Been seeing a possible Aspie, and I'm confused

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I was Googling around about Aspergers and stumbled upon this site but honestly, I'm not sure if my situation is even applicable or I am just over analyzing (maybe I have Asperger's myself?) - I've only been talking to the person in question for about two months. (Warning: it's an awfully long post )

So I met this guy who, at initial meet up, mentioned about how Disneyland would let people with Autism park at the front (or something like that) - and continued to say: and so I can do this since I have Autism. I do not remember how this topic came up but basically, I could not tell whether he was joking or not. I just brushed this off because I did not notice anything that would confirm this, or rather, I do not know what I should be looking for in order to identify Autism. The whole time I was interacting with him, he delivered jokes/sarcastic remarks but I could not sense them because his tone/facial reaction does not define it - and so I would ask if he was being sarcastic, and he would say yes. This was 4 months go. This guy and I hit it off on the first meetup and then we met again 4 days after. The second time, nothing seemed odd to me still. However, I did notice that the difference between this guy and the other guys I've met, he seemed more interested than them but he does not communicate (text) a lot when we are not together. At this point, I've learned that: he has very good memory, creative in the sense that he can write songs and perform (play guitar and sing), reads A LOT, listens to informative PODCASTs a lot, likes to be massaged A LOT (and likes deep pressure), he has "bursts of bluntness" (not sure how else to describe it) he is an introvert, has a successful career (went to ivy league), and likes helping other people out so he does volunteer work - these are things that I just picked out that may be indicative of Asperger's, now that I've read about it. I also picked up right away that he has insecurities. I don't know if this is relevant but his place is so empty - like he just moved in, it only has the basic furniture. He is very frugal, for example, he would boil his water instead of buy a filter or a dispenser. But, his place is really huge for one person and he has an expensive car - this is strange to me. Anyway, things went well, or so I thought, because after this I never heard from him - I texted him sporadically, maybe three times within the week that followed, but never got a reply. I did not contact him until 2 months later. But before this (this is a little TMI, but it may be relevant), let me just add that no "homebase/homerun" action went on, though it got somewhat physical, so he could've been on shutdown mode, or he was just being a plain a******.

Fast forward to 2mos later (New Year's), I texted him with a one-liner "Happy New Year" and he responded with a greeting and asked who I was because "he lost his phone and all his contacts". At first I thought this was some lame excuse, but to be fair (is what I convinced myself anyway), we only met twice and he had no obligation whatsoever to explain. Still, the "I lost all my contacts" statement turned me off and I tried to end the conversation on every reply that I sent but he seemed oblivious to that. He was obviously enthusiastic about talking to me again like nothing happened and and it's as if he didn't disappear. He kept asking questions and eventually asked to meet to catch up. So we did.

Since then, we saw each other once a week for about 2 months (except for two weekends because he was sick and I had other commitments), with each meeting being a whole day affair, and talked over the phone about once a week (lasting about an hour to a couple hrs). Still, he does not text a lot like the previous ones and if he does reply to mine, he usually replies with he's been busy or he's been stressing about something - any other random texts are rare, and that's only when I initiate. I also noticed that his calls were mostly him venting about something - about family or his job, or something that he needs to make a decision on. on this 2-month period, I learned that: he does not seem to care about dressing nice so much (but he drives a nice car) and his choice of music is more of the oldies (soothing type - he does not like EDM, maybe this is noise to him?), note that he's only in his mid-30s. He's had roommates but they left because he said living with people has been a problem for him since he is very "peculiar" (he has lived with girlfriends in the past). He likes to be able to have a quiet and orderly place when he wants it, and does not like his things to be touched. The longest relationship he's had is 2 years and he says most of the ones he's been with were mentally ill, as in clinically diagnosed - I am still baffled by this because he said his boss is bipolar and he said he knows because he is good at detecting those things. Also, at this point he's mentioned he has Autism maybe two more times so I finally asked "do you?" but he did not respond. I still couldn't tell if this was a joke or not. There has been a couple of times when he was attempting to park at a handicap spot and he would say "I'm mentally handicapped so it should be ok" - one out of two times, he did take that spot. I've mentioned jokes which he does not react to completely - not even a facial expression to tell me he thought they were lame. Sometimes he would chuckle in the middle of me saying something even if it's not funny/amusing. I just now recalled that he has said a few times that he felt insulted by so and so - and when I asked why, apparently he picked it up from some joke which I thought was just typical humor amongst friends. I thought to myself that he was just being sensitive. There was this one occasion when he was talking about a coworker being let go and said "i really really like that girl, she is funny. Now I won't get to hangout with her anymore. She is one of my favorite people at work." Now, I don't know what he meant by really really like but did he not realize he was talking to me? And that even if it didn't mean anything, I might misinterpret this? He has also mentioned that mental illness runs in his family. Again, I do not know how he came to this conclusion but I am sure that this was not meant as a joke because he was talking about some family issues which he was complaining about. I'd like to point out that he makes eye contact, which contradicts the symptoms of Aspergers. He is also very affectionate and chivalrous (he is definitely not shy about PDA, it can get uncomfortable sometimes), does this not contradict the symptoms as well?

