Asperger's dating statistics

Post Reply New Topic

I certainly agree with you on one part. You really do have to put effort into it. I've heard so many people on WP, on other sites and in meatspace, I've heard so many people say "You should just stop looking and the girl for you will come along". Nonsense! I've spent long periods of time not looking and nothing happened. It's like all other areas in life, you won't get anything out of it if you put zero effort in.

And also I don't like it when people shame guys who use online dating. I think for those who aren't Casanova, online dating can be a practical way to get a date and after you've began dating, the rest of the business is still conducted in much the same way anyway.

My first instinct is to say "no" but it was definitely on my mind that I was on my way to being a 30 year old virgin when most guys I knew were getting married. I've almost "sort-of" wanted to get married even as a teenager but at that point I knew I had a lot to learn to reach that point.


Well, it's hard to explain: you have to put the effort in but you have to just naturally let things unfold. I think you are slowly getting on the right path.

I've been critical of online dating but the simple fact is that I would have NEVER met her if not for eHarmony. The key is to take it offline as soon as practical as flakes are everywhere online.

There is nothing wrong or to be ashamed of for using on-line dating. I know a few people who found their spouses that way. For Aspies it is probably even better in terms of getting to know each other virtually before you have to meet in person and possibly disclose your lacking social skills.

No, I don't want to accentuate the negative.

For many of us, the social skill problems probably are rather apparent once a prospective mate meets us in person. That is one advantage of on-line dating. They can get to know us, our personalities, what our interests are so when they do meet us for the first time, they will have already formed a (hopefully) positive impression of us.

It seems to me that many women aren't all that fussy about "social skills."

I believe the situation improves once one gets life experience. They realize people with uber social skills tend to be insincere.

It's usually the ones that are into etiquette--or into the Social Darwinist way of thinking--that are hung up on "social skills."

Yes, I totally agree. What attracted me to my Girlfriend was how eloquently she wrote about her desire for marriage and family and to find someone who shared those goals in her online messages as well as how sincere she sounded. She did NOT impress me in the first two dates but I suspected she was just Aspie-like, introverted, nervous, anxious or all of them. I was right. Again, criticize online dating all you want but I would have wrote her off as disinterested or emotionally unavailable had we not exchanged messages first.

Having said that, it begs the question of how many women thought the above of me?

And it doesn't help that on every online dating site, there are a lot more men than there are women, women are overwhelmingly outnumbered by men on online dating sites.

You're right. That girl still thinks we're destined to be together. I thought she was too for a while. I thought she would come back and I would let her but tonight we got into a bizarre argument. She acted emotionally and told me to chill. She made outlandish demands. Last week she said I was like a child and said I had to be like a man. I'm wondering why she won't grow up.But today, when she would fly off the handle at random stuff I said, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I'll admit, sometimes I am immature but not as much as she is. Sometimes I am a smartass but most of the times she accused me of being a smartass I wasn't trying to be one. The worst part is that she can act like this at me while being in Sydney, so I feel like I have to put up with her yet in other respects it's still like I'm single. She makes bizarre excuses for not coming over and I almost wonder if she's trying to lead me on. The only reason I don't think she's trying to deceive me is because I think she's deceiving herself.

And aside from her dreadful personality there's her looks. Not only does she weigh about 270 lbs, but she's even ugly compared to other fat girls. I mean, some fat girls have a pleasant round face, not her. She's unfit beyond what you'd expect for someone who weigh's that much. I used to weigh 300 lbs but I could still walk at a normal pace and pick up reasonably heavy objects. She walks so slow that for a while I suspected she'd sprained both her ankles. I feel like I can't go anywhere with her because she can't keep up. Even 270 lbs people can normally walk much faster than that. And I can't stand to look at her stubby fingers. I don't mean that they're chubby, I mean they're too short to be in proportion to her height. She's 5 foot 7 inches but her fingers look like they come from someone 3 feet tall.

I can't stand to look at her, some of my friends think I'm out of her league and yet when I tell people about it, they say "looks don't matter" and "stop fat shaming". So it's taboo for me to date an ugly girl but also taboo for me to care about looks. It's like our stupid society expects me to date a supermodel but also to have selected her without considering her looks. Like I'm blind to her appearance and it's just a coincidence that she also happens to be a supermodel. Anyway, when I'm single, I see guys on the train or on the street with their girlfriends and I envy them. You'd think that have stopped when I was in a relationship. Not with this girl. I envied them even more because they were with pretty girls and I wasn't.

