I feel like I'm running out of time

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Halfmadgenius
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01 Jul 2014, 1:37 am

All I ever wanted was to be loved and raise a family. Babies are a special interest. Always have been. I've been reading parenting books as well as texts and articles on prenatal development. I long to hold my own child in my arms. To raise and teacher him or her as I feel is best.

But at 31 I feel like I am running out of time. I haven't had a date in over a year now, much less a relationship. And I know a woman's fertility goes into decline slightly after 25, then takes a steep nose dive at 35. Plus the odds of having an abnormal baby go way up.

I don't feel I'll ever be truly happy or have fulfilled my true purpose unless I get to be a mommy and a wife, but I have no idea how to find a good man and feel like I am running out of time.

I don't even know where to meet men. How to get them to talk to me. I am on three dating sites, still no dates. I don't know what to do.

I can't really afford to have artificial insemination. And can't support a baby on my income alone. If I could I'd have done it by now. But I have no way to find a husband. I'm already turning gray too. Who is going to want to raise babies are with an old woman?



tarantella64
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01 Jul 2014, 1:54 am

Halfmadgenius wrote:
All I ever wanted was to be loved and raise a family. Babies are a special interest. Always have been. I've been reading parenting books as well as texts and articles on prenatal development. I long to hold my own child in my arms. To raise and teacher him or her as I feel is best.

But at 31 I feel like I am running out of time. I haven't had a date in over a year now, much less a relationship. And I know a woman's fertility goes into decline slightly after 25, then takes a steep nose dive at 35. Plus the odds of having an abnormal baby go way up.

I don't feel I'll ever be truly happy or have fulfilled my true purpose unless I get to be a mommy and a wife, but I have no idea how to find a good man and feel like I am running out of time.

I don't even know where to meet men. How to get them to talk to me. I am on three dating sites, still no dates. I don't know what to do.

I can't really afford to have artificial insemination. And can't support a baby on my income alone. If I could I'd have done it by now. But I have no way to find a husband. I'm already turning gray too. Who is going to want to raise babies are with an old woman?


Well...for one thing, 31 isn't exactly panic time. Women have babies into their 40s. I didn't have mine till my mid-30s. But the thing that actually gives me pause here is the "babies are a special interest" thing. I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but...well...they're people, not interests. And they don't stay babies for very long. Babies are an incredible amount of work for a short while, and then they're...you know, verbal, and people, and they're growing up and away from you. Are you sure what you really want is to raise a *person*? Or are you mostly interested in babies?

I think also the "true purpose" thing is probably modifiable. Lots of women want babies, it doesn't always happen. Have you talked with a therapist about it?



Halfmadgenius
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01 Jul 2014, 2:07 am

I should have said children. I use to babysit from the first time I was 10, took care of my brother when both my parents worked night shift and even worked in a day care center once upon a time. I know kids are a lot of work. And I know they grow up. And raising sweet babies in to good, kind children then responsible adults is all I want to do. All I've ever dreamed of.

And it's not just about the babies (though that is the part with a timer on it, especially knowing mom miscarried 8 babies that we know of)

But damn it I am lonely too. I want to be held again. I want someone to talk to at night when mind is buzzing like a hive of hornets. I want to play board games and cards. To have someone to watch cosmos with and talk about it afterwards. And to be perfectly honest I wouldn't mind having sex again.

But most of all I want a family. And I really feel having a baby or two would take some of the pressure of the urge to find him right this second. If I already had a family it wouldn't matter if he showed up tomorrow or after menopause.



The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Jul 2014, 2:46 am

Yeah, and there's a huge misconception that men don't have a biological clock; we do.
Between age 30 and 50, the average man's sperm declines by up to 30% in volume, swims about 40% slower, and five times more likely to be mishaped = 5x risk of abnormal babies.



Klowglas
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01 Jul 2014, 2:51 am

You can fulfill your maternal instincts without having babies of your own, you know.... have any nephews, nieces? You project them as your own children. I find that my paternal instincts tend to really come out when I'm interacting with younger people.

I just think that this biological clock is just an illusion that makes it appear as if sometimes that can't be strpped from you is going away. Imo, people need to stop looking at blood so much and look at what role they play in their family or community... because there are a lot of children in the world that need mother/father figures to guide them, for lack of proper parents.

