(C-)PTSD Thread

Post Reply New Topic

One of my friends had a MH crisis today, and while I absolutely would do anything to support them, it just makes me feel more alone.

Why don't people jump up when I'm having a crisis?

And I know it's selfish to think that, but it just feels lonely. Borderline PD is f****n' painful, it's the same kind of pain people feel when a loved one DIES. Because we're afraid of people leaving us, so the grief IS, to borderlines, tantamount to a loved one dying.

It feels like I can't rely on the people I care about most to be there for me, at least not when I'm having a MH episode. Because I've f****d up too much to be able to do so in a healthy way with them, because I've overstepped boundaries too many times when in crisis.

Also, I think maybe part of the problem is that I see my friend group as more of my family than my actual family. I kinda treat them like that, too, I think.... in the way that us autistics take everything literal. Maybe I'm expecting too much of friends by treating them like they have the same kind of obligation as family does.

Understand the feeling of aloneness .. when in most any MH crisis, NTs and many other types ND, whatever .
Are afraid of peoples mental health issues on a private basis . Fears on the burden of the responsibilities of other
troubles . As growing up , had learned later on . that very few feel that same empathy as a other , a bit more sensative person might. And in older families you are taught not to discuss others mental health issues but rather ignore it .
As they may feel a sense of responsibility...for it . And will actually start to avoid people whom express MH concerns .
Even if you go inpatient for MH issues it maynot work out ?. No Law to be compassionate,just stabilize the patient .
Get a bed free for the next one ..? Truley Lucky to even find someone professionally that will seem to have Empathy.
But its not all Dark ! once in a while ,you might get Lucky and find a willing ear . .They exist , I have met them
Best wishes .. Life can be a rough road . Some parts of the road maybe longer or shorter .
Not sure if this might just be a cultural thing ?

I hate it when I can't trust people. I really want to trust people but then when someone does or says just one little tiny thing that is inconsistent and doesn't match up to other things they have said then my trust in them completely diminishes and that's it for me. I just lose all faith in that person.

It happens on here/on line. Like I read what people are saying (I don't mean people's political or religious beliefs). I like to read people's personalities and it's nice but then I'll see an inconsistency (and it might only be the tiniest of things) and I can never ever trust that particular person again. In My mind they are just beneath contempt.

I think this just goes back to childhood stuff where there was absolutely not one single person who I could turn to because...well because I just couldn't.

It's ruined my relationships throughout my life and not to mention my work record

I'm hyper vigilant. I literally remember everything that people say to me and it's like I'm an animal just lying in wait for them to say something that doesn't match up to what they have said before.

My other big issue is that I don't just walk away when this happens but I take it personal. It's like they are doing just for my benefit so I think then that it's my purpose in life to call them out, bring them down and fight them to the ground. I actually don't think I'm being irrational when I'm doing it either because I feel as though I'm more than justified in my actions and this is where it becomes dangerous. This is why I'm in therapy.

My PTSD has made me into the worst possible version of myself. The physical threats of violence I have made to people who I have worked with and the actual acts of violence I have committed are as a result of this disorder and are as a result of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and neglect.

I hide myself away. I hurt myself. I treat myself like absolute sh*t because I'm repeating what others have done to me.

I'm almost catatonic with anxiety on some days. It's like I can't function.

And to top it all off the people (they're not monsters but flesh and blood human beings) who have done all of this to me have got away with it all because I'm only just remembering it all (I have DID) and everyone who did all of this are either untraceable or dead.

That sounds so difficult. I don’t think most people realize how pervasive and long-lasting problems caused by trauma actually are. It’s not our fault.

I know what you mean and experienced what you’re talking about regarding people online to a certain degree. I think it’s a challenge because eventually we run out of people. We all have off days where we might say or do something we don’t really mean. Maybe we were drunk, high, misunderstood what someone said, or were in some sort of crisis.

With me offline, I have no friends because I can’t trust anyone enough for that. I’ve been hurt too badly by people who were supposed to be my friends. It’s a bit easier for me online these days because the amount of damage people can do is less extreme, especially since there are mods here.

It’s harder to resolve misunderstandings without being able to talk about them privately, not that PMing is necessarily a good idea. I have nothing but positive thoughts and feelings for you and hope that I’ve not offended you in any way.

I'm just venting and I didn't know where to put it

I know that I have to change the way I am because I know that I can't change the way other people are. In my rational mind I know all of this but rationality can easily go out of the window with this disorder as you know.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not a child anymore as well and that the things that happened to me back then that I couldn't do anything about aren't going to happen to me now so really I have less to fear. But the fear is still very real as if I am still going through it.

