My neurodivergent boyfriend doesn’t like having fun with me
05 May 2023, 8:16 pm
My boyfriend who is on the spectrum loves to fish, go clubbing, play sports, skate and have sleepovers. He does them with his friends all the time, but when it comes to me he always has an excuse or tells me “we’ll do it soon” sometimes after some pushing he finally says he doesn’t want to do it. It makes me upset and jealous because he has so much fun with his friends and tells me all about it, but when it comes to me, he only likes to go out to eat. I’ve tried asking him, telling him it upsets me or making a solid plan and it doesn’t work. Is it normal for ND people to have certain plans reserved only for friends and certain plans reserved only for partners?
05 May 2023, 8:20 pm
You say nothing specific about wanting to do the things HE enjoys. Do you? Are you willing to go along and actually enjoy the things HE likes to do with his friends? Or do you feel that he should be interested in doing only the things YOU like to do? Please clarify.
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05 May 2023, 9:00 pm
Here is the DSM criteria for an ASD diagnosis, maybe reading this might help you understand your boyfriend a little better or give you an idea of how you might change things.
Quote:
DSM-5 Autism Diagnostic Criteria
A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive, see text):
B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):
C. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).
D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.
E. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.
Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.
A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive, see text):
- Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.
- Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.
- Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.
B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):
- Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).
- Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
- Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interest).
- Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).
C. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).
D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.
E. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.
Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.
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05 May 2023, 9:16 pm
Fnord wrote:
You say nothing specific about wanting to do the things HE enjoys. Do you? Are you willing to go along and actually enjoy the things HE likes to do with his friends? Or do you feel that he should be interested in doing only the things YOU like to do? Please clarify.
Yes the things I listed are things he loves doing with friends, but I also like doing them and would love to do it with him. I always show interest by asking questions and telling him “let’s do that together I would love to experience this with you”.
05 May 2023, 9:33 pm
IsabellaLinton wrote:
He has sleepovers with his friends?
Things might improve if / when he starts high school.
Things might improve if / when he starts high school.
Yes for example if they have a night out drinking they sleepover at his place or when they go to his cottage they’ll spend the night there and return in the morning. He’s 22.
05 May 2023, 9:37 pm
Oh OK.
I wouldn't consider that a sleepover, but more like "crashing" at someone's house.
If you aren't happy with your dates you might want to reconsider whether he's the right partner for you.
I could be wrong, but I doubt it has anything to do with him being autistic.
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FleaOfTheChill
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05 May 2023, 10:06 pm
Lia1206 wrote:
My boyfriend who is on the spectrum loves to fish, go clubbing, play sports, skate and have sleepovers. He does them with his friends all the time, but when it comes to me he always has an excuse or tells me “we’ll do it soon” sometimes after some pushing he finally says he doesn’t want to do it. It makes me upset and jealous because he has so much fun with his friends and tells me all about it, but when it comes to me, he only likes to go out to eat. I’ve tried asking him, telling him it upsets me or making a solid plan and it doesn’t work. Is it normal for ND people to have certain plans reserved only for friends and certain plans reserved only for partners?
My knee jerk reaction is to say that it doesn't sound like an autism thing, but a crappy bf thing.
But then I thought about it a second. I have to ask, does he know that you don't expect to go on every outing with him? I'm not sure how his head works, but he might be afraid of not having any time alone with his friends anymore if you two start doing those sorts of things together. Maybe try stressing to him that you don't want or expect that stuff all the time, but some of the time would be awesome. I dunno. Just trying to work out why he would be dismissive and that's the best I got.
If you've done that already and he's still not being receptive to your thoughts and feeling, it might be time to think about moving on from him.
05 May 2023, 10:57 pm
FleaOfTheChill wrote:
Lia1206 wrote:
My boyfriend who is on the spectrum loves to fish, go clubbing, play sports, skate and have sleepovers. He does them with his friends all the time, but when it comes to me he always has an excuse or tells me “we’ll do it soon” sometimes after some pushing he finally says he doesn’t want to do it. It makes me upset and jealous because he has so much fun with his friends and tells me all about it, but when it comes to me, he only likes to go out to eat. I’ve tried asking him, telling him it upsets me or making a solid plan and it doesn’t work. Is it normal for ND people to have certain plans reserved only for friends and certain plans reserved only for partners?
My knee jerk reaction is to say that it doesn't sound like an autism thing, but a crappy bf thing.
But then I thought about it a second. I have to ask, does he know that you don't expect to go on every outing with him? I'm not sure how his head works, but he might be afraid of not having any time alone with his friends anymore if you two start doing those sorts of things together. Maybe try stressing to him that you don't want or expect that stuff all the time, but some of the time would be awesome. I dunno. Just trying to work out why he would be dismissive and that's the best I got.
If you've done that already and he's still not being receptive to your thoughts and feeling, it might be time to think about moving on from him.
I was assuming it’s an autistic thing because I know some autistic people have routines and hate change, so I was assuming he’d hate to do something with me that’s reserved for friends only. He says he likes to spend more time with me over his friends(they hangout twice a month while we hangout 2-3 times a week). So I suggest us to do those things when we plan dates. He’s told me in the past he’d love to do those things with me and we bonded over similar interests, but now that I’m dating him all he likes doing with me is going out to eat or occasionally watching a movie.
