imposter syndrome and the fear of seeking a diagnosis

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So many things!! !
I don't want to get myself into too much trouble but please don't think that because someone has a phD or MD that they know everything. Even the GPs specialize. It's surprising sometimes, how little they know when you come well armed with information.
So to directly respond to your original post, I can't imagine you're an aspergers imposter if your Modus Operandi is color coded symptom diagnostics charts. Just sayin', if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck.
(I can't believe I made it through that with no autocorrects ) and to make that sound less NT idiom, it sounds like you may be ASD, friend.
Your post sounds so familiar, to me, and to my dismay/ delight, to others as well.
It's crazy that the American healthcare system gaslights us into thinking that we shouldn't be evaluating our own symptoms. If we didn't, how would we decide we needed to see a doctor? Don't we go to a doctor knowing that something's not right? Often we know what it is! Why is this different than catching the flu? Or having menstrual issues, or any other physical thing?
Because they control it, and well, if given the opportunity, humans will screw anything up. Cue the American healthcare system.

I've been on the journey for diagnosis since summer. (For myself, and kids) Each time, I end up with a counselor, not qualified to diagnose. They all agree, I'm ASD.... but, my assessment referrals are denied as "not medically relevant". (Please insert your choice of curse words here)
I KNOW I have Asperger's. You know how I know? I took the assessment multiple times and got the same result.I even made a list of WHY I answered each question the way I did. I've spent hours researching. I've cried BUCKETS of tears over the last 6 months watching Tony Attwood lectures on YouTube. I have internalized my existence for 42 years. I've journaled. I've studied the other humans. And I've concluded it is statistically unlikely that I'm one of them. I just *know*.
Am I still gonna get that diagnosis? Yeah! I am. I'm going to keep pestering them with all my questions about my life and existence until they validate it like parking in a big city.
I'm done playing NT games by NT rules. I exist, you exist, and that's important. Now I want to exist in peace by my rules, with my consent. Now that I've had the dis/ pleasure of reliving the entirety of my life through this new lens, I'm not going to just say, " yeah, ok, everyone as they were. " I can't. I shouldn't have to. I wish I could be ok with my self diagnosis, but I've spent my existence needing to be taken seriously, It's a burden I don't wish on anyone. But seriously, I had a bad experience with a previous, unrelated diagnosis. I came with white papers. I was not wel received....
If you bring research to a doctor's appointment, especially your "establishing care" appointment, you might be autistic

I’m super late to responding - shortly after I posted my original response, my aunt passed away… the next day an uncle passed away… and a few days later, my grandma passed away. I had a rough couple of months last year, and didn’t go in for my evaluation until July-August.

I ended up getting evaluated for ADHD first and held off on the autism assessment because I wanted to see if I trusted the evaluator tbh. The ADHD assessment was covered by insurance while the autism one wasn’t, so I figured “well let’s do the freebie, see if I feel seen/heard when talking to her, and if it goes well regardless of if I get a diagnosis, I’ll schedule the ASD one.”

Pretty much it was a long test where I can kinda tell she made her mind up within 5 min about me. She wasn’t talking to me like a patient but more like a kid being silly and she was humoring me, and the end result was “you meet all of the criteria for adhd but those results could be due to your overwhelming depression and anxiety so we’re not giving you the diagnosis” which was a little baffling tbh. (I did find it interesting that on the IQ test part of it, I was pretty much above average for everything EXCEPT mental flexibility. I got way way below average on that, which is p much saying “your brain is stubborn and rigid” and to me sounded like it’s a point in the ASD column, but what do I know lol)

I ultimately ended up deciding not to get evaluated for autism at that time, figured the diagnostic process would always be there if I wanted to give it a shot in the future and I could research for an evaluator who would be used to diagnosing adults and not just children. I’ve been working through my grief + working on getting comfortable with being self-diagnosed and getting over my imposter syndrome, because I think my intuition is right and I think my judgement is right. ESPECIALLY after everyone’s support, kind words, and similar feelings on this matter. (Thank you so much for your responses, everyone!)

So, just in case anyone on here happened to be curious about this - I’m going to learn how to trust myself and my judgement, I’m going to keep using what works best for me (noise cancelling headphones and earplugs have been LIFE CHANGERS, holy s**t), and I’m going to be kinder to myself and tell imposter syndrome to shove it

Diagnosed 1 year ago at the ripe old age of 62 .

Initially I doubted the diagnosis after years of "masking " but I'm now discovering who I really am and its liberating.

No regrets .

The lack of understanding of autism across all services is dumbfounding - The Scottsmen
Chrleen Morton, Chairperson of National Autistic Society Dundee Branch

Hi, I'm new WP user, I created my account after seeing lots of relatable stories on here
I can relate to an oddly large amount of people on this forum, but probably substantially younger than most (for privacy reasons not disclosing exact age but will say I'm a teen)
I've been researching (possibly casually but possibly obsessively, I can't tell) and slightly suspecting that I'm autistic for the past ~1/2 year, and every free test I can find online says it's true, but I might not be "autistic enough" (or something like that that some NTs probably will say) and haven't found the guts to tell anyone, so I decided to post something here. I've had pretty excellent grades in my whole educational career, shy girl with small social life and passion for dance/music. Any possible/random advice welcome because I don't know what I should identify as and the imposter syndrome is always annoying

I hope you have gotten your assessment done by the time of my writing. Just know that you aren’t the only one having doubts or feeling like “faking”. When I first raised the issue of an assessment, I was dismissed by my usual doctors because I was “not intellectually challenged” and that I “looked to be well off”. I had then abandoned the idea, because maybe I am “not autistic”. But a friend of mine who is an AuDHD, asked me to get a 2nd opinion from a different doctor. And lo, and behold, I was diagnosed (I am at 31years old now). My first diagnosis was bipolar but the medication made me feel even more detached and “zombified” more than I already am feeling “alienated”. I had change medication and still nothing works for me. Only after my new diagnosis, I was taken off anti-psychotics (for bipolar), do I feel more “alive” in a sense. It was an “Aha” moment for me when I was found to be autistic. Although I do suffer from depression with anxiety distress, everything from childhood until adulthood finally made sense. I am still struggling with accepting my new diagnosis because of self-stigma (I don’t have the stereotypical traits of medical models on autism) but I am learning every day through books and forums and influencers that “not one size fits all. We are all different personalities but we are still all autistic.” Cheers to you!