breaking up: tears of abandonment or the unknown?

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I am very curious to ask how is everybody else coping with breaking up???

Do you feel like crying uncontrollably and cannot cope with the pain? Do you feel physical pain too?
Do you feel like you do not know whether you feel love, anger, sadness?
That something is breaking inside you?

I totally hate it. I appear very uncaring and indifferent during break ups. We will all agree that they are not easy, not even for neutrotypicals. Personally for me it is a hell and if I can avoid it, I will. If I can do it by email or text I will.

I suffer immensely, even if it is someone I do not really like and I want indeed to break up. I never understood why that happened and always believed that it was abandonment issues, that I hate to be abandoned because I was wrongly led to believe I have a borderline personality disorder.

But is it truly that? Or is it fear of the unknown and breaking up the familiar and the routine with someone?

After I have come to terms that I might actually be autistic, I now see that it is not abandonment. I love being alone. I have no problem at all and long distance relationships are ideal for me.

I would like to listen to what anyone else thinks and if you can relate.

I was 36 when I had a girlfriend. It ended with her just cutting all contact. (Six months after I found out she was dating others while we were dating and preparing to marry.
Took a decade to get over her as I had fallen deeply in love.

I’ve only really had two breakups, so I don’t know if there’s a specific way I handle them. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, it was very difficult. I was devastated and cried a lot because I was still in love with him. When I broke up with my abusive husband, it was very difficult because I was distressed by how he treated me and I was fearful for me and my son’s safety. There were no tears or sadness about the breakup itself though. Just a lot of fear, anxiety, moments of anger, and other stuff that’s difficult to describe. Until he was permanently out of the house, I mostly tried to steel myself and not feel anything so I’d be strong enough to get through it. I was in a state of hypervigilance. Contending with emotions came afterwards.

And what about now? Have you been in love ever since?

I can relate... he was a narcissist. Never had I felt so intense passion and never anyone else made me feel so guilty and shameful all the time for reasons that appeared to be logical, but the way he would scream to me would be totally abusive.. He used to say that I have a serious communication problem, he made that a reason to abuse me. could not stand him yelling and would often get into a horrible meltdown.

He disappeared after a telephone call that I was unhappy. Took me five years to get over him... then he came back to tell me that I was the only woman he ever loved and he would give everything to be back with me.. blah blah ...that actually confused me and made me think again whether I still feel about him despite the fact that I got over him. it made me think that I want to try again and see if he is telling the truth and find out what happened...did I really get over him? Or was I trying to understand what I was feeling?

...I ended up in the logical conclusion that since he is a narcissist he will not treat me well even if I gave him a second chance. I just avoided messaging him back out of fear.

I had one breakup. It was very hard on me and I held a grudge for a while. I forgave the person 18 months later and I went along my merry way. We stayed friends.