I dont want to have friends, I just want a relationship

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Hello there, this is my first post so if this is in the wrong place then please move it

Anyway, at the moment i'm studying at university, but I am on my final year, the people in my course, I am sick of, I think when it all finishes I think I will only keep in contact with 2 people if that. I havent even bothered to contact any of my "friends" (people from college) for a long time. Sometimes I think I would be happier without any friends completely as I just get too anxious thinking about others. I get really depressed sometimes that I am on my own, although I coundt care about making friends, I just want to find a girlfriend and continue with my life. I'm not sure if this sounds confusing but thats what I want. I'm scared of my future, I dont want to end up being some kind of hermit, 50-year old virgin type of person.

I'm now starting to hate my old friends for not contacting me, as soon as they post anything I hate to social networks, (As in, Look where i'm going, look at this!) I get really annoyed and unfollow/delete. I just can't cope with anybody doing this, or even walking down the street holding hands with another person as it flags to me instantly that there showing off, and then I hate them entirely.

I hate my life and I want to change, I have no idea how, I just want to get a relationship, get married and fade away from the world.

Truthfully it sounds like a raging case of envy of anyone else who's happy? Not criticizing, I feel envy of happier people sometimes too. But this can only make me alone and miserable so I consciously fight against feeling this way.

Remember that girls are social creatures. If a girl is sizing you to determine if you're boyfriend material, one of the criteria on which she will base her judgement is by how much will being with you increase her circle of friends. The more friends you have, the more girls will like you.

Also, the more friends you have, the more chance some of them will introduce you to their friends and their friends, some whom might be single girls.

Hmm, thats very true but them problem is I don't know how to make friends, the people I do know, i talk to them every so often and its hard for me to consider people "friends" and also I don't actually know any girls at all (apart from one online) I don't have trouble talking to girls at all, its just finding them really...

You sound very unhappy. Honestly, I think you need professional help. Not just because you don't want to have friends. Everyone's different that way. But you say that you hate your life. Find a counsellor or therapist who has experience with Asperger's. (I assume you have Aspergers, since you're on this board.)

Finding a girlfriend usually involves friends in a way, I think...? I know whenever I was in total isolation mode no girls would have anything to do with me but as soon as I start laughing and joking with people suddenly it makes you more attractive. Girls like that sort of thing.....not ALL girls of course, but the ones that also don't want any friends are usually too busy hiding to be easily found *shrugs*. That, or EXTREMELY shy.

You can't assume you're going to be forever alone when you're 22 (or however old you are) even though it may seem like that at the time. Because a lot can happen 5 years from now and you're not always the same person 5 years later. Like me 5 years ago, I was very shy and I couldn't even talk to someone at all and I thought it was going to be this way forever but as I got older, I started to break out of my shell more. Talking to girls is still hard for me but I definitely was a lot better then I was 5 years ago. As you get older, you will begin to mature more and things will gradually get easier and easier. But you also have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone sometimes and that's not always easy if you have social anxiety.


Also you never know when you will meet that special someone who you really connect with. It could be 5 years from now, 1 year from now, or even 1 month from now. You never know and it could happen in the most unlikely places, just make sure you take advantage of it when the opportunity arises. You don't want to miss out on being with this special someone as you may not get a chance like this for a while if you're on the shy side like me.


Finally my advice is don't make it your top priority in life to get a girlfriend. You should focus on other things like developing your talents or doing what you enjoy doing. Find girls with similar interests to you because it's easier to talk and connect with others with similar interests. Most aspies arne't the greatest small talkers but when it comes to our interests, we could talk about that all day. Just be yourself.



By the way, happy April Fools Day. Assuming you're trolling, well done. If not, then okay.

