My final work.... planning suicide.

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Life has been getting worse from me. Attempting to find help has so far made things worse for me. The levels of anxiety I feel has been continuously increasing and life has become agony for me.
I am slowly becoming more and more terrified of others and the world.

But I don't want to leave nothing behind of myself, so I am writing my final a work. A single last pseudo-autobiographical testament that I existed. And then I want to end it.

Why kill myself? I don't see a future for me that I like. Life is agonizing and painful... I hate it. The world is nonsensical and I can't seem to adapt to being an adult. Everyone lies and ignores me. I have no identity... I'm losing my ability to interact with others...

I have my art, but I am seemingly incapable of excellence with it. So what else is there to do, but write a last book and let myself pass with it.

And my memories have been locked away from me, because I can't handle them.

Living in a world without a past, an identity, without ambition, and without talent or skill... is to live without a future.

I'm in a situation that I can't find a way out of and I can't survive in. I'll be forgotten regardless. Maybe I'm already forgotten. I think I've lost focus on what I meant to say. I just hope that my final work will be appreciated by someone. That's close enough to living.

How often are you around the people that ignore you and lie all the time? I have been around people like this and I was miserable all the time because I got the feeling that everyone was like them and felt almost completely helpless.

That sounds terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Do you have a car or any available transportation that you can use to avoid them for a while?

I think your parents are the issue here, you need to find a way out of this environment, you don't deserve to live this way. Try to find job placement assistance so you can save some money and find your own place. Don't waste your life away, there are services out there depending on where you live.

If you have transportation available to you it also might be a good idea to do some volunteer work because it might distract you for a while. It would also look good on a resume if your trying to get a job.

Well I'm certainly not a "functioning" person either so I think I know where you're coming unfortunately but things can change even if it at a snail's pace. I don't know where you live but you could try Voc Rehab, it can be a mixed bag sometimes but they're helping right now and I feel good about finally doing something. I self medicate, I've opened up to legit medication, I have my little interests and distractions here and there. Hopefully you can find something to make life more tolerable.

You don't even need a car to leave. You can walk. Or if you have a bike, take that. Find some cash and evacuate as fast as you can. It would be better to find somewhere else to be. Maybe do like a disappear into nature type thing if you want. Or just escape to some place where others can handle everything you need until you get back on your feet. If you need cash I guess there are some "ungentlemanly" ways of going about it. Take some cash from your parents without them knowing until you're long gone. It's not like you'll be able to do anything to change their view of you anyway from the sounds of it.

I don't know, it's really all up to you in the end, but before taking the most drastic measure, take some slightly less severe ones first. You never know how things will turn out.

I'm in the same boat but I haven't tried every other option first. I'd rather try them first, before ending it all.

Small changes can happen, tiny alterations can collectively alter your life’s circumstances, not entirely, but enough to make life bearable. It’s a slow process, requires energy and focus and a dedication to your wellbeing. Based on a personal hell I believe that the only absolute certainty is the breath that I am inhaling at this exact moment, will I breathe another... who knows? Anything bad could happen, equally something good could happen, the most likely thing to happen will be the mundane ... but that’s if my next breath comes to me.
If you are in a harmful environment, planning to leave it could be the first small slow step.

Could you provide a bit more information, the area/country you live in, how old you are, whether you have had contact with any supportive people or organisations in the past, if you would feel ok about talking anonymously to a helpline?

Reach out as you have reached out here, being as honest about your present painful feelings. If someone doesn't get it, just move on and keep reaching out until someone does get it. There is always that someone at some point who does get you, and once you find that person, they can support you through this. It doesn't have to be someone you know. It could be a volunteer at a helpline, a stranger you happen to meet from whom you sense some warm understanding, a teacher from the past, a neighbour, someone at a 12 step group, - or none of these and someone from somewhere else. But that person is always out there somewhere in the world, and has stood in your shoes. Find one of those people, OP, when you have the energy to search. Making connection with people who get us is one powerful doorway that leds us out of suicidal feelings. Look out for the tank fillers, not the tank emptiers; you don't need invalidation from tank emptiers, none of us do...

I am 20, and I live in Virginia, U.S.

I can drive, but I don't have a car that I could take. And I don't have a bike.

I have been trying to get a diagnosis for a year now. I have contacted every therapist and shrink in a 25 mile radius, but I've not been answered.

I have even applied to voc rehab (as I have heard they do get people diagnosed), but they are underfunded and there is a long waiting list for services, they told me they probably can't help for at least 12 months if they decide to at all.
And the same seems to be true for all local services...

I can't get a job... I don't know of anywhere to volunteer for either... the same limitations seem to apply.
I don't have much money, and I can't just take money from my parents or elsewhere, they would call the cops on me and press charges. I've seen that happen to my cousin.

I don't know of any other way to reach out and each attempt seems to drain my will and confidence. I'm regressing and getting worse and there doesn't seem to be any help. I'm becoming increasingly terrified of the outside world.

I'm alone and there doesn't seem to be any escape from my situation.

Talk with your family doctor or go to your local emergency and explain the situation. Sounds like you need help NOW. I was suicidal too once.

Thanks for the information, which helped me see how it is for you right now.

As I read your post, it was your final sentence most of all which stood out for me:


I'm alone and there doesn't seem to be any escape from my situation.

In a nutshell, isolation and feeling trapped is a desperately painful experience. I wonder: instead of focusing on a job right no - you sound too emotionally battered for the energetic challenges of job-hunting for the time being - it might be better to focus on how you can break out of the isolation, however small the first steps may be.

You've taken the first step by sharing the issues here. I am sorry that you got no response from the professionals you contacted - shame on them. However, like the job-hunt, maybe put that to one side for the time being.

Is it possible for you to join an online, community based or meetup group? There is such a wide variety of meet-up groups; some are specifically for peer support for people facing similar issues.

Do you have any special interests? Hobbies? Do you like movies? I know it is hard to get out there when you feel as you do now, though you seem to have got into a space where connection with others outside your home is absent from your life, and if home is not a supportive place, no wonder you are suffering.

I feel for your isolation, having once been in that situation myself. Please stay in touch as you find your way through this.

when i was looking for volunteer opportunities, i called the local united way. they listed many. i picked two: reading the newspaper to blind people and tutoring english as a second language. these things gave me purpose until eventually they did help me find a paying job.