Flaky Aspie man - overpromising and underdelivering

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Hello, I'm going through a hard time as I've realized that the relationship I had with a flaky man with seemingly autistic traits needs to come to an end. Being Aspie myself, I tend to be somebody who is reliable and conscientious to a fault. He is the opposite, flaky, unreliable, has been promising to come and see me for months but never follows through (I have a knee injury but when I could walk I'd be the one taking a trip specifically to see him, given that I had more free time and flexibility) . I've lost all trust in what he says. The last straw I guess was when he forgot my birthday this year. In itself it would have been no problem whatsoever (given that he had never wished me happy birthday before anyway!) but it was the last of a series of let-downs where I felt totally uncared for. We've known each other almost four years and I never got a token of appreciation, a present however small, he'd say he had something for me for Christmas, I'd turn up with a bag full of gifts, he'd say thank you and give me nothing, not even say "I'm sorry I forgot your gift". In itself I don't care -at all- about getting a present, but it's this attitude of saying he had something and that completely forget that I find hard to take. Afterwards he revealed he felt very embarrassed not to have anything to give me in return. Still, I had to tell him how upset I was over it, my crying on the train back home etc., otherwise he would have not even explained that he had forgot the present in his drawer at work (assuming that's true). After over 14 months the promised Christmas present is apparently still there in his drawer. He has been very sweet and romantic - in words - but whatever he says, he usually doesn't act on it and to be honest when he recently constantly repeated he was looking forward to seeing me/couldn't wait to see me/that he intended to see me soon/that he was yearning to see me and "make up for his failings", I wouldn't even comment back as I automatically expected it wouldn't follow through. I think he is in a relationship and I know for sure he has a stressful job. I know I shouldn't have got involved with him in the first place but despite it all we hit it off at some level, it's just that I've lost any hope now due to the constant disappointments. What makes somebody say lots and lots of times: "I yearn to see you", and then do nothing to actually see you in the flesh? I keep going over this stuff in my mind over and over again and it's torture, it's affecting my sleep as I wake up early in the morning and keep replaying in my mind the whole story with resentment building up to astronomical scale. I haven't had any contact with him for 10 days and I just wish I could go back to my normal optimistic self and not feel so bad and sad about the end of all the hopes and promises. Thank you for any comments (not put-downs please!).

sounds rough. I'm on the other end where I do all that stuff and got in trouble.
still doesn't sound like hes the one for you, as he doesn't meet what you want out of a relationship.
hugs.

Seems like they could have a somewhat similar issue to me....sometimes I obligate myself to things I cannot live up to, and of course it disappoints people. Me and my brother have gotten in arguments about this..like I'll tell him I plan to come over and visit and will be there soon...when really I got some stuff to take care of and end up being much later than expected. So of course he gets upset and tells me 'you know if you're going to take a long time you should tell me that so I don't sit here waiting for you to never show up.' which makes sense I'd be annoyed if someone did that to me to. But I think it kind of stems from a fear of dissapointing....so I've gotten in the habit of agreeing to things before I am sure I am actually capable/up for it. There are times I make an obligation and immediately regret it because I know I'm really not up for it....but then I already obligated myself to it so I can't just immeaditly go back on my word....then I get stressed about how I will mange to do whatever it is, and/or what kind of excuse might be acceptable to the other person when I don't follow through.

I have adressed this with my therapist so hopefully I can learn to be more sure of myself and think before I agree to things or obligations. I guess I've just got it in my head I have to try and make everyone happy....like if I haven't visited my brother in a couple days I feel guilty like he must be missing me horribly...when chances are he's doing just fine with his other friends and stuff if I am not around and my not being there probably is not effecting his mood. Not sure what to do for your situation....I mean does this SO of yours want to work on it? Also would you be willing to accept it if he was more open about what he's up for and accept some dissapointment when he doesn't follow through...while he is working on attempting to become more assertive about his intentions and what he actually is and is not capable of. Also i don't like how I get somewhat resentful at people...because of my own internal need to please, so then I am frusterated that I feel people are pushing me beyond my means....but can't really blame them if I do not state 'hey you know I am a little stressed/got a lot going on so I need a little space or time to get things taken care of.

