Being accused of “not communicating your needs”

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It seems like lately people have been accusing me of not “communicating my needs” whenever I have any issues with people. I hate this trend. I love how people assume I’m not putting tremendous amounts of effort into communicating with people. It’s also naive to assume “communicating your needs” will magically solve all my issues. I’m also not capable of really communicating much of anything when I’m in emotional distress. I’ve told people that countless times. Yet I’m expected to be able to say exactly what I need whenever I feel overwhelmed. Forget about it. Apparently it’s not good enough to “communicate my needs” ahead of time. I’m guessing people also expect me to communicate better than the average person just because I’m hyperverbal. f**k that!

Tell them to FO, from Isabella.

I have trouble identifying what my needs are. I’m supposed to magically know. I’ve only recently been diagnosed, but people have already started assuming that because I now have the diagnosis, all my questions must have been answered. I feel your frustration.

I'm mute, I have Alexithymia, I have brain damage from strokes, and I have CPTSD with Panic Disorder.
That's on top of ASD2 and ADHD-C.

F*** if I know what my needs are, and F*** if I can express them.

I don't expect people to know what my needs are.
No one has to read my mind.
I know that's not fair.

If something goes wrong and I explain my point of view, they'd better take my word for it though.

Omg. Yes and yes. Thank you.

When I get to a point where I need say what I need in that moment, I can't express those needs to anyone.. I'm beyond done at that point and incapable of coherent communication. It sucks so much. I'm no future teller. I can't always predict when stuff will hit the fan with me. I do my best to say this stuff beforehand and warn folks about my issues just in case, but seriously, oops moments will happen. No one is perfect. I get told a lot I don't communicate this stuff effectively and ask for help, but I feel like I do communicate when I'm okay (because that's the only time when I can) and people don't take me seriously because I'm okay then, and then get annoyed with me for not telling me about issues I have when they arise, and I can't and start shutting down. It's like I can't win with these people. I'm either too okay to be taken seriously or too jacked up to ask for help and criticized for it later. And lets' not even get into my inability to recognize my own needs. Bloody hell. And people wonder why I prefer to be a solo being. Other people are so hard. Gah.

Nope, never happens to me. As a teenager, I kept being told I was too vocal about my needs and in general, so as an adult, I've been working on toning it down. Of course, communicating my needs doesn't automatically mean that what I say gets understood, though I'm convinced that sometimes people just pretend to not understand.

It's easy for me to 'just communicate' and tell what I need.


But communicate the way they would want -- without pissing them off, without some form of conflict, without some form of wizardry in wording, tone and timing -- not really.


Yeah sure...
It's like having to accomodate them first before accomodate us.

That's just another frustrating layer that's just resting above or the middle of having to be articulate.



But then in my case...
I never bothered my needs or even my wants to anyone. Unless it is more than certain that they are capable of having such choice.

Not mainly because of communication and the frustration... I can try and "be obvious subtle" by expressing displeasure or nonverbal some sort; they'd figure -- or rather, guess.

However, because I grew up very disappointed -- and I see other people as helpless and clueless that even a perfect performance in communication just didn't matter.

I just had to discern if they're even capable of giving a solution to me -- let alone to even see if I had to be responsible for regulating their emotions.

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For some people, being accused of "not communicating your needs" is a valid claim.

When she said, "Is it a little cold in here?" she really meant, "Close the window!"

When she said, "Are you hungry?" she really meant, "Feed me!"

When she said, "We need to talk." she really meant "I'll talk, you'll listen."

When she said, "Does this make me look fat?" she really meant "Tell me I'm beautiful. / Tell me you love me."

(I hope me ex-wife is reading this.)

I've noticed when I'm uncertain I tend to be very communicative as I'm trying to figure things out, but when I'm certain I'm less communicative.

I sometimes think about things so much, especially before I do them, that I can't remember what I have or haven't communicated.

My experience is that people in general don't communicate their needs clearly at all, so I don't know what the OP's associates are griping about. In any case, it's a stupid thing to say to somebody if the idea is to influence them. Too critical. I like to think that if it were me I'd have waited for a suitable moment and asked "was there something I could have done for you that I didn't do?"

People don't have to know what my needs are, so there.