Personality matters if they find you physically attractive

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A recent bombshell I found regarding the importance of personality. It matters, but not in the sense of being constant for any context of social interaction. Basically, if you meet someone within the first 5 seconds, and they start turning their head to the side or looking disgusted/surprised, then they don't find you physically appealing. They may still find commonality with you, or you may share a class/social group with them. However, at that point, they won't care about your personality. Even if you became friends with that person, personality does not take the friendship into a relationship, it only prevents the friendship from failing if it's good or severs it if bad.

In the context of dating, personality can turn a yes into a no but rarely a no into a yes. An exception is when people who were friends for a long time eventually started dating is, for example, the other person (or both) don't have options in their social circles and so they circle back to some of the people they knew to get to know them deeper.

It's been a tough pill at first, but now I recognize the importance of how physical appearance plays a role in dating. I've been obese much of my 20s and used to think it was my personality and lack of confidence, even though many people said I was confident and kind. I'm focusing on losing weight and working out to improve my physique before trying my luck in dating again.

Hoo boy I can already see this responses coming to this post.

Dawg it's too early for this sheet.

Given individual variation, it’s too complex of a topic to be easily summed up in a couple paragraphs. People find different things attractive. I think most people have something attractive about them. With that being said, some people, like me, don’t really experience physical attraction and care more about personalities. I don’t understand why physical appearance would even be important. Just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean that they’d be a good person or a good lover. It’s obviously important to some people though. I’m just describing my own experience/perspective and demonstrating how we’re all different.

For me, I'd say it's the opposite: physical attractiveness matters if I already find your personality attractive. In other words, if I like your mind, I'd like to talk with you and maybe be friends. If I also have a physical attraction to you, then I might be interested in more. (If I were single, which I'm not.)

Either everything matters, or nothing at all.

Did you take a philosophy class?

There are some people whose personalities are so magnetic that it compensates for their lack of attractiveness. I don't think it possible for such a person to be on the autism spectrum, though.

While I don't dispute that when you first meet someone physical attractiveness is important, I'd point out three things.

The first is probably obvious, that different people find different things attractive and that we are not the best judges of our own attractiveness.

The second is that people here (maybe everywhere, I don't know), when they find themselves repeatedly rejected or passed over by those they'd like to attract, tend to assume it's their physical attractiveness that's putting people off. They rarely seem to consider that it might be their personalities that could use some work.

Thirdly, my experience has been that once I start to find someone's personality attractive, I start to find aspects of their physicality attractive also. I don't know how universal that is, but that's what happens with me.

why

^I agree.

This was meant as a response to Ducky's comment. Babybird just sort of slid in there.

Oh yeah I've read it now.

If you lack theory of mind, then I don't think you can have that effect on people. I suppose it might be possible if one's autism is entirely due to sensory processing problems, and they're in an environment that doesn't aggravate those problems. I have absolutely nothing in common with people like that. I have experienced women being attracted to me but having problems with my personality. But that's just me, I suppose.

Yeah I'm probably moderately attractive and I have had a lot of interest in my life but I have so many personality issues (not autism specific) that I just become like a toy for men to use and discard of. I gave up during my 30s and resigned myself to one night stands and the like.

My bf ATM loves absolutely everything about me and it baffles me so much. I see it as irrational because I'm just not used to it.

Just as with physical appearance, I think that different people find different personality traits appealing/attractive.