I Fit In Too Well

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I'm smart, and I was taught at a very early age that I would have to fit in if I wanted to not be annihilated, so I've gotten really, really good at fitting in. I work as a counselor, and people think I'm really empathic. But the entire time I'm listening to people, it's like I'm playing a chess game. "Okay, he just said his dog is sick, so I need to crinkle my eyebrows slightly to express sympathy and sadness." It's terribly draining. I've been in plays since I was two, so I am very good at pretending to be someone I'm not. And I keep my office at work spotless and my work pretty well organized, so people have no idea how much I struggle at home with basic things like dishes and garbage. No one knows that I am sort of a hoarder. No one knows that I haven't had someone in my house for social reasons in years, only someone to fix my heater and my dishwasher. And no one knows that even though I'm 46, I've only had this one job in my entire life, because I've been so impaired. And I have no social supports, no friends, no significant other, no real family, and I've never been married or had children. But I play the game so well that I haven't told a single person, not even my therapist, that I think I'm on the autistic spectrum, because I know they would laugh at me. Even here, I've been terrified to write this, because people will read that I have a counseling job and tell me I'm not on the spectrum and I'm perfectly fine. I know I'm not the only one who's gotten skilled at faking it. I know there are actors like Dan Akroyd and Daryl Hannah on the spectrum. But I don't think I can explain this to anyone, including my therapist and my doctor.

It's only been since I've realized that I'm on the spectrum that I've started feeling fine. My whole life is suddenly starting to make sense. But I'm still terrified to say it.

I know what you mean. I never talk about my suspicions that I am on the autistic spectrum in real life. I can sort of get by. I am ok-ish with reciprocal conversation and I have learned over the years what to talk about and what not to talk about. I feel like I have to keep about 90% of myself hidden in order to get by in life. I don't want to get an official diagnosis because I suspect my mother will use it to put me down. I'm also concerned about whether I would need to disclose a diagnosis as a disability on job applications.

I have a job title that makes me sound like I'm successful too, but I work for a really disorganized company and don't get paid much compared to my classmates who graduated the same year as me. Dealing with clients stresses me out. I hate the beginning of new projects. I like it when I 'm in the middle and working away by myself.

I don't think I can get a better job than this. I am sort of self taught through gaining experience in a variety of industries, yes there was a bit of college educaiton, but it didn't teach me any practical skills. I don't really believe I'm any good at what I do.

Being on the specturm has nothing to do with your job title, or what you do with your life. We are all different and choose to go down different roads that may interest us. Being on the specturm is all about how your brain works and the difficulty you feel in interacting with other human beings. I came here after reading Simon Baren Cohens comment: "if you think you are autistic, you probably are." Plus I've had people who have diagnosed family memebers tell me that they think I am autistic.

The title to your post drew me in.

I am a fully trained Spiritual Director and teacher of the Alexander Technique. My special interest is Advaita and contemplative practice.

Autism is undeniably central in my life, however, it is not the essence of who I am. I do not define myself by either my past experiences nor my neurological difference.

When I first looked at the defining characteristics of HFA some eight years or so ago I was deeply disturbed. I was disturbed because half of me identified with all the characteristics and half of me couldn't.

I had become so over identified with my adapted self that my natural autistic way of being was so unconsciously hidden and camouflaged by a hermetically sealed persona.

I was fortunate to have a very skillfull team of people to help me reconcile the seemingly irreconcilable opposites that made me constantly are war within myself.

This cold war ended and the greif that words could not convey filled every cell of my being. I did not know who I was in the world.

I needed very highly skilled professional help. My whole way of seeing the world had just been transformed. It was a paradigm shift.

My story is not special.

I have written two books. My first published book was called "A Painful Gift- The Journey of a Soul with Autism".........it could easily have been called, "OMG, there's no way you have autism"

I will never forget the complete despair I felt going to AS support groups where every one was so desperately trying to be more skilled whereas I was
praying for the courage and strength to put my highly developed skills into a respectful retirement place.

I like the chess game analogy. I can play that game well. These days, greif has given me eyes to see the human condition in a way that has deepened my vocation as a counsellor / spiritual guide. I can also see how pre dx being the 'counsellor' was a wonderful defence from my pain, the pain
of which has now become my greatest credential in being with those who suffer.

With love

Q

There are some posts under work, and I definitely remember seeing someone post who was a counselor, mostly with children because they are open. The thread was started by a woman who worked as a massage therapist. People work in all kinds of areas who have ASDs. The thread was called Aspies in Unexpected Jobs, I think.

