A question for Aspies in Long-Term Relationships...

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I've been wondering about something, but I'm trying to avoid skewing my data, so rather than place my assumption in the question, I'd like to ask instead:

For those of us who are in long-term relationships (married, living together for >3 years, produced children, been together but can't have children for one reason or another), how did you meet your partner?

(And yes, if there are any gay men or lesbians reading this, I'm curious about how you met your SOs, too. It's applicable to my thesis.)

I'll start the ball rolling -

I met my first wife back in the days of Bulletin-Board Systems, in the mid-'80s. I was going by Timmorn Yelloweyes then, on the Omaha BBSs, and she was Blondi (although she didn't realize she'd spelled it the same as Hitler's dog). Some of the BBSers were also bowlers, so I'd go hang out at the alley during their league play, and play video games. A charming little boy kept coming over and interrupting me, and I'd have to take him back to his mother repeatedly. Finally, I just stayed there.

Ten years later, when she realized I was never going to be rich and pamper her, she left me for somebody she thought would. (I have no idea whether or not she was right - in true Aspergian fashion, I immediately gave up trying to reach her.) I was hanging out on the chatrooms for AOL at the time, including one regional chatroom (I was in San Diego then, going by JonS760). TuathaSoma and I started chatting, although of course it was a long time before I understood she was flirting with me. We met in person at a picnic organized by the chatroom leaders, following the primary rule for meeting folks from the Net - lots of witnesses, and lots of exits. After she broke down my reserve again, I started, for no reason I can recall clearly at the moment, to sing Tom Lehrer's classic "Poisoning Pigeons In the Park". She joined in before the end of the second line, and we sang it as a duet to the end. I knew any woman who'd take the trouble to get to know how to reach me, and who knew the Tom Lehrer songbook, had to be the right partner for me. Well, it's been almost ten years to the day since then, and so far, I seem to have been right!

So, how's about y'all?

We met in 2000 at college, in Film Club. I fell for him almost instantly but he was in love with someone else. Eventually, after experiencing my first ever romantic relationship (4 weeks) we got closer and he asked me out via e-mail when very drunk. It took a day to ascertain whether he meant it or not and about 2 years before I truly believed that he loved me.

We're now virtually the same person. I never get bored of him and I love him with all of my heart.

Met my partner and father of my two sons through the work placement my father was at with his college course. He was one of the senior computer techs in charge of assembly when I met him.

I met my wife through a mutual friend,when were both about 16 years old,and we occassionally crossed paths over the next several years.We even briefly corresponded when I lived in another part of the country.One evening,out of the blue,she invited me to a small gathering of friends.I came very close to not even going that night,and we were both awkward and needed a hearty alcohol buffer.That was fifteen years ago,and we've been together since.We bonded over creative interests,as well as similar sensitivities.And lust.

Um...lets see......
I met Flakey through mutual friends....one of them was a crazy friend of mine (bi-polar, Schitzotypal, with some kinds of AS qualities)...who sorta had a crush on me....he called me up one day to rant and rave about a friend of his was opening up a coffee house on Yale...and I did not know whether or not to believe him due to his sorta tenuous grasp on reality....

Then there were these other sorta friends of mine who ended up working for Flakey's herb business...I had worked with them in the past helping organize May Day parades...they were cohorts of this dumb fella "M", who I was kinda obsessed with for 5 years...(most of the time we were on the outs, but occasionally he would take advantage of my affections and use me as his rebound girl)..Now they were starting a sorta "anarchist/activist" community center....blah blah blah...(Flakey sorta inadvertantly supported this place (called CAC) that ended up being open for a few months by employing most of the people who ran it.... ....But i didn't really know him...he would show up at events with his girlfriend and her teenaged son....And this was during one of the times when I was sorta dating "M"...so I was around the place...

(i may get parts of the chronology wrong here)

Anywhoo........um.......Oh yeah....there was another mutual friend (an ex-boyfriend) who's band played at the coffee shop Flakey had opened 5 blocks away from where I lived...and he was always trying to talk me into coming to see his band...and that is what eventually drove me to check the place out....oh yeah...i dropped off a sock goat I had made for Eric's birthday..so that he would pick it up when his band played there.....because i had to work....This might have been what sparked Flakeys interest in the sock creatures.....and I guess that is when i formally met him..that is also when we realised we had a whole bunch of mutual friends...including my (crazier-than-me) friend and all this other stuff.....

