and once people get to really know me it's all down hill from there.

I have this problem too. The thing is, correcting people and interrupting people can be seen as asinine. We can be very hostile and total as*holes without ever intending to and worse, without even realizing then, later, or perhaps even ever. Or we may just accidentally give them that impression for an action. Sometimes we just have to hold back; its not always called for to correct people. As stated above pride is an issue, especially if you aren't at least an authority with a higher rank in whatever position (ex. correcting someone's calculations when you have a proven record as a math genius around your group, or if you aren't at least their boss. Even then, we have to be careful to not overdo it).

This has happened to me my whole life, but not because of things like corrections as in your situation, just because of general "me"-ness, even when I'm not in fact doing or saying anything negative that would annoy someone.

When I was young, I was much more introverted and shy, coped by just smiling a lot and agreeing a lot..... I hadn't yet learned to be more confident in myself. I have vivid memories of managing to make a new friend at school, but then in a very short while they would just find me so insipid that they'd start to mock me, and boom, friendship over.

Later in life now that I'm not shy anymore and actually express myself more fully, it's now just "being annoying" or weird that puts people off. Like you, I can make a very, very good first impression, and people even seem to like me very much when they first meet me. I always got the job on the spot if I met right away with whoever was hiring rather than being nothing but a bunch of paperwork and resume, that kind of thing.

But as people get to be around me more, and I'm talking more, they see that I'm weird, strange, have an odd manner, and they DO lose respect for me. I have an active example of it in my life right now. She started out really having time for me, and now she treats me like having a conversation with me just an annoyance. She doesn't seem to respect my opinions where at first she did.

It has happened to me ALL my life, with basically everyone. I'm 52 and don't even want to try to make friends anymore. These aren't even things I'm doing like interrupting, correcting, or things I'm fully aware do annoy people. It's strictly from my awkward style of conversing and just me being me.

You can say "Well, tone it all down and don't be you." And I DO try that -- and still get disliked anyway. So I might as well just be myself and get disliked for my reality rather than trying to be a completely different person with the same result...

.

Thanks, all. As a kid I was quite outspoken, which caused a lot of conflict. I became less so as a teenager, though.

As for my work, we don't do programming; instead we monitor a group of call centers, keep track of what's going on, make reports on what's going on, make sure employees are receiving the right kinds of calls, keep up with the schedules, etc. As for help I receive, the other employees see no issue in correcting me or anything like that and I frequently ask for help and clarification of process. I've always found that helpful, and apparently I thought I could also correct others. Usually, it's not a problem, but in the last month or so, I've been running into some co-workers snapping at me for correcting them, even though I was able to confirm I was doing right by doing so. I wonder if as time has gone on, people have come to see me as a stupid ret*d. After all, the stupid ret*d is the one who is supposed to be taught; in no way is the wonderful smart person supposed to be taught by the stupid ret*d. That's just wrong wrong wrong.

Also, everyone should note that I sent "discreet" messages to those co-workers correcting them. By "discreet" I meant that the message was sent only to them, and not to anyone else.

One co-worker, over one of the corrections, did not even confront me directly about it. Instead, she complained about it loudly on the phone to another co-worker so that I could hear, knowing that if I confronted her on that or reported it she would be able to rag on me for "listening in on her phone conversations." I actually had her as a Facebook friend, but after that, I noticed she was treating me extra nice and then I saw a posting on her Facebook that one should smile at "as*holes"; at that point, I figured she was referring to me, so I unfriended her. What she's been doing is unacceptable, and I will not do anything more with her that is not job-related.

As I said before, I'm just going to send all mistakes that impact the business or my job to my team lead that come from those co-workers who've been treating me like that. I doubt they'd even know I was the one reporting it, as it would be the team lead confronting them.

As for why I'd report the mistakes, it's because they impact the business and/or impact my job. I don't correct everything, but I do it when IMO they've been sloppy and, again, it impacts the business and/or my job--like by adding a whole bunch of work.

I tend to lose respect from some people when stating my opinions...

First impressions: Yeah, I can make a good one, and can keep it up for about 2 hours. If the encounter lasts longer than that, or if I work with them over an extended period of time, they usually begin to like me less. So I limit my social interactions to that level at which I can maintain a positive relationship.

Correcting others: I've gotten myself into trouble by doing this many times. I was taught to ask myself which is more important to me: Do I want to be right, or do I want to keep my two-cents worth to myself and work toward maintaining a positive social situation? Unfortunately I am usually compelled to chirp up and provide unsolicited feedback... and then reap the consequences.