Confronting people and thus losing them as friends

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.snacsurtE ekil gnitirw era eW

yllauctA, yhet erew gnitirw ni a rorrim ekil yaw.

Dopo youpu upendeperstepend thipis !?!

Wepe capan tapolk thipis wapay, ipif youpu wapant ! !??

I honestly struggle keeping friends long term. I don't like it when people ask too much of me or get too personal. And I have a physical disability so I will randomly have to cancel plans at the last minute. A lot of people take that personally. I have had to simply disappear from many neurotypical friendships.

I get along a lot better with autistic people, but specifically autistic females often still play the same social games that neurotypical females play. If you are honest with them, they get their feelings hurt. But when they are honest with you, it's both guns blazing. I'm like wow, if I had said that to you, you would have never forgiven me.

And then I have to carefully keep myself from manipulating them in order to keep things smooth. I can tell what they need me to say. It's both stressful for me to give in and play whatever role I know they are looking for or to stand firm and be authentic.

What I do with other female friends is I apologize a lot for myself and make my shortcomings clear and I ask them periodically if they are okay and what they need. That way I can keep personal boundaries but still show I care.

If you have physical dissability I don't understand why they take personally when you sometimes have to cancel plans. You never know when it will became an obstacle even when you sincerely wanted to stick to a plan. I think they should be more considerate.

It was just few months ago when I realized that I am ,most probably, autistic. At the beggining I was terribly upset about it, but since I calmed down so far, now I'm getting also to realize why I always had to be up front and tell whatever is on my mind - probably because of my autism. So, from now on I don't plan to do same things again if somebody hurt me, especially not right away. Now before I react the way I used to react I am now going first to really think if I twisted somenting in my mind and took something personally myself. Then, even if I come to a conclusion that someone did it deliberately, this time I won't show that I've been hurt. I really want not to be impulsive and reactive like I was before and finally I don't see the point anymore. If I see that someone is continually negative toward me I will simply distance myself. Like I always do in the end.

Another thing is that I was never too good in setting healthy boundaries like you do. This is the skill I will have to learn since I realize that, for me, the way I am, is not a good idea to get too soon too close with the most of people. Actually, I've noticed my friendships start going downword the moment I get too close to someone, I don't know why. I really have to talk with a professional about it.

I feel sorry you have troubles too and that you need to apologize to people that much. While I am not ready to be open up about my autism I do tell people about my systemic disease that, even though I control it with as much healthy lifestyle as I can, sometimes it hits me the way that I also have to cancel plans. Since I don't look like someone with serious disease it is hard for people to believe it. So they also get it personally or they leave me behind and stop inviting me to do things with them. Another thing I realized on this forum that I have in common with ND people is that I can't easilly switch plans like NTs. That's another thing they can't understand. Switching plans too quickly ( let's go there, let's go here, let's do this, let's do that, let's invite some people I have no idea who they are) for me it means s lot of sensory overload that more often than not is hard for me to handle. So that's another obstacle for me to have sucessful friendships with most of the people. I don't know if there is way to desentisize yourself regarding sensory overload.

So, still learning about myself and about people in my mid fifties. I think I really have to learn myself some behevioural techniques and adopt some new habits when interacting with people.

Wow I felt your post deeply. I also cut people out of my life when they expose that they might not have my best interest at heart. To me it seems much easier. I used to be more forgiving but find that over time I actually forget what they are actually like and start trusting them which is damaging too. When they backstab you again you feel dumb for having let it happen. Also, I don't mind being alone so it is the lesser of two evils. I do wish I could have friends but only ones that are kind and good as you described.

Again, any chance this title can be korrekted*?

My impulses requested me to type this backwards. So why not 5005 it and type backwards in ?esrever

I feel like I'm at an all time low. I have frequent bursts of anxiety and flashbacks, and I live in fear 24/7. Of the virus, and everything else. I am near 100% dysfunctional in a way that is not visible to the non-meselves. I can't use the word pee fool (replace f with p), because I don't have enough confidence in folks to maintain that level of respect towards them.