I'll try to find a more sensible girl but in the meantime I'm still reluctant to cut off communication with her because it just feels like being back where I started. Back to spamming hundreds of girls online. It takes ages to get to meet someone in meatspace. It only happens a couple of times per year. The last two girls before this one stood me up. Several of the girls from my past were even worse than this one.

I just feel like I can't catch up with other people by going at half speed. One of my friends got dumped by his girlfriend and he got another one weeks later. Both of them were really hot. I don't like how close to 30 I'm getting. As ProfessorJohn said a few months ago, the average age of first sexual experience is 16 and my Stupid Flander's of a cousin got married when he was 26. Not to mention he's been a highly paid engineer since he was 23 (now he's a DINK). That's another thing I worry about. My career.

I can't believe that I said in front of everyone that I wanted to join the development team when I can barely do my current job as test analyst. I was trying to keep that idea in my head but there was a TV camera pointed at me so I wanted to keep talking so I wouldn't freeze up. I was interviewed by SBS. The only reason I thought of joining the dev team was to justify the degree I'm getting. The only reason I'm doing that is because everyone else has one and most of them got one younger than me! A few of the people I know even work in their field of study. College when I'm older is very different to how it was when I was younger. Different campus. All of the students are really antisocial, to me, to eachother. It's like a whole classroom full of hermits. The students at the other campus were more fun.

But really why would I think of joining the dev team? I'd be bad at it. In my current job I work slowly and get confused easily. So now I want a more complex job with harsher time constraints? The worse thing about software development is that they get paid slightly more than testers yet work much longer hours. I mean a few years ago when I swore I'd never work full time I also swore I'd never get into one of those 80 hour per week jobs. Now I'm trying to join one of the professions most likely to do have 80 hour weeks (I've got a plan to get around that though). When I was 23 I thought worker-students were masochistic fools. When I was 25 I envied them. Now I am one. Just because I think I can try to keep up with everyone. Yet it still won't make me a uni student at 18, a proffesional by 23 or married by 26. I know I said I would stop trying to keep up appearances but I can't help myself.

Anyway, sorry for using this thread in an attempt to cure my insomnia.
/rant

I don't know, it might work once in a great while that an Aspie special interest in socializing or dating is successful, but most of the time it is an uncomfortable failure. Asperger's is an inborn difficulty with other people. Putting focus into attempting to override an inborn tendency is not going to work, you're just fighting yourself. That would be like having brown hair, dying it blue obsessively, and expecting it to grow blue naturally. You need to be working with your nature, not against it.

One problem is that a lot of the special interests that Aspies have nowadays do not get them out and about and meeting people. Every Aspie is certain to have special interests that they like reading about, and there is nothing wrong with that at all, but what really will do a lot of good is if you pick up an activity that you can put all that focus into and get really good at. For instance - I absolutely love reading about UFOs, I know so much about them, but I don't expect some girl to just waltz into my room and be able to hold down hour upon hour of conversation about them with me. I also love getting outside and photographing nature - and that has slowly become my outlet for making a name for myself, meeting others and making friends. I know if I am ever going to meet my real match, it will be through that.

Aspies need to listen to the "You should just stop looking and the girl for you will come along" way more than anyone else, actually. Never make yourself desperate for someone else, especially if it involves taking energy away from something you are gifted at (your solitary interest) and putting it into something you have serious difficulties with (relationships). So, Aspies need to pursue their interest and then if someone joins them along the way, that will be how the relationship is formed, through the shared interest. The role that having shared interests plays in a relationship can not be underestimated - unless all you want to do with someone is have sex with them, you're going to need activities that you both love to do and things that you love to talk about, in depth.

I say all of this from experience. My ex-girlfriend, deep down inside, had different interests from me and wanted different things in life. As soon as this fully hit me, I broke up with her. Time should never be wasted.

