Hey everyone. This is my first post here, but I've been a reader for quite some time.
I hadn't read anything specific enough to match my own experience, so I wondered if others felt in a similar way...
I have begun to suspect as I've gotten older (in my 30s) that almost all the activities and interests that I've found enjoyment in...I'm not really interested in directly, or even find any inherent enjoyment in them. These are things ranging from hobbies like astronomy, ham radio, cooking, endurance sports, to daily activities like driving, shopping, learning to budget, to social things like club leadership, volunteering... to relationship skills, self awareness and introspection, even including sexual activity once I finally found a partner that I wanted to do that sort of thing with! Every one of these things I have participated in, I'd say to an obsessive degree, until I felt the satisfaction of being proficient in them. The obsessiveness seems driven mostly by my need to feel like I've got some control over the activity, like I'm not clueless, like no matter what comes up, I've practiced enough that I can have confidence in myself to be able to handle the scenario.
So my theory is this: I think I've felt so OUT of control of so many things in my life, due to sensory issues, not knowing wtf the NT's in my life want out of me, being both misunderstood and misunderstanding by taking things too literally, and being thrust into situations where there was no clear cut answer or "script" to follow - that I developed a coping mechanism over time of basically taking anything that came across my path and attempting to master it, to avoid the feeling of instability that comes with trying to function in a world that is not made for my brain. Everything moves too fast, is too loud, too bright, too many people brushing up against me in crowds, etc. etc. etc., and the only way to cope was to just to practice, like one would practice holding their breath underwater and defying their body's reactions to the feeling of drowning. The world already leaves me feeling unstable and off balance, so the last thing I need is for something that's supposed to be "fun" to add to that feeling. So, I redefined "fun" as "the experience of being so good at something that it doesn't suck as much anymore."
It's really gotten me thinking over the past couple of years, as I've tried to consciously unmask more and more, listen to my body, and accept the way that I am - that very few of the things I do actually bring what I really want - peace and calm. Most of them just destabilize me, and I compulsively participate in them just to return to a sense of balance. It's really only times where I can get away from everyone, go outdoors, with no schedule, no company, just me, the trees, the sky, the critters, that I even get a glimpse of what it's like to feel calm, collected, and let my guard down.
So...does that sound familiar to anyone else? I spent most of my life thinking that everyone in the world experienced life like I've described - come to find out, apparently they don't, which explains why everything feels so exhausting, just to achieve what seems like basic functioning.
EDIT: sorry if this isn't the right forum, maybe should have gone in the in-depth adult discussion lol
05 Nov 2023, 4:22 pm