The unnecessary ***demic threw my existence out of wack, and did near elbisreverri damage.

Despite my efforts to maintain communication, I can literally NEVER retain online so-called 'friends'. It is impossible unless proven otherwise. I am at the point where I am questioning the validity of my existence yet again. For some reason, the Aus government still pays me a pittance each fortnight for reasons unbeknownst. What benefits it provides to society is unknown. I feel like there is no support in assisting me to crawl out of the shell. I may be stuck like this until the day I wake up dead. I feel like I've exhausted all avenues, and reached the point of no return. The occasional response to a post on this forum gives me signs that I may not be the only life form on this planet. But otherwise, it is near impossible to notice any perceived similarity to the folks that aren't me. I feel like a three headed mutant that doesn't belong anywhere.

For those people who are irreparably toxic
the best thing anybody could and would do is to cut all contacts with them. The problem with me is that my nerves got so thin over time that now I overreact when people push my limits. But now my limits are much lower than they used to be. And I am not happy about it.

My absolute record of giving another chance to someone is my ex neighbour. She is extremly funny and you can have long talks with her on various subjects, also very inteligent, we used to visit each other every day. But she used to ask me for help a lot and I always did help whenever I could, without even thinking that it is a big deal. But for her it seems it was a big deal in term that she started to observe me as someone she owes much. And then she would create some situations when she would attack me over some stupid things, I don't even know what, but she would start arguing and going to my nerves until I eventually snap at her. Later I realized she was doing that to make thing "even" btw us by making me look as someone who anulled all the help one did, with me snapping at her. I used to cut all contacts with her at least five times. But sooner or later she would always find a way to reach for me and say how sorry she is and that she is missing me very much. Last time she said nasty things to me was before I was about to move to my present home, which is on the opposite side of the city. She was so furious the she even throw ceramic plate at me when I was leaving her home. And, thanks God, she never reached again, probably because I was not anymore able to be ready for her on her click.

Did you read my post to you on another thread?

Most of us here feel more or less like you do. It is only how sucessfully each of us is coping with same things as you do. I am writing you a longer reply, will be there like in half an hour or before.

I really don't know how to correct "loosing" in title .

Mod. edit: It's been corrected for you.

Last edited by DazyDaisy on 12 Mar 2024, 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

To @TT1660 >> You are obviously in a deep depression. It is ususally followed by anxiety. My first question to you is have you been to a psychiatrist and do you take any and proper medication? Did you try it at all and did you try it long enough so that you can start feeling benefits, feeling better.

It is impossible, in Australia, that people like you can't get any help. There must be at least one public psychiatrist, you don't have to pay one but it may be that you must find one that is provided by your health system. If the only psychiatrist you can find works in mental institution, don't be embarassed to go there. There also must be some phone support line if you feel suicidal. You MUST ask for help. Do you have a GP? Make an appointment with him/her and start from there, tell everything how you feel and you will be refered to a proper specialist.

Once you start taking medication and feel better it will be easier for you to start solving other problems that you have.

Don't be affraid of the viruses. They are all around us and our immune system is designed to fight them, but you have to support your immune system with healthy lifestyle and habits. It is media and propaganda that raise panic, be caucious, but don't fall for panic in a way that it makes your life miserale.

Nobody will drag you out from your shell, you have to make first step and reach for help first. And first you have to stop the streams of negative thoughts, the more you spin them in your mind the more they multiply. You are litteraly teaching your brain to think always in a negative ways. You have to carve new paths in your brain, path for positive thoughts. To learn to calm down so that you can start doing things that will bring you some joy, like hobbies. Hobbies can also give you chance to meet people. Learning some new skills, too.

But first, pls, make an appointment with your GP and than with psychiatrist. Start from there. Tell them all about yourself. They will direct you for further help and support.

Here's just one of available help centers in Australia and there's one in every Australian major cities:

https://betterrehab.com.au/pbs-services/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-r-vBhC-ARIsAGgUO2ArV7KSfjcdgerJyzWQjBviS9pgjCSo0V5VSoXZvo4OVXzMzV3PLAoaAg9rEALw_wcB

Here's another one:

https://thespectrum.org.au/autism-support-services/adults/

I think that having someone to talk to daily, who literally has the guts to input the first word would be a game changer.