So, after those two months of seeing each other, I had to go on a business trip overseas (for a period of one month). Before leaving, he's mentioned the possibility of visiting but I am not aware of any detailed plans he's made (I don't think he did, but he definitely played with that thought since he was asking about my schedule, location..) - I wasn't sure if it's appropriate for me to ask him to make this happen since it's only been two months. There's no "seal the deal" that ever occurred, verbally or physically (let me just put it that way , this guy has been really patient I must say).

Fast forward to now. It has been 2.5 weeks since I left and I have not heard from him for about a week and a half. Since I got here, he has asked whether I got here safe and we agreed to talk on my first weekend through video chat - but I never heard from him that day, no call and no text. I asked if he was ok the next day and said I waited for him, hope to hear from him soon.. Etc. no response. I called, texted and emailed (ok, I panicked a little). I did call him out for deleting an app that we were supposed to use to communicate (voice/video call) through text in a calm way (but then texts dont have emotions). The next "series of texts" was the following weekend just telling him what's going on with me and again asking him if he's ok, but still no response. For some reason, this prompted me to read about Autism, which led me to Asperger's.. And then to googling "asperger's disappearing act"... And then to this site. I must admit that this is more of me finding justifications for his actions (because I do like him). I work with a lot of men (most of them are "pigs" for lack of a better term) and so I'd like to think that I am capable of identifying a-holes. I do think that this guy is a good person, but I am not so sure if this disappearing act is actually him telling me otherwise and I'm just being naive. Or maybe he is on shutdown which is apparently typical of Aspies. so this leads to my question: are my observations enough to say that he is an Aspie (and I am just maybe dumb to not accept the fact when he mentioned Autism?) or is this situation too shallow to even make a conclusion? If he is, I want to understand better. From my understanding, if he is on shutdown mode, he will not initiate contact so I have to do it. But then again, I don't even know if that's the case. Regardless, and worst case scenario, he has a few of my stuff and I don't know how I'm going to bring it up.

Thanks in advance!

I'm not sure what you're asking here.

If you're asking whether anyone here thinks this man is autistic, he told you that himself when you first met, and according to you has mentioned it a few times since then. Unless you have evidence that he's a compulsive liar, then why not simply accept what he says about himself?

If you're curious about how autism affects him as an individual, then ask him.

Edited to add: It seems that you haven't heard from him in a week and a half, and as you're away, have no way of contacting him. See, if that happened to me, I'd be worrying about a car accident or sudden illness or family emergency. I'd not be leaping to autism as the explanation.

Thanks for your reply Marcia! I think the whole message (or question) got convoluted because I got so caught up talking about my observations. My question basically was if they were enough to judge that this man has ASD (Apparently, Aspergers has been removed in 2013/2014), see, I've only been talking to him for 2 months. While I have no problem if this were the case, judging from what I've read so far (but I still need to understand more), I also cannot conclude that he's not just being an A** (and if this were the case, it is definitely not ok). I'm going to need more time to figure out if he's a compulsive liar, but I figured maybe I can seek help with regards to the Autism part. One out of the few times he has mentioned Autism, I did ask him directly and he did not respond - neither did he laugh or smirk or whatever. At this point it has been 3 weeks since I last heard from him and I can accept the fact that he has Autism - but is this even normal given that? The odd thing is he checks my messages and seem to be waiting for them even (through the app that I asked him to download for us to communicate) but he never responds.

I understand your point about considering something more serious like a car accident/family emergency... but there is no way for me to find out since he would not talk to me. We do not have common friends. I did try to reach out through email, actual phone call and left a voicemail asking if he's ok and if everything else is fine on his end but got no response. I've been attempting to contact once a week for the past weeks in an attempt to encourage him.

Either way, I left some of my stuff at his place and will have to bring this up somehow when I come back, but not so sure how to approach it.

It is frustrating but thanks again for reading.

Sounds like he's telling the truth, to me. I can't help you with why he's avoiding you, though...maybe he doesn't like to text, or maybe he's had another issue with his phone, or maybe it's something else, I have no idea.

I know, personally, I don't like to text. First off, I don't have a cell phone, and second off, I always feel like when I do text someone (via AIM, for example) that I'm inconveniencing them or distracting them from what they are currently doing. If I really need something, I'd rather give them a call.

Being on the spectrum doesn't make it impossible to make eye contact, it just makes it very uncomfortable. Some of us, especially with lots of practice, can maintain it long enough to at least appear somewhat social. I know I find eye contact much easier with girls I'm dating, and on an unrelated note, I've heard some people mention that it's easier with other people who are also on the spectrum.



I haven't heard of any of those things being symptoms, unless you're talking about hypersensitivity to touch (which some people can be hyp-o-sensitive). Touch can be tolerated (and desired) if it's not by surprise, and if the pressure is not too light.



Yes, but as far as I know, most people still call it Aspergers.

Thanks SabbraCadabra..

I've read more about Aspergers after my post and I agree that he has Autism. However, it has been a month that I haven't heard from him at this point and so I just created a new thread, basically wanting to know how to approach him to ask for my stuff back (under the assumption that he is not interested anymore). He has been reading my texts and has been checking in the app from time to time but does not respond and it is very frustrating.