HELP!! !

Post Reply New Topic

My female friend identifies as a "man" and I don't know what to do.

I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at the age of 3. I was sheltered most of my life since my country doesn't have much to say on the issue regarding neurodivergent people, especially autistic people like me. My family is traditional and disciplined me accordingly since my autism wasn't that bad but it still affects me with problems such as socializing with others and simply not being able to find like-minded individuals or being scared at the idea that people will find me boring if I dump too much information about my own interests.

Two months ago, I became friends with this person who I labeled as a "girl" but two days later they identified as a "man" to me and I didn't quite catch the idea until later on. When I realized what they wanted from me, I found myself in a crisis and had numerous sensory meltdowns and often berated myself for judging a book by its cover. I tried to treat them as a "man" but it failed because of my 18 years of being sheltered. I was considering giving up on my effort because it was permanently engraved to me that I wasn't ready for this new change.

I even talked with them about my turmoil and they surprisingly emphasized and felt sorry for my suffering. The main problem with my autistic mindset was that when I became friends with this person and broke the happy news to my family, they expected me to maintain a platonic bond between myself and them. Even peers in my classroom are now under the illusion that I have a "girlfriend".

I'm too scared of telling anyone in my family and classmates that my friend identifies as a man. I had a conversation with the headteacher about this issue and I broke down in tears while explaining. I talked about this with the school therapist. Today I had a sensory meltdown in the bathroom as I've once again begun contemplating my stupid decision to label my trans friend as "female" without any prior knowledge.

What should I do? What are the best solutions to avoid getting bullied for this?

I'm confused as to why you would have a sensory based meltdown when your friend told you about their gender-indentity? You friend is still the same friend you had 2 days ago, you simply know them a little better now. Its not anything that needs to be distressing.

I know! But the main issue is that I was not prepared and I was never taught by my parents about these people. Everything is going well between me and them but I'm too scared that my family and my classmates would turn against me. The environment is still rather conservative in my country. I was sheltered for 18 years under the illusion that love is only between men and women and that this new revelation has made me question myself.

I never experienced gender dysphoria. I was born healthy. I had a crush on girls in elementary and high school. My family expects me to be good with the girls and I have been doing my best to be gentle with girls. But what I was never taught was how to appropriately interact with a LGBT person.

I think you may need to evaluate the mainstream value orientation of your society, and most people will agree with you or your friends. This is important, and you may not need to change if you live in an extremely conservative environment.

I have a couple questions that might help me or others give better advice here. Were you hoping to have a romantic/sexual relationship with the friend Does the friend expect you to treat him a different way than you would treat him if he was female

The extremely conservative environment in my country is one of the factors as to why I am hetero. I don't want to sound like an idiot because of this but I never spotted any queer or homo behavior in my classmates in primary and high school. Even when I watched cartoons in the 2000s, I don't recall any LGBT elements in them. Even when I was getting into the Internet, I watched YouTube mostly and haven't been on other social media sites in the 2010s so I was never dragged into the gender warfare thing.

I always thought that gender warfare referred to Boys VS Girls or Men VS Women and that there has to be equality between Men and Women. Yes that is one thing that we need but the LGBT is something I've never been taught in my family, schools, and by the media. This is what makes me feel paranoid that if I accidentally label someone by the wrong label I may be called a "bigot".

In my country, there is also a problem: some people think that ladies first is a gentleman's performance, while others think that it is a kind of discrimination. The requirements of the old times for different genders are being broken down. All you need to do is wait for it to find you, and when told that something is strange, say, "What should I do?" And change it. It's basically for the best, and of course you can choose not to change anything and be a conservative. It's all right.

I was never considering a sexual relationship. I wanted to push for some kind of a romantic relationship. Yes, they do expect me to treat them like a man but I'm having trouble doing that because their voice is too feminine. They said that they were born female but always felt male in their soul. I am neutral on the LGBT issue because I want to mind my own business and focus on the future and what to do with myself next.

I want to pursue to be a history teacher or even a tour guide in my town because I speak great English. I also want to have a family and have a healthy relationship with a girl. Those are my goals. I have considered on trying to find other girls but I'm too scared that I could get catfished since there are predators lurking on the Internet.