I don't feel any worse than an overheating engine in a semi. But this engine needs coolant. Without such, it's likely to fail/give up.

I know, you need to have someone beside you on a daily basis, to talk to and share other things you have in common, like best friend, a girlfriend, etc. Normal things that most people want.

But before you find them you first need to give a little bit of love to yourself. To find peace within yourself, but not by relying too much on other people. Other people can come and go, some will stay, but your hapiness should not depend too much on others. And people don't like to be responsible for other people feelings. You can't expect them to be coolant for your heating engine. You really have to do most of the work to find the peace WITHIN YOURSELF!! So again, if you can't do that alone, ask for help, find a therapist, there are techniques they can teach you to find that peace.

Do me a favor. I don't know what time is in Australia right now, but make an appointment with your GP today!! Tell him/her everything about yourself and ask for a psychiatrist/ therapist/psychologist. You got to talk with someone professional. With a professional help you will feel more confident, more indipendent and it will be easier for you to build relationships with other people.

As for talking with someone on a daily basis, unless it is someone who is living with you, who is really close to you, most people would find it too much. Usually because they don't have that much time. Even best friends, when they are adults, don't talk to each other every day. So, again, you must find peace and hapiness within yourself. Why don't you try to volunteer and give your help to other people (or animals) in need? That way you can also meet people. Wind the ways to entertain yourself.

Thank you moderator ! !!

This just happened to be recently when I had attempted to confront and set boundaries with a fake friend with whom I attended jr high and high school. This was someone who never really respected me as a person even into adulthood. I also set clear boundaries by letting her know that I felt like the relationship had been toxic in the past for those reasons and I would like to be around people who can appreciate me.

Meanwhile, I had been connecting with a close friend of hers and she was really sweet, right? After I confronted this past frenemy and set boundaries with her, her close friend showed me her true colors. I got accused of writing this frenemy a nasty letter and that this person didn't want anything else to do with me. She also told me not to ever contact her again and that I have an issue with unforgiveness. Uh...whatever lady!

While I was very upset and shocked, I decided that neither of those two was worth persuing.

I feel sorry that you went through all of this, but as soon as you wrote that you were getting connected to her close friend I new that something nasty is going to happen.
Of course, now that everything is the way it is, forget about both of them and look for friends elsewhere.

I realized, with a help from people on this forum that it is actually not good to confront people - it is never going to make things better, only worse. Even if those people realize they made the mistake, that way they will never admit it. By confronting them we are, actually, attacking them and it is completely understandable that they are going to be defensive. So, it is always better to calm down and at least not to confront them while you are upset. After you calm down you can than decide to tell them why you were hurt, but in an assertive way. Or even better is to realize that we can't really control what will people think of us and what they will say to us. We can only control how we react. And it is better not to react, especially not to overreact. It is better to wait and see if the person is generally toxic, a frenemy like you said, or if it is basically a nice person who's intentions were not really mean.

At least I am really giving my best not to react like I usually did and I can tell you that my life is now much easier.

Last edited by DazyDaisy on 13 Mar 2024, 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi DazyDaisy:


As for me forgetting about them? Oh, definitely and I was able to decide that because right after I got that nasty note, a good friend called me. We both agreed that her close friend wasn't a friend and that I should move on.



When I confronted this frenemy, I used "I feel statements" and why I was not comfortable with us reconnecting. However, instead of coming to talk with me, she went crying to her friend. However, she has always been like that since we were in Jr. High. She's known to manipulate people by playing the victim and using her situation so she can get away with things.

However, I set boundaries with her friend as well and openly said that if her friend had a problem then she could have come to me.

E.G. If you call her out, she starts crying to people who she is close to. "This person was mean to me." Then after that, she gets those people to come after you.

She's also been known to make it sound like she wants to be your friend and then starts gossiping and lying about you behind your back.