I've been placed on a waiting list for aspergers diagnosis, although the problem is that I am on a 6-month waiting list. I assume I am creeping up that list but its still going to take some time. I have been having thoughts that I am depressed and have moodswings (Few times a week, bipolar?) So I am planning to go to my doctor soon to see if its worth me being put on some kind of medication



Hmm, I understand what your trying to say although because of frequent moodswings, I can be okay (Playing games etc) Than another, really desperate. For the past 3-5 years, I havent had much drive to do anything, I have been doing my Uni work painfully slow, (at this rate I want to get it over and done with it) it sometimes hits me that I dont want to do anything at all and just sit at my computer with only the desktop.
Anyway. I've had a few moments where I wish I could turn the whole girlfriend thing off, so I can get my work finished and hopefully get a job where i'm happy, but I find it really hard.

I know the feeling.

Unfortunately, it seems friends are one of the BEST ways to meet people (and potential girlfriends).

It sucks but it's true.

If you have very few friends it will be hard to meet any possible girlfriends.

So, it's working against you here. You have to look like a social person to attract social attention.

You can go the whole 'shy, mysterious' guy route and meet some good girls/women, but it's less guaranteed...

I understand. My mum dragged me out the other day to the care place which is supposedly going to help with my diagnosis, they do a meetup every week aperently to help peolple socialise, I am going to give it a go. Although my problem with it is that it is a all male group. When I finish my uni course I will attempt online dating and try to contact my old friends who I havent talked to in a long time and see what I can get out of that, but I just get too anxious sometimes. For example I was talking to a friend the other day and decided to meet up with him next week, I am now having second thoughts and thinking about cancelling as I'm scared i wont be able to handle it

A good start might be to change your perspective from jealousy and hatred to being happy for others' happiness. They're not "showing off." They're living their lives as happy people & are proud of their accomplishments, successes, and relationships - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It's not what they're doing that's upsetting you. It's your thoughts about what they're doing. Thoughts dictate emotions. Change your thinking about & perceptions of others and you'll feel much better about seeing them do their thing.

As for having a relationship and no friendships.. well, that works for some couples. Maybe you'll find someone like that who only wants to spend their time with you and doesn't care to have friends outside of their romantic relationship. However, I'd think that you'd want to have several friends first in order to hone your social & relationship skills before putting them to the test in a "more than just friends" relationship.

Neither do I. I just wait for people to make friends with me. You can make many friends that way but if you want to get a girlfriend that way, it won't work after middle school.I've seen these socially anxious girls on dating sites. They're happy to chat online but social anxiety prevents them from dating so nothing ever comes from it. They're smart and articulate yet they have very low self-esteem. Their profiles and their chats are filled with self-loathing. Some of them are very pretty yet they don't see it. They don't want to date me because they think I will think less of them. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think highly of them and don't hold them in lower regard just because they have social-anxiety. I would tell them how beautiful they are but I can't think how to do it without it sounding tacky, without it sounding like I'm just trying to flatter them. Anyway, it's very hard to compliment someone with low self-esteem. They never believe you.I hate to be the sower if discord but I must disagree. All things in life take effort. If the OP focuses all his efforts on other areas of his life then in those other areas of his life he will be a success but not in this one.

It would be better, both for his experience and for his self-esteem if he starts making an effort now. If he starts now that won't guarantee instant success but even if it should take him five years to learn the ropes then that five years must start now.

It's better for him to gain experience while he's still young because the older he gets, the less tolerant girls will be of inexperience. It's better for his self-esteem for him to start while he's still young because it would be better for him to find success some time within the next few years rather then when he's fifty years old.

If he gets to that age, even if he finds the love of his life, he will already have spent more than half his life alone. Even if he becomes a regular Casanova, he'll still compared to a certain movie staring Steven Carroll.Well then you have far more drive than I did when I was your age. When I was 22 and for years before, I refused to set foot in a university.Your desire for a girlfriend? Turn that into your motivation to study. Girls are attracted not only to guys with friends also to guys who are successful.