Sometimes people really do care for and yearn for each other but find themselves unable to meet each other's needs. Sometimes that works both ways, sometimes only one way. It sounds like in your case it is he that yearns for you but is not capable of meeting your needs. If you've talked about it and he knows how you feel, then there really is nothing more to be done: he can't be who he isn't. Of course you will feel sad and distressed about it; that is a normal reaction to developing feelings and discovering it just isn't going to work out for reasons outside of anyone's control. We tend to want to believe that love can conquer all, but that really isn't true. A lot of things have to come into line for a relationship to work out.

The thing to remember, is that if people really want to do something, they will, or at least try to. So, when people tell you one thing, but then don't follow through, this usually means that they really weren't sincere with you in the first place.

I have known a few people like this, and I would consider them "people pleasers", which means they have trouble telling people NO. So, instead of telling someone no when they ask about something, they tell them yes, to avoid confrontation, then weasle their way out, by not showing up, or following through with obligations.

Thank you for all your comments, they are really appreciated. Veteran I agree he is very much a people pleaser (and being a barrister he is very used to sugarcoating the truth), he wears his social mask very well but I can see through it and that's why our relationship lasted so long, despite being very far from what you would expect a "normal" relationship to be (assuming two aspies could ever have a standard relationship anyway). I think he is very impulsive and because of that he makes all sorts of promises on the spur of the moment that he is unable to fulfill later on, I also wonder whether sometimes he actually simply forgets that he made them or simply doesn't realize how upsetting an unfulfilled promise can be for me. There are times when I really would not care (like when he would say: I'll call you later, talking on the phone is not something I would want to do anyway so I'm quite happy when he doesn't follow through. His personality is typically aspie, anxious and rigid and so far I've been the more flexible. But I am now wondering whether the bad outweighs the good and even just trying to talk to him feels like a self-defeating thing to do (or an attempt to change him), and I know it would upset him because he has already told me "I'm a bad person". So talking to him about this various issues is just going to reiterate the message that what he has been doing so far isn't good enough and makes both of us feel bad. Perhaps if he knew he was an aspie, he would be kinder to himself and might actually realize that he doesn't need to make so many empty promises and justify himself so much. But he doesn't, and he would think I'm totally mad if I suggested he was.

You would be doing him a favour if you told him that you think he needs to get diagnosed for ASD. That would be the kindest thing to do (and you sound like a kind person), for him as well as for yourself. Deep down he may realise that he's on the spectrum but is in denial, - a very male trait - so of course he may dismiss your suggestion. You've been very patient with him for several years and put yourself through a lot of grief, but it sounds like this relationship isn't going anywhere. It's sad, and I feel for you, but there's not a lot more you can do.

Keep us posted.

Being spontaneous isn't always a bad thing, as it keeps things interesting, BUT too much of it creates a lot of problems. My ex, and most of her family, done everything on the spur of the moment, and they were horrible with following through with promises that they made. Not only that, you never knew when plans were gonna get changed at the last minute, or who was gonna drop in on you unexpectedly. You wouldn't believe how much chaos and confusion this created.

Yes on a rational level I agree I can't go on like this anymore. I think the main problem is that I can't keep repeating the same role, of the one who is forever understanding and patient, I'm tired of it and it's not allowing either of us to grow. Plus deep down I feel no urge to see him, which must be due to the accumulation of disappointments. I'm also a bit low due my knee injury. At the same time I feel I've progressed and unless he grows as well it's best to put an end to it. I have sent him an email where I talk to him openly and honestly, I don't know if he'll reply. It is sad but if we are not compatible anymore there is little point in keep trying. From a moral point of view, it isn't right that someone should be at the beck and call of someone else, it's not a respectful relationship.
Hyperborean I so wish I could tell him about Asperger but I feel I don't have that level of intimacy with him, particularly right now. If he comes back to me and wants to work things out, then yes I would maybe one day tell him when the time is right. I had already broached the subject once when I mentioned "highly sensitive people" and told him we both are. But if he doesn't even reply to my texts and emails, it means that talking about Asperger would fall flat.

Hello, just to give you all an update. He did reply and explained (like DW_a_mom suggested) he does mean everything he says, he likes to express what he feels in a spontaneous way, but then reality gets in the way. I was relieved to hear from him and he was his usual romantic self, at the same time I'm feeling much more cautious and questioning the sincerity of what he says, wondering if what he says comes out of guilty or compulsion/habit rather than real yearning for me.