Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?

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yeah, i figure unfortuneately, i should just make it clear from the beginning that sex or physical intimacy is important to me, matters to me, and if you, the other person, has problems or issues with it, not comfortable with it, then we won't be dating, we won't have a relationship.

Seems the way it works is that, women are the reward but men have to do the work in order to get the reward.

"From the male perspective, many of us aren't in the top 5% of men who naturally attract women and need to work hard to find a relationship and then work on maintaining it."

I would say this is in part due to the fact that women tend to go searching for 'already perfect' (that 5%). Rather than date someone who could potentially be a match and just be clear about what they find attractive. Then when some women do try to suggest things, they do it in a very manipulative/negative way rather than just being honest, and that approach ends up really annoying/confusing men. Whereas men are more willing to date a woman that's sort of a match and just be direct about what they do/don't like and give the women a chance to decide if those things are deal-breakers.

It's similar to how men and women tend to behave in interviews. Men are more willing to go for jobs they are 'almost' a match for and then negotiate better pay/benefits using the advert just as a starting point. Women tend to avoid negotiating for better pay/benefits and just accept the offer as is. Or not apply at all.

I'm obviously generalising here and there are men and women that don't fit that description. But most seem to follow those behaviour patterns due to socialisation, and it affects dating in a similar way. Women are encouraged to be less direct in communication and more accommodating to other people's needs. Then when a relationship isn't working for them, they just end things (which seems totally out of the blue to the man). Or some women will emotionally check out but hang on to the relationship for the 'status', money, house, whatever else, while they look for another man to jump ship to (which is a whole other level of wrong).

I know from my own perspective, I wondered if I was asexual for a while because I wasn't dating men I was naturally attracted to and didn't want to rock the boat by asking for changes that would make me more attracted to them. So I had 'bad' or no sex for a long time.

In reality I think the 5%/95% split is more like:
* 5% that attract most women without changing a single thing (the young Henry Cavill types)
* A much bigger % underneath that of 'could be a match' if both people are willing to make a few changes
* A smaller % of harder to match people that either refuse to change a thing (the delusional types that believe they are already everyone's idea of perfect) or that can't make changes for various reasons (health, poverty, life situation)

I think most people would be willing to change certain things about themselves for their partner if it meant they both got what they needed. It would greatly increase the odds of more people finding a good relationship. But people (especially women) don't like having to negotiate. So they aim for the 5% or nothing (or date for reasons other than love/attraction while they keep looking for it elsewhere).

In conclusion, humans be crazy!

^ What do you mean by people changing “certain things about themselves for their partner?” What things? I’m more about accepting people as they are flaws and all because I’ve learned, through experience, that people often don’t and won’t change. (Flaws can even be endearing or become endearing depending on what they are.) If the flaws are too big (e.g. abusive behavior, alcoholism, etc.), I would move on. On the other side of the coin, I wouldn’t be willing to change stuff about myself for a partner - what you see is what you get - although a certain amount of compromise in relationships is a good idea.

"^ What do you mean by people changing “certain things about themselves for their partner?” What things? I’m more about accepting people as they are flaws and all because I’ve learned, through experience, that people often don’t and won’t change. (Flaws can even be endearing or become endearing depending on what they are.) If the flaws are too big (e.g. abusive behavior, alcoholism, etc.), I would move on. On the other side of the coin, I wouldn’t be willing to change stuff about myself for a partner - what you see is what you get - although a certain amount of compromise in relationships is a good idea.

While this might be true for some people, I don’t think it’s true for most no matter their gender. If it were true, fewer people would end up in relationships. Most people have certain things they look for in a partner, but I don’t think most are looking for someone who’s perfect - whatever that means. Most people aren’t perfect themselves and wouldn’t look for/expect perfection in a partner."


Those specific things will vary for different people and I imagine some things will be negotiable and other things will be a 'definite no'. But using myself as an example, if I managed to find a unicorn that I clicked with and who wanted to build a life with me but he had a huge kink for big boobs, then I would be ok with getting implants. It's not a big deal for me, as I don't have any real preference for what size my boobs are (up to a certain limit). If he had a huge kink for shaved heads, I'd have to refuse that as that's a 'definite no' for me. I have a (non-kink) tactile 'thing' for hair. Another woman might not care about shaving her hair, but would have an issue getting a boob job. In return, I'm not attracted to bald guys. So I either wouldn't date someone who had no hair or they would have to get implants for me to be attracted to them. That may or may not be a 'definite no' for them. So 'negotiating' might look something like 'I'll get bigger boobs in return for you getting more hair'.