(I know how much I'm talking in the second person, but it is not to anyone in particular)

yep cause sitting alone in your house all the time is going to cause some woman to fall into your lap. nop for those like me if you aren't out there trying to find a gf you won't find one.

that advice only works for social people, who go out and socialize a lot. who at activities will actively go talk to others, not anti social lacking social sit at home people. if it wasn't' for dating sites, women wouldn't' even know I exist

You didn't understand my post at all. My advice is strictly for people with AS. You're not social, OK, so you need to compensate your social shortcomings with some kind of ability or talent. I've always considered this as something that comes from AS but if that is such a foreign concept to you and anyone else on here, then maybe it either comes from something else, or you're not necessarily AS.

I said to get out there and do something you enjoy and are good at and people will notice you through that - not get out there with the goal of "finding a girlfriend". Again, using my example of me being a photographer - people understand me 1000x better when they find out that is what I put my energy into. It's the same thing when I do 4-digit multiplication in my head (not incessantly, only when necessary) I don't have to explain anything, they start to adjust their expectations to fit me, and that is when I start to feel comfortable opening up and being more personal with them. It's like a proud but subtle deceleration of AS - saying that I don't need to be pitied for my potentially embarrassing mental state, because I have something to show for it. Obviously people with AS give off that intense aloofness and when someone notices that and starts wondering where your mind is, and they find out that it is being funneled into something with tangible and impressive results, they'll like that and at the very least admire you.

I'm sorry but this whole "finding a girlfriend" thing is only how the most clueless of guys talk. You're embarrassing yourself. You're talking like women are some frontier and not actual people with their own individuality and existences. That attitude is all kinds of bad and way more a cause than the result of your loneliness.

so first aspergers is a spectrum, so just cause I'm not like you doesn't mean I'm not an aspie. we are all different some are similar to each other while different to others. but we are all aspies.

finding a gf is commonly used phrase. similar to finding a mate, or finding a romantic partner. has nothign to do with not caring about personality quite the opposite as finding a gf often requires looking for personality , common interest, etc. its not like the I just want to find some hot body to do it with. which would be only caring about the looks, sex or status of a gf.

reality is what is it called when one has a romantic female partner? a gf. so what do you call it when you are desiring and seeking one?
not all aspies have some great talent they are good at that can help them socialize and get to know people
a lot of us are just average. sounds like you've bought into that aspies have some talent and they need to use that to overcompensate for their other lackings. but this isn't true for all aspies. so useless for us who lack said talent.

be glad you do.

as for the rest of us. we struggle and find other ways often online dating.
never had anyone pity me. though I don't tell people I have aspergers. they probably just think I'm a bit odd. but most time find me funny so probably don't notice. while I do try to be funny sometimes, its not me trying but merely saying or doing something that I think is normal, but others for some reason find cute or funny.
like apparently me having two pairs of the same boot as my only shoes made this girl laugh. o.O i assume its because most nts have many different pairs of shoes for any possible situation. while I prefer a all around shoe that fits most situations.

although this does not literally happen, it feels like for women they can sit alone in their house and a man just comes to their door, mainly because women can solely rely on online dating alone as a way to meet men, mainly because I feel online dating is easier for women because men have to put forth more effort into their online dating profile description and have certain type of pics, if a guy takes selfie pics, it comes across as insecure, pathetic to women, if a woman takes a selfie, its okay.

RetroGamer87,

It sounds like you find nothing attractive about this girl. That is ok, we all have different tastes and such. I have been in situations similar to you and would advise you to move on. I think many Aspies see every relationship as their "last chance." I know I did-it is either this woman or be alone the rest of my life. Fortunately it usually doesn't come down to those 2 options.

I don't think you will be happy with this girl. I don't think anyone can be happy being in a relationship with someone they aren't attracted to. I had a couple of short term flings back in my early 20s and in retrospect I now realize I got out of them fairly quickly because I wasn't attracted to them and really didn't enjoy spending a lot of time with them. The sex with one of them was good but that was about it. The rest of the time I really didn't enjoy being around her very much.

We deserve to be happy! Getting into a relationship with someone who you don't find attractive kind of guarantees that you won't. Plus, you want to be available when the right one comes along. It is also unfair to the girl, let her find someone who does find her attractive so they can be happy together.

i kissed a girl three times. Another one once. So your stats are way off.