It's official and he's not happy about it

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My husband officially got his paperwork confirming an ASD diagnosis today. He's upset. He thought he could fool the doctor- for some reason he desperately did not to be diagnosed with ASD. I think mostly because he thinks people will ditch him because of it. He phoned his mother and she yelled at him for an hour about what a disgraceful human being he is, how she is going to burn any books of his she still has (he has a collection of books that are important to him) and mocking his stutter. I told him that I do not share her views but he's really, really upset. Other than finding him a new mother, do you have any suggestions to help? Anything you really wish people had done when you were diagnosed (especially if you weren't thrilled about it)?

Sorry to hear that.
It's not unusual to be treated negatively once you are diagnosed with a permanent disability and/or disease.
It's called being "marked"!

Some people even go as far as distancing themselves from the person.


In my case my grandmother (who I live with) is hell bent on fixing me and making me normal before she dies (she's still has a many good years left).

Other people are overly sensitive with me, feeling bad and constantly offering to help me....

Some have even been put off by my AS and have since cut me out (we weren't close).

Though it does help you find out who truly cares about you and who are just fair weather fans.

I don't suppose, in the midst of her rant, his mother explained why she suddenly disdained him for being labelled with something he'd always had?

Why did he get the diagnosis if he didn't actually want it?

I'm sorry, and I mean no offense, but your husband should learn to tell his mother to go f*** off. No mother should EVER "disgrace" themselves from their child, no matter what they have. That's just f*****g disgraceful. It's not like he committed a murder.

As for your husband, I think this is the beginning of the process. I remember when I was first diagnosed with Asperger syndrome I felt a similar sense of shame. However, since then, although I don't take pride in it (because I always felt it was foolish taking pride in things I don't control), I nonetheless have accepted it as part of me, and overall what makes the person I am. He'll learn, hopefully, and perhaps he'll also empower himself, as I have.

You can't tell your mother to f**k off - even though I've been tempted myself at times. That would be disgracing yourself.
Mine went on long, angry rants as well when I told her I suspected. She was frightened, guilty and ashamed of my 'defectiveness'. She did everything she could to convince me I was normal - shouting, calling me stupid, lazy, thoughtless, blaming my father, my diet, my inability to accept Jesus into my life - it went on and on. She came around in the end.

I suppose he could be going through some sort of identity shock. It can take a while to adjust to the self knowledge.

That really sucks, I'd say do what you're already doing and just be supportive. I wish more people had been openly supportive when I got diagnosed, felt like my life was spiraling out of control.

His mother is crazy. She is very religious and I suspect this is relating to her religion, but I did not speak to her. I agree that it's tempting to tell her to f**k off - I probably would, were she my mother, but he takes a different approach. It's not my job to monitor how he interacts with his mother, obviously.

He got diagnosed because he is seeing a therapist who told him to. Like I said, he thought he could fool them and then not have to hear about it. Also he has a hard time saying "no" because I think he worries that if he does he'll lose that person.

I'm very concerned that he feels like his life is spiralling out of control because he has a history of doing drastic and not smart things when this is how he feels. He's just not having a good time in life right now.

Encourage him to join wrongplanet, it may help him to work through things.

I wish that my parents would talk to me about it, to be honest. Also they have the view of autism from like the 60's and 70's so I can't seem to explain anymore what the differences are and how autism affects me. My mom confessed she thinks I have a 'social problem'. Likely she's also an Aspie however I can't talk about the subject of Asperger's anymore in their presence and I've only been diagnosed a couple of years now. It's extremely painful to not be able to talk about a serious condition with someone that listens. I can't imagine how your husband must feel right now, I just know that I would of really liked to be listened to and supported. It sounds like you're supporting him so that's good.

A grieving process is perfectly normal. There is the element now that this state of having autism is permanent, and one must make peace with that somehow. Afterward one can look forward to self-acceptance and the development of autistic authentic personality which I'm discovering more and more is pretty darn cool in itself, difficulties with society aside, we're really very interesting people most of us think deeply and care profoundly for others. Not being able to express love the expected way is not the same as not feeling love.

I found and I still find my diagnosis difficult to accept. I sought it out because I wanted an explanation of why I felt so different but I did not feel better after being diagnosed. I had constructed an identity independent of AS and it has been difficult to alter that identity to be compatible with my diagnosis. I thought of myself as gifted and misunderstood and the diagnosis was a big shock to that image I had of myself.