Thank You for your empathy.

Do you have reason to think this person has romantic or sexual feelings for you? If so, how do you know? They told you? If they don't, then why obsess (yes I know you're autistic but that doesn't prevent you from trying to step away from the whole thing)?

Also, what country do you live in? Some Balkan countries are more conservative than others. I don't think Croatia is particularly conservative, for the most part. At least not in the matter of sexual behavior. Right-wing political attitudes being a different matter of course.

Our friendship is going so good that I wanted to pursue for some level of romance but they declined so I just simply stuck to the friendship. I am content given that they helped me a lot and I was more comfortable since I have a close friend of mine in class who is also neurodivergent. I never was "obsessed" with them, the only thing that made me attached was that they understood my pain and knew how to make it less painful for me.

Just accept him for who he is

Accept them as who they are and respect their gender identity in the ways they let you know to - masculine pronouns are usually requested, but not always, every trans person is different.

There are a lot of out trans people here and a particularly higher than normal representation at the beach I hang out at Because it is such an accepting place. I've also met several via the gay community and parties and things. So being around trans men/women isn't weird for me at all, they're just people like everyone else. They're fairly well accepted in general society here, but there are certainly still people who are judgemental or bigoted or just plain jerks. But overall I think trans people live a better life here and in most places.

Anyways, as for your classmates/peers/family, why no simply transparently tell them the truth about your friend if they ask or it's relevant? If they say something about your "girlfriend," (even referencing a female friend platonically, not assuming you're dating) then simply correct them and tell them "Actually, <insert name>, has told me more recently that they identify as a trans man. So, he's one of my guy friends."

Seems pretty simple, no? Could clarify things for those who need clarification.

And if these people are all hateful bigoted people, just silently accept your friend for who your friend is and don't bother informing others. It's none of their business. I just operate from a perspective where no one I know or care about would be nasty about a trans friend and if they were then I'd cut off or severely limit my interactions with them because I don't need those sorts of hateful people in my life.

Read the rest of the thread.

LGBT people are.. people. Friends are friends. This is a crash course in that for you. Maybe just enjoy having a friend, period, and accept that This One is not ever going to be your girlfriend. Is it Possible that they could be a romantic/sexual partner? Yes; if there's mutual attraction and you're both into one the other or both. But they would be a trans or non-binary person, not a girlfriend. If that's WAY outside your comfort zone/relationship criteria, then they may be off your list of potential romantic or sexual partners. So what? You still could have a really good friend in this person and simply have them in your life for that purpose - friendship.

As for their voice being feminine.. well, duh. Female hormones etc. Many trans guys who use testosterone hormone replacement therapy have their voices drop quite a bit lower, but don't typically have the deepest most masculine sounding voices. Again, whatever - it's not the tone of someone's voice that generates their gender identity. It's something that's innately known within, and this friend has shared that with you so now you're aware of it and your only role as a friend is to simply accept the truth they've spoken to you about their self.

None of this is particularly overly complicated when you break it down and think about it. Human being. Friend. Maybe not within your criteria for a romantic or sexual partner. etc etc.

That sounds like a good plan to me.
My second girlfriend was autistic & after we had been a couple for a bit she told me she wanted to be a man. She lived in Texas so she was not planning to transition or publicly idenitify as a man but she wanted me to treat her & refer to her a man in private. I don't conform to the male stereotype & had various phases where I felt I was born the wrong gender. I might be slightly tans these days, I'm taking a med to block some of the effects of testosterone but I still identify as a man even thou I don't conform or feel man really fits me. I had a hard time handling thinking of my second gf as man privately but still referring to her as a woman publicly, especially sense I had been calling her girlfriend in private before she suddently wanted me to change how I publicly saw & thought of her. It's one of the reasons we had fights & eventually she broke up with me. My advice is to not consider a romantic or sexual relationship with someone if you cant hanle them being trans, especially if you saw them a different way in the beginning.

No longer friends with that person sadly. Because of my RSD case, I am no longer friends with the trans person as a result. My grandmother was disappointed when I vented out about my sorrow and inability to handle people who are trans. She said that I don't watch enough TV. I really can't blame myself for the environment but I do blame myself for being genuinely uncomfortable for people due to my preferences.