On Asperger's and empathy

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We got a dog last year (a miniature poodle puppy). The dog does not like to be hugged, and makes his displeasure known by growling, but my recently diagnosed (with 'mild' Asperger's) 12-yr old still tries to hug him whenever he’s nearby. The dog will tolerate the hug for a couple of minutes but then gets tired of it and that's when he starts to growl. The dog doesn’t seem to mind when we (the adults) snuggle him at all – it’s just my son.

When I remind my son that the dog is not a ‘hugger,’ and that he must respect the dog’s feelings, my son says the dog is irresistible and he can’t help wanting to hug him to show him how much he loves him. I then explain that loving someone means respecting their feelings, even if you’d rather they felt a different way.

I then say something along the lines of, ‘The dog is learning to associate you with negative things and if it continues I’m afraid your relationship with him will be ruined. I’ve explained this every way I know how but it’s not working. What can I say that will help you respect Jack’s [the dog’s] feelings?’

His answer? ‘Nothing.’

I’ve asked the psychologist who diagnosed my son to weigh in, and she says she thinks he’s craving sensory stimulation and that ABA therapy might help. We’re on the waiting list for an intake appointment but I’m not sure what to do in the meantime.

It’s frustrating because even though we have talked about it a hundred times, he still doesn’t respect the dog’s feelings. Not only that, but one of his chores is to take the dog out the first thing in the morning, but he refuses to do it until he gets his hugs in, no matter if the dog clearly needs to go outside.

We’ve finally started implementing a rule that if I have to ask him twice to take the dog out he loses 15 minutes of electronics time, which seems to help, but I just don’t understand why he doesn’t care about the dog’s feelings when he professes to love him.

Is it the Asperger’s? The OCD? I honestly don’t get it.

Has anyone else had any similar experiences and/or found a way to successfully work with their child on this? Thanks.

P.S. Perhaps of interest, he loves playing, 'Ark: Survival Evolved' and lost all the animals he'd spent hours painstakingly 'taming' the other day due to a glitch in the software. He said losing those animals was even worse than what he imagines it would feel like if we died.

(1) I'd suggest moving this to the Parenting forum. It seems more relevant there, and you can also get specific advice from moms/dads on how they dealt with a problem like this.

(2) If you're considering ABA, that's your choice and the circumstances are your circumstances. But let me provide you with a short letter on ABA and a family's experience with it: http://www.astraeasweb.net/politics/aba.html.

(3) I don't know your son, and I don't know how "empathetic" he is, but I'd talk to him again. This is a nice segway into how affection (with pets and people) can be expressed in different forms, and that he can show his love for the dog by feeding him, scratching his stomach (if the dog tolerates this), etc. My point is: communication is vital.

(4) If he is craving sensory stimulation, there's an excellent website run by aspies called "Stimtastic" (http://www.stimtastic.co/). The website is full of stim toys and ways he can productively get the stimulation he needs.

I want to remind people that ABA is simply a means of changing, create new and stopping some behaviours. The problem is not with what ABA is, but rather the philosophy behind some clinicians.

I have done extensive research in modern ABA, and the treatments go from learning to read, to understanding perspective-taking and key skills to learn in life. Yes, the history of ABA is grim, and MANY MANY ABA centres have despicable standards. To the same extent, there are many awesome centres out there doing amazing work. So do be extremely careful and picky about where you go. Ask about the treatments. Tell them you rather them to use a positive approach rather than a punishment based approach. Make sure you let them know to not disallowing stims. And you can likely see amazing help for the kid. But ya, many places are horrendous, and is unethical.

^ I completely agree with this. Just wanted to advise you to research your local ABA before signing your son up.