Hello, I've only just come across this website, when reading further about Aspergers. I'm 47, and live in South Australia. I've recently learned about Aspergers symptoms and have been researching it for past few months. I believe I have it, as can relate to just about all of it (except for the "can't read someone's facial expressions during conversation", as I believe it to be quite the opposite! - most people are dishonest or holding back, and that's why their face isn't matching their words. They're saying one thing, but really thinking another. That's the frustrating part about that! Not the not knowing how, but the, why are they so fake). I've struggled my whole life; with everyone misunderstanding me, people becoming frustrated at me or telling me what I meant, when it was the opposite! Thinking I'm being rude, when from my perspective I was actually being nice, or trying to be helpful. It's always backfired on me. Family always putting me down too, saying I'm crazy or just "carry on and on", insulting me often. I grew up with a nasty verbally abusive, narcissistic mother, and physically abusive step fathers. Saying I was always a difficult child. I ran away from home in USA when I was 15, to come back here to Australia on my own. Anyway, I recently told my mother and family that I think I might have aspergers, as it would explain my whole life's difficulties and with relationships and friendships, of which I no longer have any :'( I asked my mum if she ever suspected as a kid that I may be different.... her answer was "I always knew there was something wrong with you!" as she scoffed about it. Of course she never cared to have me tested or to see, because being a narcissist she wouldn't want people knowing she had a kid with autism. I get sensory overload to noise in particular, even while trying to write this now, in my quiet house.. I can hear a neighbour's lawnmower, revving car, dog barking incessantly, etc. in the background, causing me irritability. I also can't stand eye contact, I feel very weird trying, and start feeling uneasy when someone I'm trying to talk with just looks straight at me. I'm also sensitive to certain lights, crowds, dislike shopping, etc. because there's too many people and the music in stores is always too loud. The only crowded place I can tolerate, is if I'm at a concert. I still feel uncomfortable around the people directly near me, but the atmosphere is lighter, happier ad more tolerable (I also wear sensory earplugs, to help me focus and block out most noise). Friendships always end, because they'll misunderstand something and when I try to explain what I had meant, they've already made up their mind thinking they're right and know better. Relationships have always had distrust that starts making me feel too clingy, just in wanting the caring or support. I haven't now had one in 14 years. I went on one date four years ago, and he was so rude, constantly chatting to other girls on his phone and always making me feel bad about myself. So I left no longer wanting to be around anyone who makes me feel that way any more. But that's made me extremely lonely, on my own. I have one 30 year old daughter, who is the only reason I am still here on earth, because she's the only person who'd ever shown me real love. Her and I were joined at the hip as best friends for 29yrs, but she's recently moved in with her boyfriend and now has no time for me :'( I barely get to see her and she talks to me differently now, with different attitude, like I now annoy her, due to his influence. Breaks my heart, to feel I'm losing my daughter's friendship and support. I've always had a big caring heart, done everything I can for my girl, and helping people along the way.. but I've always been used, abused, or lied to in return. or not included with any social gatherings. As awkward as they make me, an invite would still be nice. Anyway...... This is all knew to me, and I'm struggling since finding out facts about Aspergers and thinking I have it. I've been asking Dr's for months if I could be tested for it, for confirmation or to rule it out. But honestly, every single trait that's stated about Aspergers, I feel is definitely me. I also struggle with some places, like doctors office... where they've banned me, saying they no longer wish to see me and for me to find another Dr, just because I've asked questions or talks out too many things at once. They say I come across as aggressive, but I'm not :'(. This has made me feel so bad about myself, some of them saying I'm rude or anxious and they don't like it. It's now happened three times over the years, and I never knew why. It wasnt until last week when sitting in the Dr's room and she started rolling her eyes and being frustrated at me, that it then made me wonder why, what had I even done wrong. She said I'm rude. I said I'm not intending to be at all, I was merely speaking at my own level of voice and asking questions about my physical health.. wanting to be heard and treated like a human, not a paycheck! She said I looked grumpy too. I said I can't change my face or voice, this is just who I am. She started to say she thinks We are not a good "doctor - patient fit", and for me to find another. I bursted out crying in frustration, because I couldn't believe it was happening to me yet again, when I was being sooo nice and polite! I then explained to her what I thought, about me having Aspergers.. and she suddenly talked to me differently, but like I was now dumb. There's also a language barrier with most doctors being Indian over here in Australia.. so it's difficult enough in that respect, before any autism miscommunications come into it. I don't know what to do. I'm getting nowhere in life, not by the lack of trying! But by exhaustion from every other human being misunderstanding me and who I am. I'm actually a really nice, loyal and honest person (cry), so I don't understand why life has become even more difficult for me as I'm getting older.
27 Jan 2024, 11:21 pm
