Was it easier later?

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I kind of relate to the last part. I see my body as a shell and sometimes I wish I was simple a void or a ball of light.

For some background: I am in my 20s and I started puberty earlier than some of my peers, which was around 9. To this day, I've been the same height high-pitched voice from when I was 11. Same goes for weight, but my health has only gotten better. Some of the technicians at my orthodontist's office believed I was in middle school, and I believe my growth might've been stunted at 12(ish) due to medical issues I had back then.

I didn't have my period for about 4 years as a teenager due to illness. When it eventually came back, they were heavy, abnormally bothersome and sometimes the symptoms were so bad that I relied on ibuprofen. Then, around 16-17 years old, my dermatologist prescribed me with birth control for my acne. One of the biggest things I noticed was that it helped regulate my periods. Sometimes I still feel like I'm in a weird limbo of going through puberty, like the downsides never fully went away, including my hormonal imbalances. I think birth control has helped with that to an extent.

I'm also (usually) iron-deficient anemic, coupled with periods, can cause me to feel especially drained, leading to me feeling depressed or low. It sounds cliché, but supplements and water are your best friend when it comes to this stuff. A lot of women will become anemic during their periods naturally and its advised to take iron pills or a multi-vitamin.

Women I've known or known-of going through menopause seemed to have a very bad time. As for the second puberty thing, it depends on the person. There's no set age for any of these things, really. For some, it might be 30, for others it's 21 or perhaps 35.

It's been few months now.

And I've been taking birth control pills for nearly 2 months now.

Unprescribed, DIYed.

Because after being told that I'm just another head case because I'm being compared to a pregnant woman with a physically abusive spouse and ask if she's stressed for "no reason" UNLIKE ME.

Without asking my family and medical history, with nothing to check -- no test no nothing; and wasted my money.
Especially now that my household's financial situation changed.

Might as well get a brick and hit myself on the face with it just fricking irks the heck out of me about meeting OB GYNs locally and unknowingly.
May as well question every recommendation my mom tried to set me up with.


So I'm taking the cheapest BCs, widely available and barely 1 USD equivalent per pack. Taking some iron supplements too every other day.

The lucky part is that it works the way how I want it to be.

Relatively speaking, I gained a degree of alexithymia.
And it is how I imagined it to be.

What gets in my way is my old habits, a nearly month long strep due to extreme weather temperature, and deeper things I've yet to decipher.

My meta emotions are no longer judgemental. Because my emotions are mostly physical instead of quickly infecting the entirety of my thoughts and expressions, defining my entire day, my entire week and the possibility of hurting relationships because the damnable impulse is no longer there...

My biggest source of sensation is reduced to my gut, heat and tension. Anything else is sickness or injury.

My meta cognition doesn't feel the pain whenever I switch task or get up in bed.
No more lengthy ruminations -- not even about my lifetime bane. Inertia isn't painful and momentum can be more controlled.
So I'm able to get out of the bed way easier now.
I'm also somewhat less egocentric, no longer forced to have everything inside me the forefront of my mind.

Coffee actually works the way it does as intended to me now!

Though I still have interoceptive sensitivities.
I feel my gut more than my head, heart and back like before...
I still have my initial cognitive problems; working memory, verbal processing, etc.

No longer distracted by wild ups and downs, and no longer possessed by it.
I don't care if I 'feel nothing' -- I'm happier about it. I'm happier that the biggest internal distractions I have is my digestive system and how sensitive it is.

I'm not like most alexithymics. I can just turn it off by stop taking BCs.

I don't need body mapping when I had years of involuntary experience.
I don't need labeling emotions and sensations because I already had my system beyond that and it's even more complex than anyone even without alexithymia.


I'm still learning how to function this way.

My sleep schedule is becoming more stable, more predictable, now that I can just stop binging and bypass whatever. I can also choose when to get up since getting up doesn't feel painful.

My eating schedule, while hunger feels weird now, it's also becoming a bit more stable.

Soon, I will finally have a routine. A REAL routine. After years and years of trying.
And this also cemented further that I don't have ADHD -- it's just my damnable 'mood' and the cyclic internal changes itself.
Now that it's stable, too -- I'm able to adjust for real. Explore, get to know me all over again.

And since my emotions no longer infects everything in me in impulse like some controlling toxic "friend" and an invasive ad that I cannot skip -- I may finally have a decent relationship with it.

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