My next contact was when he showed up at a CAC fundraising art auction and "won" most of the several elaborate sock creatures I had made for the auction...this is where I mighta gotten mad at him because he told me I shouldn't have cut my hair...and I thought he was being blunt for someone who hardly knew me.....and I had not asked for his opinion...

Anyway to make a long story short...I ended up on the outs with "M" and ended up working for Flakey and in working for him I started hanging out as a friend with him and his girlfriend/business partner.....Flakey and I had all this stuff in common.....akwardness and social anxiety, a love for toys....especially musical toys....lots of mutual weirdo acquiantances....we both played music..I was not interested in him romanticly.....and I was pretty much oblivious to the fact that he was interested in me....and apparently was telling his girlfriend certain things I had no idea about....or was in denial of.....meanwhile.....their relationship was spiraling in increasingly rocky directions...It was messed up and rocky to begin with apparently......I might have been partially to blame, but on the surface...for a really long time, I truely had no idea....i just kept getting invited out to do stuff with them....ALL the time.....I even rode in a van with them to North Carolina...and it was his girlfriend's idea......at one point it seemed like they kept me around because they were less likely to argue if there was a third party involved...
He set up a recording studio in his garage so we could record music together....he started a sewing circle thing in his coffee house so that I would be prompted to hang out there and sew all the time.....his girlfriend said she was so happy that Flakey had found a "playmate"....ahem....
I was sleeping on their couch all the time

Then, all of a sudden he was planning on starting up a new venue....(Super Happy Fun Land)

umm......yep.....

There is alot of drama that occurred...I stayed mostly in denial till the last minute...as things began to escalate, I tried to stay away and kept getting begged to come back.....

They had a huge violent bloody fight at Mardi Gras....and i guess that is when they broke up....and I would up with Flakey.....drama scandal...drama drama scandal.....
She went back to Houston and burned all our sock creatures in the fire pit.

We have been together for 4 years and during that time we have broken up twice, both times for several months......despite that, it is the best relationship either of us has ever been in.

Match.com

I met my ex at work...

I worked in a little convenience store and he came in all the time. He asked me out for 2 years but I wouldn't say yes...he was a "wild one", liked the girls and liked to party hard on the weekends...too wild for me.

We used to talk quite a bit...mostly about cars (one of my weaknesses)...we were talking about Charger's one day...two days later he rumbles up in a mint 66 cherry red Dodge Charger...comes to the counter and says..."NOW, will you PLEASE go out with me!"

Someone should have stopped me. But we did have our good moments.

Overly simplified version...
First spouse:
I tuned in to weekly free-form (audience participation encouraged) college radio show that he called into. After several months, the host/dj said that J & I should trade #'s, then we arranged to meet at coffee shop. J was trying to leave a relationship (I'll skip the sordid details) & I'd just had a long-distance thing end. We were each what the other needed. Few days later, J moved in with me. Fast-forward 4.5 years, we got married (Aug. '99). 4 years after that, J became unhappy & announced desire/intent to leave. Divorce was final in early 2004-no kids, he wanted them & set off to find someone willing to have them. He knew how I felt about that before we got together, but his feelings changed-curious that he was the one with the "biological clock".
Current spouse (not married bc. then I'd lose my healthcare coverage, etc.):
C was a co-worker (for a few months) of J. We met a few times when J would have various co-workers over to socialize. C liked me, (though I had no idea) but he saw no point in pursuing that feeling-since J & I were "solid". Late 2003, C was in the area & J said go see her (me), she needs a friend because we're splitting up. C & I talked and over course of a couple months became close. C's been living w/me for almost 2.5 years, and he's wonderful. I was dx'd ASD after J left, wouldn't have made a difference. C is okay with my dx, since he liked me for me originally-before either of us had heard of this label, or that it applied to me.
That's the shortest explanation I can provide for this much-longer personal saga.

His wife introduced us. We talked and immediately committed those "social taboos" talked religion, philosophy, etc. Very deep conversation. then he asked me out. <snip> We went out the next night but I was creeped out that he was married. So, I said, "thanks but no thanks".
He soon left his wife (he was leaving her already) and a couple of months later, we got romantic. the next year we were married.
there was a "prequel" that I found out about later. I had met his wife through a friend and she suspected I was after her fling (she openly dated other men). So, I was unknowingly and unwittingly her rival. She would tell her husband about me, in what she thought was a derisive way. But it was attractive to him, so he had already wanted to meet me, I didn't know he existed.
We've been married 10 years.