Maybe i could offer , some thoughts ? idk you nor you me . But unfortunately all those experiences you have described, It seems to me that we may have common experiences ? < verysimiliar> Was quite far away out there , In trying to heal, came across info. that influenced me towards ,trying to learn ideas about being my own parent..Kinda like using my own thoughts to try to nurture my own inner self ( ? child.) . And moving forward with all my mind , as if . i were taking care of that(( child )) . And things to protect her...mentally , of course physically. In all my interactions ..
It became second nature .. but still did the odd stuff , self medicate.. see doctors, but with a different mind frame.
Am not sure if any of this will help you ...but if you think this stuff I wrote might serve you in your healing, Just thought I would offer it . ( best if you forgive people whom wronged you , in order for you to more forward more easily )
but you absolutely do not have to forget . If you do not wish to. Hopefully Some Peace will follow you on your way .

Thank you Jakki. I appreciate your help.

I struggle with being kind to myself because as soon as I'm kind I somehow end up harming myself really badly. In fact the last time it happened I was worried I'd done some permanent damage still am worried.

It's an every day battle for me and I do self medicate as well. But I've kind of stopped for a while because I need to feel again. Weed just numbs the pain. That's good for a short while but if I don't feel the pain then I don't think I'll properly heal in the long term.

I was doing so well up until last week and then something happened and I found myself back at the start again.

It's normal for people with CPTSD to struggle with interpersonal trust issues. It's actually one of the defining characteristics, along with feeling guilt and shame, or having emotional flashbacks. Rest assured that what you're feeling comes from years of living in an unsafe situation, and developing a dysregulated nervous system.

If people you used to trust suddenly seem untrustworthy, and you're also struggling with self-harm and other trauma triggers, you might be somewhere in the middle stage of this autonomic "ladder":




I'm usually the Dorsal stage myself but when I go to the Sympathetic stage I get very suspicious and anxious about any anomalies I find in my environment. That's because I'm being hyper-vigilant and scanning for danger.

It can be easy to spot "danger" or perceive deception on WP because we're able to read and reread posts. That makes everything seem "real" when the words don't change or go away. In contrast, if we were having a verbal conversation and we heard something that didn't make sense we might brush if off or doubt our memory. Online, it's harder to brush things off because we can go back and read them in black and white. When the words in a post seem to suggest a disconnect with other posts, it can cause us to create "doom loops" or panic that we're somehow being duped. Then it's easy to put up our defence mechanism to protect ourselves from being hurt, without ever knowing the facts.

Rinse and repeat.

It's happened to me before but I think I'm getting a little better recognising the pattern and dealing with it. I've learned to ask questions or clarify as much as possible when something seems off. Usually if I speak to the person directly and ask them about it, I feel a lot better. Sometimes people don't explain everything online because of their personal privacy, and what seems to be a glaring lie or outright BS isn't that at all. It's like we're looking at a big puzzle but we don't have all the pieces because people don't share every detail about their lives. If they did, those pieces would fit together perfectly and you'd realise they aren't out to deceive or manipulate you at all.

A very short video on shame after abuse. Relatable.

Yeah I'm ok. Something really serious happened in my life about a week ago and it just set me back but I'm seeing T tomorrow so I'll probably be ok. Thank you

I struggle with self harm as well and admitting it here is a huge deal I thought it was a thing that your supposed to grow out of. Most of what I read on line seems to centre on young people, I finally told a mental health nurse only a month or so ago. I honestly thought they might look me up but she wasn't shocked, and said that is a huge problem in adults as well but that it is not an illness in and of its self, but a maladapted coping mechanism. If you would like to talk please reach out cant promise any answers but I am a good Leissner

That's the only thing with me that goes against my diagnosis of PTSD. I don't feel shame or guilt even. When I do remember things from the past I just feel so f*****g angry that they have got away with it.

I have all the other symptoms though. I think because I get psychosis with it it might be a bit different. Idk

Yeah it is a relief for me to be able to speak out loud about my self harming issue in a safe environment. I was worried at first because I thought I would get locked up as well. It does still worry me to an extent because I'm totally honest with my T about everything so when I tell him I'm worried I might kill myself by accident I think that I could be sectioned or something but if he thinks I'm a danger to myself in that way then he's only doing what he thinks is right but I doubt it would come to that. At least I hope it won't.

I think it’s good that you didn’t experience shame. It took me a long time to get angry. Well, I directed the anger inward which played out as shame. I suspect that my religious upbringing contributed towards my experience. There was always a lot of victim-blaming going on and anger was treated like a sin in its own right. Now I think anger (in moderation) is an important part of the grieving/healing process as long as it’s not excessive or hurting other people.

Yeah it's taking me a long time to learn how to use my anger in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else.

My mother is one of the worst human beings (imo) to walk the planet and she abused me in the most heinous of ways but I just never got the guilt or shame thing. I'm glad. I think it means I don't feel any kind of obligation towards her.