So even if Mr. Right doesn't come along... you're going to fulfill that maternal itch regardless... provided you don't exile yourself from the rest of the world. So there's no need to panic! You don't love a child because they're related to you, you love them because they need you, and the world is filled with plenty of unrelated people that might need you.



Halfmadgenius
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01 Jul 2014, 3:07 am

My brother and his children live in Montana. I've never seen or spoken to any of my nieces and nephews. I don't think they even know they have an auntie in Georgia. My mom has only even seen the two boys. I don't know if she's talked to the oldest girl on the phone or not.

I don't have any friends in the area, much less any with kids. And none of the preschools will hire me because I am not a real teacher Nor a member of the churches that run them.



Halfmadgenius
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01 Jul 2014, 3:10 am

And with my 3rd shift hours and honestly unsafe house I don't see the state letting me be a foster parent.



The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Jul 2014, 3:30 am

Klowglas wrote:
You can fulfill your maternal instincts without having babies of your own, you know.... have any nephews, nieces? You project them as your own children. I find that my paternal instincts tend to really come out when I'm interacting with younger people.

I just think that this biological clock is just an illusion that makes it appear as if sometimes that can't be strpped from you is going away. Imo, people need to stop looking at blood so much and look at what role they play in their family or community... because there are a lot of children in the world that need mother/father figures to guide them, for lack of proper parents.

So even if Mr. Right doesn't come along... you're going to fulfill that maternal itch regardless... provided you don't exile yourself from the rest of the world. So there's no need to panic! You don't love a child because they're related to you, you love them because they need you, and the world is filled with plenty of unrelated people that might need you.



Interacting with cousins, nieces and nephews isn't the same; it's more like bigger brother/sister role (even if you change their diapers).

And I think they rarely would allow singles to adopt children, couples always have a much greater advantage even at that.



SabbraCadabra
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01 Jul 2014, 5:05 am

Halfmadgenius wrote:
I'm already turning gray too.


Welcome to my life...about a decade and a half ago...

I figured I would be really gray or almost white by now, but its taking its sweet time...maybe I just don't have enough stress in my life now that high school is over =P

Klowglas wrote:
You can fulfill your maternal instincts without having babies of your own, you know....


Lots and lots of cats ^___^


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BirdInFlight
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01 Jul 2014, 8:11 am

I totally understand where you're coming from, Halfmadgenius.

It's a very natural and deep-seated desire even while not every woman (or man) feels the wishes you have that strongly, or at all. Just saying that when someone does feel it the way you do, there's nothing wrong with that, and it's coming from a deeply rooted biological imperative.

I also understand the "running out of time" feeling -- you have the cold hard facts correctly; things do get MUCH more difficult for a woman to conceive after 30 to 35 even though it's still totally possible. It's just that it does get less and less "direct hit" easy/likely. The women who do still easily get pregnant into their 40s make the rest of the world believe "Well, there you are then, still plenty of time!" But that's misleading. Your eggs do deteriorate so that the chances/odds do go down.

Right now, try not to dwell upon that. You say you're on dating sites -- keep up with those, and connect with any likely candidates.

I'm wondering if it would help -- or in fact hurt -- to be honest and upfront on your profile about wanting to start a family? A lot of people are afraid to put things like that in their profiles or goals for fear of driving people away. I don't mean go crazy talking about babies on the brain, but just stating clearly that you're not looking just to date but to find a like-minded partner interested in family life. There are ways to be very clear about that without sounding off putting to men, and of course there are some men who feel the way you do and are interested in having a family. You just have to find those individuals. People use dating sites for everything from "just want to play the field and have fun" to "want to find The One and have a family and a marriage". It's just a case of the right people with the same goals finding each other, and that's going to be a numbers game and a process of elimination.

I wish you the best, as there is nothing wrong in one of your interests and goals being the creation of a healthy, happy family if that's what you want, and I hope you can match up with a man who has the same things in mind.

.



BuyerBeware
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01 Jul 2014, 8:19 am

Dunno. The State of Kentucky let my cousin, a single woman with Type I diabetes, severe (sometimes crippling) neuropathy, no full-time permanent employment, and some other issues I won't discuss in a public forum adopt a kid.

Granted she's a preteen, not an infant, toddler, or small child...

...but they're really, really desperate for willing and remotely competent foster and adoptive parents. There are A LOT of kids waiting for someplace safe and supportive where they can finish growing up.