My wife is the sister of a guy I was in the Army Reserve with.

He and I were down for an army course, but because we had a gig (we were pipers (bagpipes) in high demand for army functions), we had to drive ourselves there, rather than go in army transport. I picked him up from his house and met his sister.

About a year later I saw her again at the annual Regimental dance (I wouldn't have gone except the pipe band was part of the show). During the evening she dragged me up to dance. A while later I asked her out and ....

About 2 years later (1987?) it was nearly all over. She thought I was not paying her enough attention, so started flirting with someone to try to make me jealous. Didn't work and she thought I didn't care .... and then someone she knew started hitting on me ... (nothing happened) .... - laugh about it now.

Anyway, still together. Been a few ups and downs.

Met the first one "J" when she was working as a waitress at a pizza place next to where I worked. I'd nip by on my lunch hour, and finally got a clue she was flirting. We hit it right off, and I should have dropped her like a rock soon after, but had never heard of 'bi-polar disorder' back then. She would be all smiles and sunshine, and have a coupla pints. Most times, no problem. But sometimes, for no predictable reason she'd turn into a raving she-werewolf ! !! Most often, it was in a pub, and the police would kindly drop by to provide her with overnight lodging.

Met the present one when I was attending a very small non-denominational church, and she sat down beside me. I liked her, but she thought I was a bit of a flake. I pursued a realationship, kept asking her out, and the next thing ya know: seventeen years married ! !!

sounds pretty much like aspies meet their partners sort of randomly, like anyone else. no secret, no trick, sadly for me.

My husband and I were chemistry majors at the same time. I'm 2 years older than him, but I was doing the long version of getting my degree (I was a single mom.) We never really talked in class. He was/is very very quiet and keeps to himself mostly, and I am loud and obnoxious and mostly keep to myself. Ha ha. What a great combo. Anyway, I didn't have a computer, so I had to go use the chem dept computer lab to write my papers and lab reports. I went there instead of the other campus labs b/c it was really small, I could turn off the lights if I wanted, and if anyone else was there I already knew them 90% of the time (usually it was empty.) I used to bring my son and try to get him to sleep on the floor in his sleeping bag. Almost never worked. Anyway, my future husband was there a lot, but we didn't really talk. I thought he was really weird. He had a labre piercing and always wore a black trenchcoat. And not talking didn't help those things. (I'm sure most aspies can commiserate w/ him, even though I'm loud and obnoxious myself.) And I guess I shouldn't talk about LOOKING weird since I had electric blue hair at the time. Anyway, I was there one time w/out the kid and I was having a hard time getting the paper to print. I was standing and I was bent over the keyboard changing the settings and my back went out, I guess it was a muscle spasm. I couldn't move. So I was basically spazzing yelling Ow MY BACK! And Marc came over and gave me a back massage and then cracked my back for me. We've been together ever since and everyone always says we're a perfect couple. We've been married for 4 years. 5 in July. My oldest son, who will be 8 in July was 18 mos old when we started dating. And we got married a year and a half later b/c I told him I wasn't moving to Indiana unless I was married. He's a grad student. I can't wait to leave this godforsaken place. Anyway, things we have in common are mostly weird things. He introduced me to Tom Lehrer (in a previous post about poisoning pidgeons.) and Bizarre magazine. We have very similar parenting ideas, which is VERY important when you have kids.

I met my current relationship partner at some friendship/dating site which was free for females but he had to pay to respond to me.I dont remember which one it was.I had been out of relationships(other then an occasional hook-up with an ex-boyfriend)
For almost 8 years an thought I was done with "all that" but put an add in that I think scared off the sanest(and least appropriate subscribers....yeah).

I said I was an expunk with tattoos but had gotten rid of the mohawk and piercinGS.That I enjoyed reading anything but romances,liked dumpster diving and thriftstores and collecting stuff,made weird "art" and hated fancy restaurants and social events.I also mentioned that I was interested in a Jewish looking Buddhist who wouldnt try and change me

There was a bit more but the jest of it was that I let my freak flag fly and was surprised that anyone responded.It took us awhile t actually meet in real life and even longer for me to trust that he was who he said he was...but it is working out very good.He doesnt believe I have AS,certaily doesnt think he does....I'm "just" an eccentric artist and he is just a typical nuerotic Jew.I guess as long as he doesnt try and change me I wouldnt quibble over the labels.

I like your story Krex. My husband is a Bu-Jew as well.