06 May 2023, 12:52 pm
Lia1206 wrote:
FleaOfTheChill wrote:
Lia1206 wrote:
My boyfriend who is on the spectrum loves to fish, go clubbing, play sports, skate and have sleepovers. He does them with his friends all the time, but when it comes to me he always has an excuse or tells me “we’ll do it soon” sometimes after some pushing he finally says he doesn’t want to do it. It makes me upset and jealous because he has so much fun with his friends and tells me all about it, but when it comes to me, he only likes to go out to eat. I’ve tried asking him, telling him it upsets me or making a solid plan and it doesn’t work. Is it normal for ND people to have certain plans reserved only for friends and certain plans reserved only for partners?
My knee jerk reaction is to say that it doesn't sound like an autism thing, but a crappy bf thing.
But then I thought about it a second. I have to ask, does he know that you don't expect to go on every outing with him? I'm not sure how his head works, but he might be afraid of not having any time alone with his friends anymore if you two start doing those sorts of things together. Maybe try stressing to him that you don't want or expect that stuff all the time, but some of the time would be awesome. I dunno. Just trying to work out why he would be dismissive and that's the best I got.
If you've done that already and he's still not being receptive to your thoughts and feeling, it might be time to think about moving on from him.
I was assuming it’s an autistic thing because I know some autistic people have routines and hate change, so I was assuming he’d hate to do something with me that’s reserved for friends only. He says he likes to spend more time with me over his friends(they hangout twice a month while we hangout 2-3 times a week). So I suggest us to do those things when we plan dates. He’s told me in the past he’d love to do those things with me and we bonded over similar interests, but now that I’m dating him all he likes doing with me is going out to eat or occasionally watching a movie.
TBH, it can be a bit hard to know sometimes if you haven't got experience. And since we're such a small portion of the population, it's pretty easy to not have the experience to have a good sense of it.
I would also remember that if you don't set a specific timeframe on the request, he may not realize that he's not living up to what you think the agreement was, or what you wanted it to be. As long as it hasn't been removed from his to-do list, it's still a promise that hasn't been broken. It's just that it could be in the next month or the next century, both may have similar status.
But, if he's spending that much time with you, he probably does care.
The_Face_of_Boo
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07 May 2023, 10:35 am
IsabellaLinton wrote:
He has sleepovers with his friends?
Things might improve if / when he starts high school.
Who calls it "sleepovers": you or him? It's extremely rare for a man (at least a straight man) to use the wording "sleep over". It's always "crash", or "stay", or even "fall asleep on [Name's] couch". "Sleep at [Name's] place" is acceptable too, but less common.Things might improve if / when he starts high school.
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I wouldn't consider that a sleepover, but more like "crashing" at someone's house.
Pretty much what I just said.
FleaOfTheChill
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07 May 2023, 4:12 pm
Lia1206 wrote:
I was assuming it’s an autistic thing because I know some autistic people have routines and hate change, so I was assuming he’d hate to do something with me that’s reserved for friends only. He says he likes to spend more time with me over his friends(they hangout twice a month while we hangout 2-3 times a week). So I suggest us to do those things when we plan dates. He’s told me in the past he’d love to do those things with me and we bonded over similar interests, but now that I’m dating him all he likes doing with me is going out to eat or occasionally watching a movie.
I wonder if he has assigned roles in his head, like things you do with your friends v/s things you do with your girlfriend. I dunno.
Ultimately, no one here can really give you a realistic answer as we are not him. Sorry. I know that's not really helpful.
I still get concerned that if you are telling him that this bothers you, he promises to do something about it and doesn't...that seems problematic to me. Relationships involve give and take and extending respect and care to your partner. It doesn't sound to me that he's taking your feelings into serious consideration here and if this way of interacting in your relationship is problematic to you, you really might need to rethink this relationship.
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08 May 2023, 9:31 am
FleaOfTheChill wrote:
I wonder if he has assigned roles in his head, like things you do with your friends v/s things you do with your girlfriend. I dunno.
I remember watching a standup comedian(I forget which one) who joked how women want their husbands & boyfriends to participate in their hobbies with them, whereas guys have guy hobbies because they want to spend time away from their wives & girlfriends & if their wives & girlfriends took up an interest in doing guy hobbies, the guys would became interested in women hobbies. Plenty of guys are not like that but there are plenty of guys who do like having guy time. I think an Aspie guy would be more likely to prefer having alone time in his man cave thou. However the OP's boyfriend is only doing guy things a couple times a month. I'd be much more concerned if he's spending every weekend with his friends while only choosing to be with her a a couple days/nights a month.I think it's common in relationships for couples to start doing the same few activities when they spend time together. Me & my girlfriend mostly watch TV together, or play video-games next to each other on different TVs & different systems, or we do things on our phones while sitting next to each other, & we go shopping & to appointments together. We've been living together 10 & a half years now & we've always spent a lot of time together thou. I never had many interests & due to disabilities I would have problems doing some of the activities she likes that are related to art & writing but I have no problem hanging out with her in the living-room doing my own thing while she does hers. I only really have one offline friend & I almost never see him since I moved away to be with my gf. So my advice in this thread may not be very accurate in the OP's case.
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ProfessorJohn
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08 May 2023, 1:07 pm
Recidivist wrote:
Here is the DSM criteria for an ASD diagnosis, maybe reading this might help you understand your boyfriend a little better or give you an idea of how you might change things.
[*]Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
[*]Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
Don't most NTs need to eat food every day also???
08 May 2023, 1:17 pm
ProfessorJohn wrote:
Recidivist wrote:
Here is the DSM criteria for an ASD diagnosis, maybe reading this might help you understand your boyfriend a little better or give you an idea of how you might change things.
[*]Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
[*]Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
Don't most NTs need to eat food every day also???
I think it means eat the same food every day.
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