Those are probably at the more extreme end of the scale. It's normally less significant things like getting turned off by your partner eating with their mouth open all the time (which might bother someone a lot more if they have misophonia) or wearing a certain cologne because your ex wore it and you associate it with bad memories. Or getting more turned on when they use certain phrases or dress a certain way and therefore asking them to wear more of that item around you. Obviously it's always a request and not a demand (I've had a partner demand certain things just to be controlling and that's completely different) and you would do things for them in return.

It isn't a case of 'accepting' people, as it isn't done in a demeaning way as if they are of less value as a human if they do/don't do x, y, z. But purely in terms of attraction, people tend to have preferences that affect whether they are more/less turned on by another human. And if you plan to have a relationship that involves sex (of whatever type), then that's going to be a factor. Obviously if you are asexual or primarily interested in a non-physical relationship, then that won't play as much of a role (at least I'm assuming).

If you're a lucky person that is attracted to anyone as long as they are still breathing, then that's great (I envy those people! ). But most of us have 'triggers' for attraction and the chances of finding someone who a) naturally has those, b) feels the same about you, c) is available to date and d) wants a relationship is incredibly low. In nearly 40 years it's never happened to me. So to make life easier, you both negotiate and find compromises where you can create that match instead. I don't think it's about being 'perfect' as I don't think such a person exists. Just about ticking enough boxes that the relationship can work. If one/both of you aren't attracted to the other one most/any of the time, then it's just a friendship (or worse, a very one-sided relationship). Which is maybe fine if you're older, don't have much/any sex drive and it's not really part of the dynamic any more. But if you do want sex, then there has to be enough physical attraction for it to work.


"If the flaws are too big (e.g. abusive behavior, alcoholism, etc.), I would move on."


I agree there. I'd put things like that in a different category, as they should be absolute basics for anyone, before you even consider things like whether you are attracted to them. No one should accept abuse.

I think for most people the changes they are willing to make for a partner would already align or at least not impact on the personal goals / values / preferences they already have. I wouldn't agree to something that I felt really uncomfortable doing, regardless of how much I loved the other person. I'd break my own heart first (and have done in the past).

I also assume more negotiating happens for those of us who find it difficult to find compatible partners in the first place. If you are already someone that's attractive to most of the people you find attractive, then it's not going to happen as much. Whereas if you struggle to meet anyone that's a match already, then you have to be realistic and decide whether to a) lower your standards and date people you don't enjoy being with (which tends to end badly), b) remain single (which many people choose), or c) negotiate with a someone in the same boat so that you can both be happy.

Being alone can be much more preferable .. it the boat your in together might have a alchoholism,or a bad type drug dependency ..Surely could sink any relationships boat . Not to nention abusive tendencies,being another way to end up on the Rocks in any relationship. And as best as I know most Aspies do not come equipped with buckets to bail water out of their own boats ?.

At this point in my life, I’d definitely prefer to be single over changing or expecting a partner to change. I was more willing to change when I was younger, but it’s not something I’d do now because it wasn’t good for me. My ex used to promise he’d change, but it never happened. I have a clearer idea of what I want in a partner these days. When I was younger, I only thought about romance because, being autistic and highly sheltered, I didn’t really understand the dangers involved which made me susceptible to falling for the love-bombing of abusive people. Even if the person isn’t abusive, it’s nice to have stuff in common like similar outlooks, preferences, and opinions. Obviously, it doesn’t mean that you need to agree on everything, but sharing similar views about the big stuff is important to me. Traits like open-mindedness, kindness, empathy, and a keen sense of humor are important to me as well.

With all that being said, I think being able to compromise in a relationship is important because there will be times when you won’t agree on something, but it won’t usually necessitate changing an internal or external aspect of yourself which is what I wouldn’t be willing to do most of the time. If I was doing or saying something they found triggering, that would be an exception.

????? Getting used to a Partner ..? with similiar veiws/ values, with all their lumps and bumps......EWWW?..
Gawd darn.. wonder if that kinda stuff could have anything in common , with growing maturity in a Relationship ..?.
...... ..... ....Imagine having someone else to roll through the pushes and punches of Life. vs not.

But ,,Gawd knows have had to go it alone for longest periods of time .... , can make it so much more valuable when/ if you find a life companion ..Maybe ...?