Living with agoraphobia and scopophobia

Post Reply New Topic

I hate when unexpected things happen to me in public, even if they're minor.
The other day I was in the bus station sitting on a bench, and when I got up the handle of my bag got caught on the side of the bench and tore. I didn't make a big fuss or anything, I just said "oh" quietly and walked away with my bag. But I felt so embarrassed, because I was feeling cool and sexy with my long blonde hair and shorts and suddenly felt stupid. The other people sitting on the bench stared and people who were walking nearby turned around and looked at me, like I had made a scene or something. But it was hardly nothing and not even that noticeable if you're a stranger preoccupied with your own life and thoughts.

So really I'm just like a big flashing beacon, making me conspicuous and every tiny little thing I do gets noticed by everyone in sight. That's how it feels to me anyway. This is why I don't like going out in public on my own. I really don't want people seeing me and taking note of everything I do. Even if they're looking at me with sympathy, I still don't want their pity. I didn't like to think that the two old women on the bench were probably saying "that poor girl's bag ripped, I'd hate that to happen to me, she's a bit clumsy though, I wonder how much her bag cost, I've never seen someone's bag get caught up and tear like that, maybe she's weird, let's keep watching her, maybe she'll pull out a knife in a minute and start stabbing people, nah she looks too stupid and innocent to do that, maybe she'll wonder out into the road in front of one of these buses in a minute, she shouldn't be out on her own really, what a weirdo..."

That's what I think people are thinking of me in public.

Maybe that's what they are thinking. Doesn't mean they're right.