I remember being desperate for a husband, a family, support, companionship, all of it.

I found it, in spades. It is, how do I say this, not what I thought it would be. I love him (perhaps not well, but I do care for him and want him to be happy, and enjoy his company when I'm not frustrated trying to get him to understand or trying to get myself to). I enjoy the children-- spending time with them, playing with them, talking with them, keeping them fed and clothed and all, teaching them, sometimes even disciplining them when I know that I've found something that is effective, and for the right reasons, and likely to get the right result, and not offensive to my own remembered standards of respect and reason and fairness.

They drive me batty-- any parent who says children never drive them batty is heavily medicated or lying through their teeth-- but they are the light and joy and laughter and reason in my life. If somebody wants that, wants the good parts and the bad parts, to have the fun and give and receive the love and actually wants to put in the work, day after day after day after day (and night after night, for that matter-- babies wake up a lot and adolescents for some reason seem to have nocturnal circadian clocks), then I want that for them.

Here's the catch-- Marrying somebody, even the right somebody, doesn't mean getting to be who you are with somebody who loves you. It means being who THEY need and want you to be. It also means conforming to societal expectations of marriage-- you can think that it doesn't, you can even talk to your would-be partner and decide between you that it doesn't-- but it still does.

Maybe it's different in your 30s (though I doubt it-- we're in our 30s and it's still going on). But if you don't conform to those expectations, both of you are going to get flak from outside. Friends, coworkers, total strangers-- and that puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. Both of you are going to come to it with expectations-- each of you will have some expectation that you'll fill your role the same way the same-sex parent did, and that the other one will fill the role the way the opposite-sex parent did.

Females really do expect to become their mothers and marry something like their fathers; males really do expect to become their fathers and marry something like their mothers. Don't just look at the man-- look at his parents, if they're around to look it. If you can't be his mother and wouldn't consider marrying his father, then keep on walking. Same goes for guys-- If you couldn't stand to be her father and couldn't stand to be married to her mother, keep on walking.

My husband had a verbally abusive father and a discontented mother. He had three older half-siblings. ALL of them, husband included, turned 18 and graduated high school and ran as far as they could as fast as they could. Hubby and I are the ONLY ones that call frequently, or that visit at all. He KNOWS the reasons why he left, the reasons why they ALL left. He knows his mother was repressed, resentful, and unhappy (and took it out on the kids, in terms of being snappish and snide and uncompassionate). He was sitting beside her in the hospital when his dad died; his description to me was, "She dried her tears, sniffed the air, and smelled FREEDOM."

But they are STILL The Example. For him, anyway. I still get s**t because I do not "be a wife" in the same way that his mother "beed a wife." Even if he hates it, he expects himself to do as his father did and reverts to the same. I see so many similarities between him and his father that sometimes (usually when kids are getting punished for an honest mistake or I'm getting cut down for having an opinion he thinks is stupid or wrong) it literally makes me nauseous.

And I'm perfectly certain he feels the same way about me. The only things I have in common with my natural mother are an asymmetrical jawline, a very slight tendency to aspirate my fricatives, and raging poor self-esteem. He never knew her to compare us. I know I have similarities to my father and my aunt (longwindedness, isolationism, a love of blue-skying things, a tendency to soapbox with social commentary, a quick temper no matter how quickly the sun comes out again after the storm) who pretty much filled the "mother" role through my adolescence, that drive him nutty. I know there are unfavorable comparisons to my tendency to be opinionated and sometimes derisive in arguments, just like my stepmother. On and on and on...

And-- I expect myself to be insecure, to strive for approval, and to be hypersexualized, just like my mother. I expect myself to be submissive and to discard my friends, my interests, and my personal life aside from him and the kids, just like my stepmother and my aunt. I expect him to be laid-back and a democratic parent, to talk things over to the ends of the earth, and to try things outside his comfort zone (no matter how many times, at least in metaphor, the wrench must be slammed on the ground while screaming, "Son of a mother f*****g b***h!"), just like my dad. And I'm sure it drives him f*****g batshit, because his family didn't do things that way, and his dad raised him to not even attempt to do things unless he was sure he could get it right the first time.

