So I'm new
02 Apr 2015, 9:14 am
Hey guys,
As you can tell I'm new here. The reason I sign in for this forum is because I want to get to know me a little bit better.
This may sound weird but I'll explain: For 3 years now that I know the autism spectrum and aspergers. I was always a little weird as a kid and had some crazy things going on with me but since I grew up in a messed up home I always thought that those issues were related to that. As I grew up some things became less present but some aggravated and some just kept popping up. Things go to a point were I needed answers. I started to look at my behavior and analyzing it as best as I could and at that time. 11 years old me used internet and books and all that and came up with a little theory about having dyslexia and maybe something else. It made sense at the time, since I was just a kid and just getting to know about the mind and neurology an wanting to get help because I knew something was up, and that something was wrong, that something was making me feel wrong. At the time I shared my research with my mom and for some reason that I don't blame her for, she ignored me and told me in her way that I was just being hypochondriac and wanted attention she could not give me. At least that's the message I got and it just made everything worse. My self confidence just went down, I started having troubles in school (I used to have bad grades but these were behavior issues). I started to get picked on by kids in my class I started to close myself and regress in all the social things I had learnt till that point. Teacher started calling home, telling my mom that I had problems socializing and that I was being picked on and that I was not social and believe it or not they also said that I needed to act more normal so I could avoid that. So once more things got more and more complicated for me because I didn't understand what was going on. Yeah I had some things going on in my life that would make me feel and behave this way but not as much and not as hard as I would. I eventually started to realize what was weird about me what was different, what things people said I did wrong and started to try to correct or suppress them. I found ways to keep myself motivated and challenged. My grades went up and I got a lot of interests and new skills. And for some years I was able to do that and even though I never was able to get a normal social life I wouldn't have problems with other people, instead of a target I just got invisible. But as any teenager I would try to make friends and have a social life and every now and then things would end up messed up and crazy and I would end up right back in that place.
Now I'm 22 I have some ups and downs, some major some just mild but I think that I, being the way I am make a hard thing something terrible, and even unbearable. I have a couple of people that I consider being close friends and in more than one occasion they point out my behavior my emotional state as something not normal. I always blame my childhood or something else that happen to me but honestly when I got to know about autism 3 years ago everything started to make sense. Now I know why at age 5 I used to cry myself to sleep thinking my parent were going to die because people get old. Why I used to only be able to use that one jacket that felt right even though everyone teased me about it. Why I would obsess with some new subject and take it to exhaustion. Why I can't walk alone on the street without headphones on. Why when I'm stress or trying to concentrate I instinctively rub my palms against each other. Why every time I hear a loud noise I feel my hears move and why I can ear any electronic device when it's on. Why I get so highly frustrated and angry every time I walk with someone and they don't move they way I want them to move
. And a lot of other things that just make sense.
Like I said I lnow for 3 years but I never got into it. I never was able to get into it. I guess because I'm afraid. I'm a afraid to expose myself to being called hypochondriac and looking for excuses for not being able to grow up. Afraid to tell people. Afraid of the way people may look at me a stop taking me serious. I don't know. I just never told anyone or looked for anyone until now.... So Hi?
02 Apr 2015, 3:18 pm
Hi,
This is really weird. I just made this decision because I have something bad happening to me right now and I'm struggling to deal with it in a proper way. I'm still getting to aspergers really hesitant because even though it makes total sense and I know it for a while that this is more than a possibility I still kinda make other people's thoughts my own. Maybe this is just me trying to make sense out of something or maybe like I've been told it's just me trying to get away with growing up or having attention. Deep down I know it's not like that but I've been let down and discredited for a long time now and it's hard to give up those thought, it's hard to face the answer.
Since I'm here just by reading about other peoples experiences and lives I've been felling so safe and relaxed in a way that makes me a little uncomfortable actually because it pushes me to get more answers. Professional answers maybe. But like I said, I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I'm dead afraid of any outcome I imagine.
And yes do feel lonely too. Depressed, sleep deprived and lonely in a way that nothing seems to make it right to make it go away It just feels part of me and yes it does get better here...
I would like to hear more about you too.
Thank you!
AnonymousAnonymous
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Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 70,190
Location: Portland, Oregon
