How long before you ask a girl out?

Post Reply New Topic

OK then. The first girl is the one who was afraid to meet, even in public;

What are you doing right now?
I'm at a bar
With friends?
Yea
In the city?
Yup
Do you go there on weeknights too?
No
Which bar is it?
Enigma
Wanna meet me there next Saturday?
Lol no thanks
Have it your way.
Stranger danger
That's fair enough. But it's a public place after all.
Nah I'll pass
Thanks bro
No worries.

If that was me:

What are you doing right now?
I'm at a bar
With friends?
Yea
Okay I'll leave you to it, cya.

Who chats to other people while out with friends? Pretty rude. Anyway, her answers were all short and disinterested sounding, I don't think she was invested at all other than passing the time (while hanging out with friends? *shrug* people are weird). Did she ask you any questions at all? Never ask someone out if they haven't expressed interest in getting to know you.

Also, this is definitely IM. Try messaging with paragraphs, more like emailing than chatting (if you are on OkC they are separate functions of the site). There could be a day or more between messages, this is normal. Each message is more thought out, it allows you to tell some things about yourself and ask questions of them.

Thank you for your analysis. This kind of insight is helpful for me.Ah. I never knew that before. Bare in mind, a lot of the girls I chat too are on Oasis, which is different from OkC but when I'm on OkC I'll remember that.

What follows is my conversation with the perfect girl;

If big pharma causes problems why are you studying pharmacy?
because that was meant to be a joke. 3:
That's a relief. Sorry, I've spent too long being barraged by nutty conspiracy theorists.
What do you play on your 3DS?
Just animal crossing and pokemon occasionally. I don't want to spend too much of my time on video games!
Fair enough. I can't play games as much as I used to. Nowadays my time is taken up by my job and night classes.
Tell me, what is the most interesting thing you've learned studying pharmacy?
We don't know how a lot of drugs work, especially the psych drugs like antidepressants, antipsychotics. We don't even know how paracetamol works -- but statistics don't lie.
If we don't know how they work how they discovered?
intuition and millions of dollars
Will you be joining those researchers or will you work at a pharmacy?
definitely clinical pharmacy... a lot more personal and research has never been a thing I have considered. what about you; what are your ambitions?
At the moment I work as a software tester. Employed by HP but contracted to DHS. I'm taking classes after work for software development. My plan is to join the dev team at either HP or DHS. Since I'm already working for both of them that means I already have my foot in the door.
So do your studies consume of all of your time?

That's the story so far. Any insight from you or anyone would be very helpful.

I am genuinely puzzled as to how you can call a woman you barely know "perfect girl". She sounds far from perfect just on that one message alone.

It also goes without saying that most women on dating sites are looking for an ego boost, are not emotionally available or are ambivalent towards a relationship. It's usually pretty obvious once you know the signs.

I think it is pretty obvious what she is looking for! Hint: not a relationship.

hope you're not basing that on just the looking for friends. okc starts every profile on that and most people forget to change it or don't even know its there.

Mostly based on her appearance. Also she's really smart.What flaws did you find in her message?So she's only looking for an ego boost?

Good point Sly.

What do you mean? I always meet in a public place for a first date when I meet someone online. It's safer and it puts the girl at ease when meeting a stranger.

My advice to you would be to get to know the girl as a friend until you feel comfortable to suggest having a drink one and one to one basis and see if anything develops before asking her to be your gf.

Good luck!

Oh yes, it's definitely the best idea. What I meant was that if it is being pointed out to the other person, e.g. "don't worry, we will meet somewhere public" or "let's make sure we meet at a public place", that kind of thing, then in my opinion something is already going wrong in the conversation. It shouldn't really need to be said.

Good luck finding your needle in a prickly, itchy haystack.

Fair enough. I was going to meet her first. I just hope she's willing to actually meet with her.

As for asking a girl to be my girlfriend, I didn't used to think that was necessary to ask but a while ago I kept a relationship going for about six weeks (on life support) and I found to start with I actually did have to ask her. After two dates I assumed I had to ask her. After the third or fourth time she reluctantly said yes. I now know there are some things you can communicate without words but some things need words, even for NTs like exgf.

Yeah. Maybe the girls on OkC are nicer. Maybe. They're a bit more talkative at any rate. As for Oasis, that's where exgf came from.

Your two conversations are very revealing. First, I would be extremely surprised if either agreed to meet up after those conversations. Secondly, as I mentioned previously (and yellowtamarin mentioned), I would highly recommend using the message feature on OkCupid rather than the IM...you just can't get to know someone effectively through IM or texting.

In the first conversation, it was pretty obvious that she wasn't interested after her first reply. In the second one, other than your very last comment, it seems very surface-level and superficial. Each question/reply is like a sentence or less, with very little detail. Most of the questions sound more like questions to force the conversation to keep going, rather than to actually get to know the other person. You need to really dig down into a few details so that you "know" each other somewhat before meeting. It's hard to tell if she's interested or not based on her responses...I would have said no, if not for the fact that she asked you a question in her last message.

The best thing to do is to be straight-forward and ask. If she says yes, great! The worst that can happen is she says no. In that case, distance yourself a little and take some time to recover. It hurts but you need to move on if that's the case. Just let them know that you'd still like to be friends at least (if she wants to be friends of course), but that you need to have some time to get over it.

Because chatting is a waste of time, even if you chat with her for months, it won't change the dichotomy of the first date, she either likes you or not. Her knowing your personality in depth doesn't matter nor it adds to your attractiveness, it may only decrease it, not increase it.

Besides, a female on dating site always have way more options than you; so if you are putting energy in chatting one let's say for 2 months, she would be seeing guys every week during these 2 months while the pooryou putting all the focus on her, hoping for this one girl and thinking you're building some bond with her like an naive idiot lol. While you are posting long posts about her on WP and analysing her words, she's probably setting now dates for the next weekend, each day for a different guy - and you are just one of hundreds for her.