Then there's parenting. When you are out in public by yourself, you are out in public. When you are out in public with kids, you are ON STAGE. You ARE being looked at, and you ARE being judged (harshly), and the stakes ARE higher. Yell, swear, or shed tears in public?? With a kid, you can get the cops called on you for that. Not kidding. Right now the laws are written such that all they can do is talk to you, but that's probably going to change for the worse in the near future. Get sick enough to have to go to the emergency room without a sitter?? People can try to take your kids away for that. BTDT, still comes up in therapy, fighting !another! round of agoraphobia over it as we speak.

And when you are home alone with your kids?? Honestly it's sort of like being out in public by yourself. Because they are going to go out in public, without you (school, playdates, et cetera et cetera), and they are going to behave based on what they've been taught at home, and YOU (to the greatest extent as the mother) are going to be the one that bears the judgment for that.

There is a HUGE amount of pressure to slavishly follow the current popular trends in parenting, no matter how stupid you think they are, no matter how much your kids hate them, no matter how much they don't work for you, your spouse, your kids, or your family as a whole. No matter if you think they are, not even merely stupid or pointless or counterproductive, but outright destructive. HUGE.

Dunno how they are in Georgia about that. In Arkansas they weren't too bad at school, though church was such a fishbowl that even my daughter eventually gave up AWANA despite the fact that most of her friends were there. In West Virginia they were snitty and catty about it, but they had too many bigger problems to be really nitpicky. In Pennsylvania, they are downright in-your-face. My oldest daughter is practically an ideal child and she's had problems; my son had a tough fourth year what with having a suicidally depressed mother and moving three times and spending nine months with a verbally abusive grandfather and also has a mild case of ADHD-- life has been Hell since Kindergarten started; it's the first of July and I'm already dreading August and wishing I had the wherewithal to raise the two little girls, keep the house, keep up with the business errands, and homeschool him. Not because I think I could provide him a better education-- just because the climate at school (and in parenting in general in this area) reminds me just a little too much of The Giver.

I feel for you. Kids are wonderful, wondrous, amazing, joyful, desirable creatures. Helping them and teaching them and fooling with them and encouraging them and watching them grow is delightful. To me anyway. They're just-- there are no words I can come up with that do justice, or that describe, or that can't be twisted in some wrong way.

But-- think also of all that OPP that you don't have to deal with by not having kids. Because the OPP has been my biggest problem as a parent (and it's HUGE). Other People's Perceptions gain a great deal of power over your life when you choose to get married, and even more when you choose to have a kid.

Where to look for men-- I don't know. I met mine, basically, at a bus stop. It was WVU's private warped monorail student transportation system, not an actual bus, but same basic principle. Whether it was a good idea or not is still up for grabs. We've been together for 16 years; there is happiness, and love, and support, and we do live. But there are a lot of fights, hurt feelings, frustration, and unmet expectations too. I don't know whether it's a good marriage or not. I don't know whether it will last. I don't know whether it should, or what I'll feel if it doesn't. Will I be devastated?? Terrified?? Miserable?? Or will it be like the song from Frozen-- "I know I left a life behind, but I'm too relieved to grieve?"


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Cafeaulait
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01 Jul 2014, 11:01 am

I am 22 and I feel the same :(
I feel like I am never going to be in a long term, fulfilling relationship let alone have kids



sly279
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01 Jul 2014, 2:39 pm

I need to be held too :(
anyone want to do cuddle exchange.



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01 Jul 2014, 4:28 pm

I am having a lot of the paternal pangs myself. (I will be 35 later this year)

It seems like the trend is not to have kids, or wait later in life, so I understand how you feel.


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wowiexist
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01 Jul 2014, 8:47 pm

I feel the same way that you do. I am trying to get involved in more activities with the hope that at some point I will be able to meet someone. How long have you been on the dating sites? Sometimes it can take time.



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01 Jul 2014, 9:16 pm

You still have almost 4 years. That is a long time. One thing I might suggest is moving to a location where there are more of the type of guys you like.

I often feel the same way that you do. Something about turning 30 earlier this year has really affected me in a negative way. I realize I am not a kid anymore but I don't have any of the trappings of adult life either (marriage, kids, sexual experience, house, or property). I feel very behind my peers and fear that I won't have the opportunity to experience fatherhood. But that is not real, and I remind myself that it is not real. The future hasn't materialized yet. I have a choice in the matter. I can become the type of person who is capable of a relationship and put myself in a position to enter a relationship. It isn't hopeless. I encourage you to be optimistic and keep working to improve your life--regardless of whether you are single or dating.