I'm not trying to imply that all girls are shallow gold diggers or that you need to be a millionaire but the fact is, girls are more concerned about raising a family than guys and to do that, they don't need a millionaire but they need someone with a middle-class professional income.Don't wait until you've finished your uni course, do those things now.

I can't tell you the number of times I've gone on a dating site and seen a nice young lady in her late teens or early twenties and yet I couldn't contact her because she she was seeking only men age 18-24. Once you turn 25, you'll be cut off from a large fraction of the girls on dating sites.

Lack of motivation? Mood swings? Let me ask you, are you taking any medication? Some of those meds can cause such problems.

For years I was on these pills, I thought they were helping me but they were holding me back. They made me feel exhausted, unmotivated, apathetic and very anxious. I felt I didn't have enough energy for work or study. I lived in a haze.

When I stopped taking the pills, it was like waking up from a dream. I had ten times more energy than I had before. I had ten times more drive. I had ten times less anxiety. I feared nothing except idleness. I went from feeling exhausted all the time, from sleeping 'till noon and still feeling tired, to feeling alert, energetic, driven, able to wake up early without feeling tired. I went from being unable to work or study to both working and studying, to working five days per week and yet still being able to attend college.

If you're on any type of medication, try stopping for a while and see if you improve. For it to be a fair test, you must stop for long enough for the withdrawal symptoms to pass.

At the moment I am not taking any medication, although I have been having thoughts about seeing my doctor to see if its worth me being on any, I have no idea what to do on that front.

Regarding the previous post, I understand that it my be worth looking on dating sites now (And I think I will) I just don't know what I should do, as in, do I go and find girls and message them? or do I wait for messages to come to me? Because I dont think I have the guts to be outgoing and message anybody

I do think that if I do get in a conversation with a girl, I can actually talk well with them without going awquard and instantly going into the thoughts of (ugh, does she like me etc) I know this because of theres one girl on my course at university I can talk to and at one point I did make friends with another girl a few months ago (Although when I asked her out she said no and I stopped attempting contact at that point. Long story)

Anyway, I think my main problem is that Im thinking that my time is running out to find a relationship before either I get worse, or the whole scope changes where I am thought of wierd for never being in a relationship at a older age than normal.

Most girls are, but some girls aren't.


Neverthelss Mr.Warmo, I do think that right now you should try to hang out with friends and not worry about a relationship. Worrying about it won't help and it will actually hurt because that makes you seem desperate.

Since you're in your final year at a University you need to be focusing right now on your next step and not on a relationship. Once you've made the transition, then you'll feel more relaxed sounds like a case of senioritis anxiety.

Yes but as Mr. Warmo already knows, those girls are impossible to find because they're always by themselves and nowhere near him.I would recommend dexamphetamine. It should boost your energy and speed your studies. Duromine and Phentermine are also good ones to try.You should message them. Yes, sometimes girls do message guys but that might not happen to increase your chances you should message girls. Even go so far as to spam girls. If each girl has a 1/1000 chance of being the one, you should message many per night to better your chances of finding that 1/1000 girl.Some girls won't message you back but none of them will be offended. They expect to be messaged on a dating site. It's just like how I used to have difficulty overcoming the touch barrier with girls. I couldn't touch girls even in a nonsexual way. Eventually I learned that girls like and expect it and that it's an indispensable part of the pair-bonding process (something about melatonin in the girls brain). Anyway, back to you, you have to learn that girls like guys just as much as guys like girls. Girls want to be with guys. Some girl will want to be with you (so don't disappoint her). Girls can also dislike being single. Some girls can even get very depressed about being single.Well at least you asked her out. When I was your age when I knew a girl I'd like I wouldn't be able to work up the nerve to ask her out and then I'd spend years wondering if she would have said yes or not. Now you know the answer to that question for certain. If a girl has a 1/100 chance of saying yes, then you're one step closer to that 1/100 girl. You've eliminated 1 of the 99 who'd say no.Since when is it a problem to be right about something?