You could try out saying it about other people, talk about someone you work with who has ASD, or you think they do, to your doctor and therapist, see if it seems like you can go further comparing yourself, kind of dangle your feet in the water so to speak, or just know that you are not alone if you feel more secure only writing your concern here and not speaking it aloud.

Quaker,
I am right there with you at 55. Similar revelation and experience as a child of an undiagnosed father who was a therapist, and as a professional woman. But what a RELIEF!! ! Life began at 55. Everything makes sense now.

Thank you Gardengirl.

Wishing you well from London.

Q

Same to you, Q. It feels so good not to be crazy, to have answers, and not to be alone in this! Well wishes from South Mississippi!

Wonderful. ..........your so right.

To know we are not alone is equal to being loved

Q

"To know we are not alone is equal to being loved."
I feel loved right now, thanks to you kind people who responded.

Thank you too.

It's rare an issue at WP arouses such passion in me.

Q

Lolcat,
When I started telling people about my Aspergers this year - no one believes me. Not even my doctor. I had to learn to just accept it for myself and begin to address it for my own well being. After a bit of time, I am comfortable mentioning it as matter of fact as mentioning the the weather. It has been a release valve for my family and a way to begin to accept the needed changes we need to make to feel better, such as saying no to certain holiday stresses superimposed on ourselves because of guilt of not living up to the U.S. expectations of the stressful commercial Christmas. We've found as we contently go about our calm and scaled down Christmas (for example) others want to know our secrets for contentment. We realize that stress to hide our inability to "live up to standard" has made us physically ill and for me an emotional breakdown 2 years ago. It is such a relief to embrace ourselves as we truly are and give only what is realistic. My husband, son, and I are all on the spectrum. I had to let go of many things I was aspiring to do that others expected of me to embrace the few I do. I am nowfar more productive and content.

Lolcat,

Hi,

I feel compelled to also share with you. My undergraduate degree is in psychology and have almost completed my Master's degree and will become a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in less than a year. Please know that I sincerely thank you, as now am also feeling less alone since you shared part of your story here. I have yet to get a firm diagnosis myself...but it is clear (being since I'm in this field and have begun to read even more on this and various diagnosis) that I most likely have autism.

Have read about an English show (believe it may still be on Netflix) where there is a surgeon whom has a fear of blood. Also, although I haven't had the chance to watch the show myself yet...my aunt also claims that he has some social issues as well. This makes me think about counselors. There may be a societal expectation for us to naturally be empathetic (just as a doctor may be expected to have a good bedside manner and not fear blood) and be able to pick up on non-verbal language of clients quickly, etc.

But, the truth is...most anything worth having is worth both waiting and working toward, imho. I definitely find myself having to build on my muscle of empathy by using it more and working it out. This has gotten easier for me over the years, but I still feel that there is a long way to go for me in areas of understanding people. At times, I feel better with offering solutions...rather than being fully present during intern sessions with clients.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me here...as I feel we both may be able to encourage one another in our field/area.

It's hard, we can be good at our jobs, whatever that may be, but outside of that we're still lost.

Its ok to find out yourself and to investigate to be sure, but the decision to share it or keep it to yourself should be made wisely, because the annilators are still there and being autistic more often then not carrys a stigma. People may not understand you more but instead mischaracterize you more.

I know the feeling.

It's a vicious circle I haven't figured out to break yet.

1. feel alone/or confident -> 2. try hard and fake it -> 3. get a (false) connection (with a friend, or work or "the world") -> 4. finally break down/show myself -> 5. lose connection -> 6. try to get over it/make myself "more skilled" -> back to 1.

I think if I didn't do so well in step 2, my step 3 would have enough value to overcome step 4 and never reach step 5. I'm sick of step 6.

I fit in extremely well and practice the same thing that you described (Someone says a certain thing, so I should do A, B and C with my facial expression, hand gestures or body language).

It is EXTREMELY draining. I completely agree.


Also, just because you are a counselor means that people would think you are not ASD.

My psychotherapist that diagnosed me with ASD a year ago is ASD herself.


As an undergraduate student my major was Psychology and Philosophy. Thanks to my special interest in Psychology and Sociology I spent a lot of time practicing body language, facial expressions, and therapist techniques for talking people through things.

I have now since changed my major to undeclared but I will most likely do a double major with Psychology and something else.