I have encountered scepticism from family members who perhaps don't understand AS or think I am using the diagnosis as an excuse. I tend not to disclose because I don't really know how to do it in a manner which doesn't alienate or worry people. I know I appear odd and eccentric but I would rather not be labelled as defective or crazy. I suspect I'm a little paranoid about people judging me but I don't really think there's any point in telling most people unless they are confused about my behaviour.

My husband got his diagnosis to because of work related issues He had no choice and to this day (4 years later), still believes he's schizoid or the world is wrong not him. He had a brilliant clinician, so the diagnosis is considered valid by just about everyone. (except my husband).

People really pulled away, because he hates

-parties
-crowds
-has numerous sensory issues
-talking on the phone
-any sort of social obligation

and people believed with Autsim you want to be left alone. So they vaporized. When he does Aspie things the monologs, the never getting anything done because of executive functioning issues (that killed him at work along with the nil social skills), it's more pity (?). Before people would be pissed off and think he was a jerk. Now it's more "bless his heart", he can't help it.

Also around here people think Autsim=Sandy Hook, so no one seems really interested in firing up a friendship with a 50 something year old man who isn't working, socially inept with a sometimes obvious chip on his shoulder.

The day he was supposed to be cleared to return to work, Sandy Hook happened. The doctor, who assured my husband he was going back to work, put him on permanent disability. It didn't help my husband had a massive meltdown at work, which caused the police to be called (work thought he was psychotic).  So the doctor probably thought with a disability claim he still gets paid, but he's not the company's daily problem anymore. This shredded my husband more than anything.

Don't let the diagnosis change your relationship with you husband. It did for me. I went from someone riding his ass to get things done, to expecting nothing from him. For him it was horrible. He went from the structure of work, and living with someone who had expectations to nothing. No work. No other person "telling him what to do". His executive function skills are worse than our 9 year olds. So he literally drowned socially and as a human. He isolated. He didn't wash, eat or take his medicine. His anxiety when through the roof, because there was some social outline before and expectations to never ending free time. That freaked him out.

Kübler-Ross's model for the 5 stages of grief really applied to my husband. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With the job loss and diagnosis he jumped around the first 4 stages for going on 4 years. Now the tiny glimmer of acceptance is sneaking through. What made all this worse (and it seems silly when you tell people), because my husband always valued his smarts and intelligence. A real IQ snob. His IQ tested 130, but with all the scatter on the other tests, it was adjusted to 110. This absolutely killed my husband. Whatever bit of self esteem he had left after hearing that.

I had more people believing the diagnosis was an excuse for BS behavior than anything else. My family refuses to talk about it. At all. Like now SnowFlake has an official excuse for being such a SnowFlake. His family just ignores it. As if none of it ever happened. The work situation was fluffed off as stress. I had very few people accepting his diagnosis. Both extended families are permanently stuck in the denial stage. Lol..

One last thing, it is a totally different deal getting a diagnosis when you didn't want it. The people here who had a positive experience wanted answers to their why. You husband and mine didn't want a why at all. In their heads everything was just fine, and now its all turned to dog s**t. That's the reason for the anger.

Also I remembered you have two children on the spectrum, don't let him beat himself up if he starts blaming himself for them being on the spectrum.

One last thing...

Many many religious types do not believe in mental illnesses (I know Autism isn't really under that, but it is in the DSM. Psychiatry deals with it). It is considered shameful and a lack of faith. Some believe actual disabilities are still lIke that. A punishment or test from God.

If his mom is on the that fringe, don't even deal with her. Is there anyway you can get his books out of there? I would not have your husband move them, because mom will bait him, and he doesn't need that.

If it was me, I'd call her up and say, "I know you find the books abhorrent, and I'll take them off your hands. We'll dispose them, donate...whatever." once the books are out of her home, it's none of her business where they go.

My husband's mom took the diagnosis quite hard. She is probably on the spectrum herself, and wasn't most attentive mom. She alot like my husband, but doesn't see it.
My husband's complaints with his mom are the exact same issues he has. Sigh.. he doesn't see the similarities and thinks she hates him.

His parents are religious and considered D&D and those type games flat out evil. We had a similar situation of getting his gaming items out of their home. There is no arguing with crazy, only cutting your losses.